OP: Feeling inadequate since husband cheated...

You have done nothing wrong - he has. You are not the one who should feel guilty - he is. Continuing as you are this will lead to a stale (at best) aging marriage. To have any chance at all of making it right again you need personal and, then, marriage counselling. Many men stray; many men stray whilst wife is pregnant. Not an excuse for him but to indicate that many women have dealt with this.

To maintain the facade of a marriage will drain you and make you more resentful - and, will give him an excuse for berating and resenting you. Get to a counselor and get help. It will go where it will go but you will have tried your best.

Brandye

Posted: 06 Oct 19:30

> I'm new to this and don't know where to begin.

You are off to a great start. Next, please familiarize yourself with the Index found at the top of the main screen. It provides links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to articles that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. In addition, if you click on the site's Home page you will find even more information. Included there are illustrated animated sexual positions that may prove to be helpful.

> Our marriage was one thing sacred to both of us. I was heavily pregnant when I found out and a week later was in hospital with complications - he said he was sorry and I believed him and decided to just let it go.

The operative term is "was"; apparently, it no longer is because he chose to go outside the marriage rather than work with you on what he believes needs changing.

"Sorry"? Sorry for straying and not working to improve the relationship, or, sorry he got caught? You need to know the true answer.

> Besides there are other clues that have shown me he still is carrying on the affair.

This is disgusting behavior and justification on his part. If he truly wanted to work on your relationship he would not start another. That he chooses not too after having been found out tells me that it is easier for the time being to start fresh than refresh what he has put a lot of time and energy into so far.

> I have tried asking him about it before, whenever I broach the topic he gets really angry, boisterous and defensive.

The boy got caught with his hand in the cookie jar--yes, he is defensive, yet wrongly so. This is typical. Next time you wish to talk, ask him to leave the anger, boisterousness, and defensiveness behind and answer the following:

* Have you asked him if he wants your relationship to continue?
* Have you asked him if he is willing to work with you and maybe a counselor in order to get your relationship back on track.

If not, please do so; you need these answers. If he answers "no" to either then you should probably walk away. If he answers "yes" yet does not follow thru, then you should probably walk away.

> He's now been pointing out things in our sex life that he says I don't do right.
> he likes the cowgirl position and I just don't seem to get that right - or rather the way he likes it.

Have you ever noticed that it is easier to point a finger away from you than toward you? This is what he is doing. It is easier to place blame elsewhere than to own it and work on it. This and the fact that the affair is continuing shows me he has no interest or intent for improving his lot with you. A man who really wants to fix a relationship will jump thru flaming hoops no matter how painful. He has no interest at this point.

It is important for him (and you) to know and understand that making love is not something we do to each other; rather, it is what we do with and for each other in partnership. For as long as there is a relationship, a couple should explore and learn and modify together.

Stating that this or that is your fault, or, that by now you should have perfected something is juvenile behavior and not becoming a kind and caring lover. If it was, he would be working with you. What he is essentially doing with this attitude is saying "fix this and call me when you have." How long are you prepared to put up with his arrogance?

> Its brought total frustration into our sex life.

Are you still making out and having sex with this individual? Yes? Why?

> Besides he even mentioned to me once that this woman was great with sex

So, what else does he want to dump on you and make you feel bad about? Telling you this information is proof positive that he neither cares about you, or, wants your relationship to improve. He has no responsibility, or, ownership, only blame. Unless and until he takes ownership and shows a desire to work with you, nothing will change for the better. Until he retracts his hurtful comments and understands how they have hurt you, nothing will change for the better.

Please do not be a spouse who believes that he will change or that "I can fix him". First, he most likely won't as long as things are going well across town; second, you cannot.

If things go sour across town, do not think for a minute he won't bail on her, and so on and on.

> he doesn't get turned on when we have sex. Its fine if he masturbates but the moment we try sex his dick shrinks

You have the evidence and hopefully the proof that "he is just not that into you". Whatever you are doing together is a matter of his convenience and gratification. He is an opportunist. How much longer are you going to put up with this? And, once more, why are you still having sex with the guy? You need to cut this guy off until he gets his act together and reestablishes trust. In the meantime, let him masturbate to his heart's content making love to the person he truly loves--himself.

By continuing to make love to him and/or have sex, is enabling behavior on your part. You are giving him more of what he wants and at whose expense?

> What should I do? Please help.

* Begin by asking him to talk with you without all the shouting and attitude.
* Attempt to find out what he is willing to commit to and follow thru with.
* Ask him when he is going to stop the affair, any and all, and offer ongoing proof that it remains a thing of the past.

Because he may not change and because you cannot change him without his cooperation, be prepared to continue living as is, or, to kick him out of the house.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

> There is so much more to say but I'm trying to keep it short

Please feel free to continue the discussion.

-doc

dancingdoc2

Posted: 06 Oct 19:30

That can't be good, find a counselor, and perhaps a lawyer, I don't believe it is a right thing to continue this way.

woogydice

Posted: 06 Oct 19:30

Stop trying to appease him!

None of this is your fault and you should stop "trying to make this work" - because the methods you were taught to make this work won't work.

Instead - make him work to EARN YOU. Stop 'trying to discuss it' - instead simply say "I know the affair has not stopped. I know I cannot trust you. From now on, in this house, I rule. If you have a problem with that, you are free to leave but I am keeping your paycheck." Then just stop talking and walk away.

Then DO just that - RULE YOUR HOUSE.

Set up everything to suit yourself. Stop doing things for him. Do not set a place at the table for him. Do not do his laundry. Do not buy whatever it is that you normally buy just for him. Treat him how he apparently wants to be treated - as a paycheck and nothing more.

IF he wants back in - he's going to have to EARN A PLACE. Not merely by speaking the right words but BY DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Because if he thinks "little Miss Babycakes" is going to ditch her husband for him - he's in for a rude awakening.

Turn the tables, honey. Because sometimes, being "nice" doesn't work.

Oh, and the sex thing - all a woman needs to be good in bed is a good man in bed.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 19:30

I believe that says it like it is--or should be.
Since he isn't taking care of the relationship, you must. Do as EEK recommends.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 06 Oct 19:31

Some days I wonder why people marry? It seems so unnatural.

That said, flying in an airplane is pretty darned unnatural too and I have nothing against flying, aeronautical engineering or the related sciences...

As to the OP, best of luck with that. Listen to EEK. She's a smart cookie that one.

wet_suit_one

Posted: 06 Oct 19:31

WSO - poeple marry because FUN & HAPPINESS are best when SHARED.

that doesn't mean that there isn't any work involved, mind you

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 19:31

It feels so much better to be able to talk to someone about this. My thanks to all of you.

Perhaps when you have been with a person too long - you just want to trust them and believe them - I think thats my fault or in this case my fantasy - I want to believe that the affair is ended that he's back to being the hubby I knew.

Secondly I think its the fear of not knowing where to start if I have to be on my own again. There are times when I'm bold and couldn't care and there are others where I just don't know where to begin.

I know what Doc and EEK have said is true - I'm here bawling because it is so true. I do wonder if he loves me at all or he just loves himself...because on thinking back I'm the one that most often compromises on almost everything. Having said that both times I've been pregnant he has been very pleasant to me which again makes me wonder.

Yes I have asked him if he wants to continue in our marriage. I did tell him he was free to go if he wanted and he said no that he loved me we'll get past this - that the relationship was difficult to stop but they have stopped it.

Why I still had sex with him? I guess it was part of me wanting to have things return to normal - I know again that that was stupid - but yes that is defi part of the reason.

I have a couple of questions - are there cases where adulturous spouses have felt 'guilty' about what they were doing and ended the affairs and made their marriages work? The reason I ask this is because the last time we argued about the affair, he said 'instead of fighting with me just give me my space and things will be back to normal'. In other words don't say anything to me about the affair. I know he feels guilty about what he's done but most often he's captivated by this woman.

Question 2 - Part of me wants to really give the woman a piece of my mind. More so because we have met a few times before. She's been to my house with her husband and three kids for a meal. I have so much pent up anger and I just want to lash out at her. Almost everyday i picture myself telling her off or doing something revengeful just to make her pay. Don't get me wrong I am not a revengeful person by nature. Completely the opposite and this will confirm it - the time she was over to my place with her family - was a few months after I had discovered the affair the first time. I believed them that they had ended it and I just wanted to have a peaceful environment. A week after that day I discovered clues that told me things were on again. Should I have a go at her or just let it be? Because if my husband can't control himself whats the point in telling her off right? But I just feel I may feel better just having a go at her.

Sorry to have gone on so much. I really appreciate being able to offload all this - it makes me feel lighter already.

pleasuremaiden

Posted: 06 Oct 19:32

First - do NOT say anything to the 'other woman'. She's NOT yours to deal with. The one who deserves your anger and any 'lashing out' is that man you call your husband who hadn't the courage to honor his vow or get your permission first. HE is your legitimate target NOT her. She didn't steal him after all - she only borrowed him.

SEcond - this is not something you have to 'get over' - HE has to EARN a place back by your side. No need to be cruel about it but DON'T give in easily. HE will prove himself through his actions. Do NOT forgive and forget ... not yet.

I recommend 'on probation' for the next 6 months;
then 'on a short leash' for the next 18 months.

on probation = he goes to work then he comes home and stays home
short leash = he goes nowhere without you

As for the sex - seriously drag that boy to the bed and screw his brains out and make damn sure the man knows HE'S YOURS NOW. Grab his testicles when you say it. Any more nonsense out of him and he will LOSE those.

RULE YOUR HOUSE

Furthermore - you have got to get out of the house so get something part-time even if it is volunteer work, this will go a long toward rebuilding your confidence.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 19:32

> No need to be cruel about it but DON'T give in easily. HE will prove himself through his actions. Do NOT forgive and forget ... not yet.

* This man must live his life transparently and as an open book--until..., meaning, there are no secrets from you. He is held accountable for each hour.

* There is no forgiveness from you until he fully understands how his actions have hurt you and what affect they have had on the relationship. He must be able to articulate these answers, not just dismiss the question with an "I get it" or similar. How long will this take? Until....

Then give them a wee bit of a tweak.

> RULE YOUR HOUSE

Give him chores to do in and around the house. A marriage is a partnership. If there is dust on the furniture, he dusts it, you dust it, the kids dust--nobody just lets the dust accumulate or the dishes pile up or the laundry clean or dirty collect. Each person in the household is there "for whatever the work there is to be done." Said another way: everybody pitches in without waiting to be asked, and, everybody picks up after themselves at the end of the day.

Because guys do not always see what needs to be done, make a weekly to-do list. If you ordinarily do certain tasks on certain days, hold to that schedule so in time it will become automatic for him and others.

Do and/or monitor the paycheck(s), paying of bills, etc. Know where the money is and is going. Work out a household budget, refine it if necessary, and hold to it. Put some into savings, even if it is only $5.00. Give each person in the household an allowance that s/he does not have to account for.

> I did tell him he was free to go if he wanted and he said no that he loved me we'll get past this - that the relationship was difficult to stop but they have stopped it.

This can be "guy-speak" for a white-wash of the matter. He's being dismissive and not forthcoming hoping that if he doesn't have to talk about thing the matter will go away.

> I do wonder if he loves me at all or he just loves himself...because on thinking back I'm the one that most often compromises on almost everything.

A better question is whether he is "in love" with you. A lot of guys are hunters and they will wow and woo a girl and once having won her, place her on a pedestal and go off on the next conquest, never nurturing the past.

> the last time we argued about the affair, he said 'instead of fighting with me just give me my space and things will be back to normal'.

Confirmed, above.

What he should have said is let's work on this. Here is what happened and why. Here is what I plan to do about it, now. Here is what I plan to do about us. Unless and until he chooses to open up and bare his soul, everything else is whitewash and meaningless.

So, "woman-UP" and begin setting rules and standards and holding the lad accountable.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 06 Oct 19:33

It has been said that in every culture, it is women who drag men, some kicking and screaming, into adulthood.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 19:34