OP: Sex Jokes!

LOL @magda92 !

A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows it'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in."

When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that."

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a Genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I could do.

And you, what do you want?" the Genie says, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she says.

"Consider it done."

"And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years.

My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you."

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.

Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, "How old is your husband anyway?"

"He's 35, why?", she asks.

"And he still believes in Genies?"

Posted: 17 Nov 22:05

Ms. Jones is teaching her class about multiple-syllable words. Little Johnny is in the back of the classroom, bored as usual.

"Now words like bike, cheese and shoe only have one syllable. Does anyone have an example of a word with 2 or more syllables?"

Little Johnny raises a hand and is called on. He stands up and says "Autoeroticism."

That's a word with more than one syllable." Impressed, the teacher repeats the word, "Autoeroticism! Wow Johnny! That's a mouthful!"

Johnny replies, "No. Autoeroticism is masturbating. What you're thinking of is a blowjob!"

Posted: 17 Nov 22:14

“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”

Posted: 18 Nov 20:08

Recently drove to airport to pick some one up. IN the lobby was a young man with streaky multi colored hair. I stared at him until I remembered getting drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. "SON" I told him ,I might be your daddy.

Posted: 29 Nov 10:04

lol, i heard that one a little different... the old man is drinking at a bar... and staring at the boy. The boy sees this old man staring at him for quite a while, and finally has enough. He walks up and asks: "Do we have a problem old man?" he replies... "nah, about 20 years ago, I got really drunk and fucked a parrot, i'm trying to figure out if you're my son..."

Posted: 02 Dec 04:48

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Posted: 28 Dec 13:15

Old Saint Nick, with his big red sack slid down the chimney - and there sat a curvy blonde, wearing a negligee.
"Santa," she breathed, "won't you stay a while?"
"Can't ," he replied, "I have too many presents to deliver. After all it is Christmas eve."
She slipped off the negligee, revealing a lacy bra & panties.
"Oh DO stay a while Santa," she purred.
"I really CAN'T" he replied."I have a whole load of presents for the children."
She slid sexily out of her bra & panties and lay on the bed.
"Please.... please stay," she said in a low husky voice.
"I'll HAVE to stay now," he replied. "I'll never get back up the chimney."

Posted: 28 Dec 13:22

Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
So, what's the situation?
A woman killed her husband. There two gunshot wounds...
Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
Did you manage to capture the woman?
No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

Posted: 03 Jan 09:57

Three guys are captured by a tribe of natives in a far off land. They are brought before the tribal leader who gives them a choice. He says, "what will you have, death or bunga?".

The first guys thinks, hmmm wonder what bunga is. "I'll take the bunga". The tribal leader says, "good". Then a dozen tribal members line up and give it to him in the rear.

The tribal leader turns to the second guy and gives him the choice, death, or bunga. The second guy thinks, hmm, that bunga thing is pretty nasty. But death is permanent, "I'll take the bunga". Tribal leader says, "good", and another dozen tribesmen line up and give him the bunga.

The tribal leader gives the choice to the third captive. He thinks a while, hmm, first it was a dozen, then it was a hundred, I don't know man. Heck with it, "I'll take death".

The tribal leader says, "good, death .... by bunga".

Posted: 03 Jan 10:02

Its WW2 in london and the brothels are having trouble getting premises due to general housing shortage. So they entertain clients on the flat roof.

One night, this drunk starts banging on the door
Madame says, 'you can't come in, we don't allow drunks in here.'
he says, 'I don't want to come in, just want to tell you your sign has fallen off the roof'

Posted: 25 Nov 14:57

I was in the midst of a long foreplay.. And while i was blissfully suckling the nipples of my gal, i saw her face and she was feeling so blessed and relaxed..i asked her.. dont u feel good that you are able to give me so much calm and satisfaction as I suck your nipples.. she said, absolutely.. it makes me so good when you u suckle me as a hungry baby..

Posted: 07 Jun 07:29

Recently drove to airport to pick some one up. IN the lobby was a young man with streaky multi colored hair. I stared at him until I remembered getting drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. "SON" I told him ,I might be your daddy.

Posted: 04 Jan 19:51

The doctor told him that watching porn on https://phima1a.com/ and masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Posted: 06 Mar 07:14