OP: Being tempted by a ghost from the past.... (my first) [f]

I have been married for 23 years. I recently reconnected with the man I lost my virginity to. He has been sexting me and it it a huge turn on. He wants to get together for something real. My sex life with my husband is ok. I do have orgasms but he cannot maintain an erection very long. It is sometimes very unfulfilling for me. The man from my past is still very sexy and attractive to me. I find myself thinking of him often and even masturbate to thoughts of him. I want sex more than my husband and I am drawn to this man. I love my husband, but as I get older I want the hot sex with no limits I have never had with him. Do I try to bring my husband on board with me, he is not very open minded? Do I meet with this man I have fantasies about?


Posted: 06 Oct 00:21


You're going to have to decide for yourself. You know your husband better than we. You also know better than we, how willing you are to take what could be a huge risk to your marriage.

There's nothing wrong with masturbating to fantasies. If you're sexually bored, there are ways to spice up what you're already working with. I have no problem at all with masturbation, or with my husband watching the occasional porn clip. Having said that, if he suggested to me what you're thinking of suggesting to your husband, I'd leave the house immediately to get an attorney so hubby could go get what he needed. He would no longer be the man I married anyway, because we neither one believe in going outside the marriage. (And before someone rebuts me, I'm not criticizing 'the lifestyle', it's just not how we roll)


Posted: 06 Oct 00:21

Aren't we all? Most of my fantasies regard "near misses," those with whom I was willing and interested but somehow we never got to it. No harm there and the fantasies are always romantic and stimulating.

Those (very) few times I have reconnected have been a bit less than I would have hoped. I am in the midst of one of those at the present.

I have never married and, so, do not have that variable. It does not sound like he would be very amenable to a threesome from your description. It is interesting that you even consider the menage a trois. Int1103 is spot on: You are on your own for this decision balancing the risks with the benefits.


Posted: 06 Oct 00:21

I was not suggesting a threesome when I mentioned getting my husband on board. I was merely posing the question whether to try to open up my husbands world to things I want to try. I would like more excitement. I have no problems with him masturbating or porn or me doing these. He has always been very conventional and I guess that is part of the draw for this other man. He is not conventional or old fashioned. I appreciate any insights whether from someone married or not.


Posted: 06 Oct 00:21

Oh, temptation, temptation, temptation......yes it's always there. I do understand what you are going through. I've been married for 21 years. My husband and I have been through a lot in that time period. I do admit to having had affairs in the past. He knows this and we have worked through it. I have had my own reasons for having them. Yes, I do know that it was wrong. And no--I never judge anyone. We all have skeletons in each of our closets. Until you can walk in someone else's shoes you have no way of knowing what their life is truly like.

It's that "fantasy" that fuels the excitement for an affair you know. Having been through this myself I suggest that you do NOT act on it. Having an affair with someone you know and are very attracted to is VERY different than a one night stand or just having a "threesome". You want this other man in just more than a sexual way. You are emotionally connected to him---especially as he was your very "first".

I completely understand the frustration of having a higher sex drive. Being married for so long does change things. You crave more excitement. Definitely bring up trying new things to him. Maybe masturbate for each other. Take him by surprise one night---Wear something sexy and use a toy to "perform" for him. Sometimes seeing each other out of the usual element creates a tremendous turn on. Good Luck !

Biker Babe

Posted: 06 Oct 00:22

Okay all hearts and flowers aside - forget this extra guy and the whole virginity, he wa my 'first' thing. There were reasons why you two didn't make it back then and it sounds like he hasn't changed - for 'unconventional' read 'doesn't give a damn about others'. You may care about your husband, but he certainly doesn't. Your husband will see this man as a threat. He will also worry that you're about to trade him in for 'someone better'.

Because your husband is conventional, already worries about his 'performance', and after 23 years is probably feeling settled and old. The Lifestyle is not for everyone. In your husband's eyes this is a pretty poor reward for 23 years of his loyal support and devotion.

Just telling you the other side because your post is full of justifications. "I wanna because..." Yeah, well, just because you can doesn't mean you should. So before you wandering off into this 'fairytale' - Take a good hard look at what's the most likely outcome here and then TALK with your husband.


Posted: 06 Oct 00:22

What I am hearing is not so much that you want an affair, but that you want better sex. Well, the only way that you are going to get it from your husband is to figure out how to talk to him about it. Given that you seem to have no experience as a couple with such discussions, it is likely to take a good deal of time and persistence. My first suggestion is that you find a counselor to help you. Perhaps you have a friend who can recommend one.

If you decide to go it on your own, pick a time that both of you are calm and relatively happy. I have said before that my wife and I have some of our best talks about sex over breakfast and before going to work. Try to keep the focus on your needs not on his performance --

Oh heck! an alternative idea is to buy him a vibrating cock ring (You can explain that a nameless friend was raving about them and it made you very curious) Get some lube to go with it and see if you can build some enthusiasm for sexual innovation.


Posted: 06 Oct 00:22

Had I to guess based upon human behavior, had this scenario with a past fling been your husband, and, had you discovered E-mails between the two of them, and, maybe more, what would your reaction be?

I'm all for trying to liven up a relationship, rekindle a relationship, try new things for variety and spice, even bringing in a counselor to help when one or the other of you is resistant, but as long as you have a contract somewhere be it in a picture frame, dresser drawer, or between the pages of your bible, you owe all you can to your marriage and your mate and your existing relationship by whatever tools are available to you.


Posted: 06 Oct 00:22

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