She's no longer EVER in the mood for sex!
Q. I’ve been with my girlfriend for a couple of years and in the last few months she has NEVER been in the mood to have sex. We were arguing about it last week and she blurted out that she always felt like it with her last boyfriend. What a harsh thing to say: what am I supposed to think!?
A. Frankly, I think it really sucks that she said that to your face. But if you really want to work things out with this girl, read between the lines – she’s reaching out to you, albeit inappropriately. This girl isn’t telling you what her real problem is. Talk to her about the types of things that put her in the mood for sex with her last boyfriend. Was she under less stress then? Is there something that you could be doing differently? The ultimate goal here is to improve both of your sexual experiences – try to interpret what she says and encourage her to be open and honest. It might take a while to works things out so to motivate yourself, keep your eyes on the ultimate goal: a better relationship and more/better sex!
Uncomfortable talking about sex
My guy and I have been together for a while and we can talk about anything except sex..when i bring up the subject he changes it right away or tells me you cant teach a old dog new tricks..the thing is my guy only likes one position dont get me wrong i like it on top but a little foreplay and trying a few other positions would be nice..I have tried to get him reading your site but even that is not working..my mother told me to go out and get a vibrator and be happy i have a man..please tell me you have better advice than that
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*Copied from the Message Board (maupassant 23 Nov 07)*
Wow Brandye, what a focused answer and hits the nail right on top of the head. I think it goes back to the philosophical 'Cause/Effect' dilemma. The light bulb goes out in the room but what is the cause? Bulb blown? Break in the wire? Power cut? Faulty switch? So, as you rightly say, if the sex 'bulb' no longer shines, there are so many issues to consider.
Great stuff!
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*Copied from the Message Board (Brandye 21 Nov 07)*
Well, maupassant, a marriage or other long term relationship accumulates its baggage over time. Many have asked questions here about their sex lives taking a dive. Cannot all the issues in a very complex relationship develop a negative synergy? Can we really solve the problems between the sheets without addressing problems caused by hating the in-laws? Or the disgust at seeing our partner balloon because of sedentary life-style? Or differences with the kids.
And note how often counselling is recommended. That cannot be accomplished here but we can point out that what is manifest as "sex" is really likely to be something else.
Young love is fickle - tastes and desires change. Old love can be boring. Either way, the sex is not the issue. Why not say so?
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*Copied from the Message Board (maupassant 15 Nov 07)*
I wonder whether deeper issues are really evident and relevant on this site. It really is the best site with some really good professionals, but the title is 'SEX INFO'. It is not Clare Raynor's problem page.
Or am I getting it wrong??
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*Copied from the Message Board (Brandye 18 Oct 07)*
So many iterations of this discussed. "For the first year she (or he) could not get enough and over time .........."
Usually symptomatic of much deeper issues in the relationship. The relationship is headed nowhere without some intervention and ItalStall gives the best advice possible.
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*Copied from the Message Board (ItalStall 18 Oct 07)*
As has been said many times here - communication, communication - and then a bit more communication is the key to so many problems.
If this has been an issue for a couple of years then clearly you guys are not having social intercourse - never mind the sexual variety!
Her reaction - while inappropriate - was probably just erupting frustration. Take the "high road" and don't retaliate. Instead show her what an empathic and considerate lover you are by following the advice given in the post above.
Good luck!