OP: Not getting hard right before sex

Lately I have been flaccid when I am turned on when my wife and I have sex. There is no foreplay other than her letting me watch her orgasm from a massager which is a turn on for me but right after we have sex. It takes me a while to get it in because I am not hard enough. Once I am in then I get harder to have sex. Not sure if this is erectile dysfunction or that oral sex as foreplay would make me hard enough for penetration. I will talk with my family doctor but just need some non-medical advice. I am 47 and have never had this until just this month.

Posted: 15 Dec 18:43


As always, when there is a sudden change in your body, it doesn't hurt to consult a doc to make sure nothing more serious is happening. It also makes sense to run a quick review through some of the usual suspects: stress, diet, medication. As we get older, it takes less and less to cause a disturbance in the expected function of the body...

From your post, it doesn't seem that medication changes are a candidate... so that leaves stress and diet from the list... With xmas around the corner, and absent much more detail, I would bet my first token on stress being the culprit. Planning the time with family, dealing with the rat race / gift buying, likely dreading some of the people you're going to have to spend time with... they all add up, and likely compound.

On top of that, it happened once.... it freaked you out a little as it's not normal for you. The next time, you were a little anxious about it, more stress, and it happened again. It's very easy to fall into one of these negative feedback loops.

Has your load changed at work? How well rested are you? Are you meditating, or at least napping, to recharge during the day? Has your diet changed at all in a significant way? Are you getting enough Vitamin D (aka sunlight)?

It may also be worthwhile to investigate this "takes a while to get ready".... it kinda sounds like you're doing that by yourself... Some foreplay is essential to warm up the body... and it's very natural to have a weak erection absent it.

Further, the style of sex you describe puts a lot of pressure on your erection... Which in itself isn't bad, different strokes for different folks, but leaves you guys hanging if the erection decided not to show up... which is only going to reinforce that negative loop you seem to be caught in.

I would advise adding some different forms of having sex to your repertoire to at the very least break the cycle. Have some sessions together where you just kiss and use hands on each other. Have some more that take it to oral. Have some just oral sessions... Take turns on each other, and take turns pleasing the other without being pleased back.

Posted: 15 Dec 20:41

Stress could be the culprit as nothing is changed in diet or medication. Of course the added stress of trying to get hard during sex just compounds the problem. If my wife was into oral and manual stimulation that would help a lot.

Posted: 16 Dec 04:11

Her not being very into foreplay is definitely not going to help you much... Perhaps it's time she got a memo that the 'free' erections are coming to an end... and if she wants to see more of them in the future, she's going to have to put some effort in herself...

Alternatively, have you tried any toys for men? There are quite a few oral and vaginal simulation sleeves on the market. Having received quite a few of them over the years for product reviews... I've tried my fair share. The good ones are arguably substantially better than sex... the cheaper ones on the other hand tend to be not worth the effort of removing them from the package. I'd be happy to give you my thoughts on any candidates you short list.

Another avenue worth investigating could be improving your diet. The once penis enlargement pill industry, now penis enhancement industry (after a few lawsuits), combine a lot of herbs that have positive effects on things like your circulation... which is very closely connected to the mechanics of getting and maintaining an erection. I wouldn't recommend those products directly.... as they're charging you some $60 for some $3 worth of herbs, but foods that improve circulation could be worth investigating...

A few ideas to help get you started: Oranges, Dark Chocolate, Cayenne pepper, Sunflower seeds, Root Ginger, Garlic, Ginkgo Biloba, Goji Berries.

On a related note... there could be some foods in your diet that are contributing to the problem... If there are, you may want to experiment with reducing how much of them you have, or cutting them out all together. There are dieticians out there that specialize in that... but you'll want to keep a complete intake log for at least 2-4 weeks before they'd have enough data to provide an assessment.

Posted: 17 Dec 22:31

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