OP: Turning Gay in Middle of Your Life?

What are your thoughts about that? Well, let me start from the beginning and seperate my years using the sports I did......

When I used to figure skate (6-14), I would consider myself straight. I would not once consider having a relationship with guys. I would only fantasize about girls and going on dates with them. Yet, I had dreams about going over to a girl's house who I skated with and being dressed up in girl clothes (crossdressing fantasy).

After I quit, I did Tae Kwon Do (15-16/17) and started having gay thoughts. I would only pursue them online though with chat. I would read transgender fiction and such and even roleplay with other males and I'd be treated as the girl. So, I guess I would be considered a transgender since I did also dress up in my mom's clothes but did NOT get turned on by doing so. I would continue having thoughts about girls but start thinking about fellatio and anal. The thought of cunninglingus and intercourse started becoming disgusting to think about it around this time.

After TKD (17-present), I went to college and my life took a wild loop. I joined the local GBLTQ group and Jewish group but became more active and interested in the GBLTQ group. In the yearbook, my picture is in it. I started trying anal contact by fingering myself and using the end of a lightsaber to penetrate myself (the new kinds). Basically, I'd skip classes and just chat online with others. That's why I'm back home :)

Back at home, I started taking up billiards more, basically because my parents openned up a pool hall which I will run someday (still wondering) and that's where my life is at now. I've become alot more interested in the BDSM community and chatting with Dom/mes and slaves/subs but the conversation ALWAYS leads up to males. I do sometimes have the thought of wedding a female just because society tells us heterosexuality is right but if I do, there'd only be kissing involved and nothing more.

So, what are your thoughts about my sexuality and my life? Any other questions about me, please ask ;) :D


Posted: 30 Sep 07:08


So am I correct in assuming you're still a virgin either to gay or straight sex?

As far as getting married because "heterosexuality is the right thing to do", that's about the lamest excuse I can imagine for potentially screwing up another person's life. You obviously understand your sexual leanings are not toward straight sex, why would you want to marry and impair another person's joy in an extremely important part of a relationship? If you decide to persue that, are you going to be honest with the woman beforehand and tell them you're most likely gay and are looking only for a plantonic relationship in which (most likely) you will be going elsewhere for your sexual needs? There might be women out there willing to make that sacrifice but they're few and far between.

... live the fantasies that compel you and be true to yourself.


Posted: 30 Sep 07:09

Responding to your thread title more than the content of your original post, I would say that no one "turns gay." We all have erotic desires throughout our lives over which we have no control. May I elaborate?

Bottom line: What makes you hard and wet?* That's your erotic desire.

At each point of our lives, certain erotic desires will be stronger than others and we make decisions about which erotic desires to act on and which to repress or place on the back burner. Sometimes the conditions of our lives are such that we are not feeling much erotic desire. Work, love, family, health, babies, stress, aging, religious beliefs and community laws - all play a role in shaping and regulating the intensity and expression of our erotic desires. If we couldn't do this, we might spend all day and every day having sex, reveling in "polymorphously perverse" pleasure.

Sometimes, erotic desires that we have repressed in the past demand their way off the back burner and onto the front burner. Sometimes there aren't enough front burners to accommodate all of them at one time. Whatever is up front at a given time is pressed into a cultural mold of sexual identity; that is, our society has created categories (little boxes) for people who desire and practice specific erotic acts: gay, straight, bisexual, pedophiles, celibates, etc.

None of the above categories exist in nature or biology; they are all social constructs (the product of collective social agreement). Some are valued highly in our culture, e.g., heterosexual identities, and especially a reproductive, monogamous, legally married, gender-polarized heterosexual identity. Some sexual identities are devalued, e.g. gay male sexual identity, and especially a hedonistic, nonmonogamous, gender-subversive gay identity.

Our modern society and culture (unlike past societies and cultures) demand that every individual's erotic desires and sexual activities get squeezed (or will be forcibly squeezed) into one of the above categories. We give individuals a grace period of childhood and early adolescence before they must assume a sexual identity or be presumed heterosexual. That is why teens who express same-sex erotic desire are said to be "experimenting" rather than "gay." There is cultural agreement that children and early teens are heterosexual until proven otherwise when they reach late adolescence or adulthood. Heterosexuality is our culture's default sexual identity.

Given the difficulty of negotiating any same-sex erotic feelings in a heterosexist society, many individuals of every age first try to follow the socially valued path of dating, marriage, and reproductive heterosexuality. Most also try to stay in the "vanilla" zone and feel guilty (even tormented) by their desires for what we call "kinky" sex. How can we blame people for trying to take the only socially acceptable path? Yet if you are aware that your strongest erotic desires are for the same sex today, you should know that this is unlikely to change significantly in the next few years and possibly the rest of your life.

How you manage to fit your erotic desires felt at different times in your life into culturally manufactured little boxes is complex. So you can't "turn gay," you can only push your erotic desires into a sexual identity box labeled "gay." Or have others do it for you with or without your consent. Or you can stay in a box that feels more comfortable for you than dealing with contradictory erotic desires. (That box is usually called a "closet" if you have same-sex desires but claim a heterosexual identity, openly or by default.)

Hope this helps, even a little.

*Hard and wet: For males, this means an erection and preseminal lubricant (precum). For females, this means clitoral erection and vaginal lubrication.


Posted: 30 Sep 07:09

I am a male. Right now, I identify with being bisexual but leaning gay. If someone asks me in public what I am, I say "not straight" because I don't know but I do know that I'm not straight.

I have kissed a girl before, but didn't french. I did get turned on by it and I did get an instant hard-on when I held her hand. However, I don't know if it was the part of me that saids "girl are cute" or if it was the horny part of me just wanting to let loose?

Yes, I am a virgin with both.

With safe sex. When I find my soul-mate, W/we will eventually not use condoms because we will both be safe and know it.

With what I want to do with guys? Well, go down on Him and have Him penetrate me. The thought of anyone going down on me makes me shiver.


Posted: 30 Sep 07:09

> Turning Gay in Middle of Your Life... What are your thoughts about that? Well, let me start from the beginning and seperate my years using the sports I did.

This happens to a lot of people; although, at 20 I don't think you are in the middle of your life unless you only plan on living to 40. The fact is that becoming Gay, or being Bi- is a change that people transition into, and at a younger age would probably never consider this as a gender identity, lifestyle, or, interest.

> When I used to figure skate (6-14), I would consider myself straight.
> I did Tae Kwon Do (15-16/17) and started having gay thoughts.
> (17-present), I went to college and my life took a wild loop. I joined the local GBLTQ group and Jewish group but became more active and interested in the GBLTQ group.

So far this could be a case for learning your true identity, curiosity and experimentation, or, a true shift. For me it was curiosity and the fact that as a horny college kid there was not other outlet and a cooperative roommate was handy.

> Basically, I'd skip classes and just chat online with others. That's why I'm back home

Are you saying that you quit school? If so, why? If so, this is not unlike the question often asked by young teens wanting to know if it is bad to masturbate a lot. The answer is "NO" unless the activity interferes with obligations, school, chores, etc. If you have left school to devote your time to chatting on line, I believe you need a new perspective on your life, future (be it the operator of a pool hall or something entirely different). You need to finish your education so you have a life, understanding that you at age twenty are at your sexual peak and all these hormones are influencing your rational behavior.

> I do sometimes have the thought of wedding a female just because society tells us heterosexuality is right but if I do, there'd only be kissing involved and nothing more.

Good luck on finding someone who will marry you just for kisses. It does not take too much searching of this site to find women complaining about their man's lack of interest when it comes to making love. Making love is the outward expression of a couple's love. So far, you have what appears to be an overly simplistic view of sex, love, and committment.

I think you should play it cool for a year or more taking this time to learn more about yourself. If you want to date guys, do so, if you want to date women, do so, but do not settle into a life with anyone, male or female, just because of appearances or what society expects. If you do, you will be cheating them as well as yourself, because you will not be in the relationship just like the wife or husband who goes out and cheats with someone.


Posted: 30 Sep 07:10

As for school, the thought of going back to school/class sickens me. I didn't leave because of chat or anything, I left because I learned that college isn't for me. That's why I left.


Posted: 30 Sep 07:10

You confuse me since you said you do fisting, and love the taste of cum during a BJ; therefore, I assume you have engaged in foreplay with men & not w/women. You stated if you marry there will never be sex w/her and you are turned off bu the thought of cunningulus and intercourse (vaginal).

You may find you are becoming aroused by a human touch and can see a female as attractive. My very gay male friends can see a woman as cute or attractive but the question is are you sexually (wanting to have sex) w/a woman? Same question for a man...do you wish to have sex w/a man & do you find a man physically attractive? This is where I believe bisexuality comes in. You can have a preference of which you enjoy, bisexual. But those who are not wanting to have sex with a member of the opposite sex? I tend to say gay.

I ended up married to a bi male unknown prior to marriage & sex was fantastic. He did not tell me for the reasons you state....family and society pressure. Let me tell you, that hurt more then anything someone can imagine. It was devastating in ways many [people] cannot think of.

Do yourself a favor--Experiment. Get out there and try, start slow & try different things and be HONEST! Use CONDOMS. The rest will follow, get off the cyber world and begin living your life, and the answers will follow...get back to college too. Stop tossing around terms since you are labeling yourself. If anything you are gay or bi-curious...(I think). I am straight but helped my now ex husband figuring out himself & many friends.


Posted: 30 Sep 07:10


After some thought since I read your other posts (created a monster here) I am going to piggyback those topics here.

Dating a woman: Find one you have an interest in & she also has an interest in you, chat & get her phone number, call within 24 hours and set a date to go out. If you are shy, ask her out to "X" movie, or which ever she would like. If you feel more comfortable ask her for a casual dinner out at "X" restaurant.

Dating a man: I would find an upscale club/bar/lounge and go (if you have a male friend who is willing take him). If not, find a safe one with a good rep. Preferably not super local go in and order a drink. You are close to 21...doubt you will be "proofed". ONE only. Sip it or nurse it. Let other's come to you...they will! Be careful & make a rule chat only and get phone numbers, NO SEX THAT NIGHT. Follow up and chat with him. Talk to many make friends. I have been in gay bars and I have no problem going in to meet friends. Often they are not there yet, so I do get hit on. I am polite & say thank you but I am meeting my friend here. If they persist I just say "I am flattered but I am here to meet my friends & I am straight".

Thinking more about what DVD said. I do know some male/female friends who there is NO question about them being gay...always have been and they are not getting near the other sex's anatomy....insert proper word! In fact I have one patient in particular, she is female, a boxer by profession, and damned tough. She needs clearance prior to a match to ensure she is not preg. And she refuses to ever go to a gyn doc. I have convinced her to let me do the pelvic and pap. To her...nothing goes in there! She sees this as so unnatural. But for her health she has agreed to allow me to do the annual w/an agreement if there is any abnormality she will go to the gyn. When she has the exam she must have her g/f in the room. Fine w/me as long as she has the pap & manual exam.

Additionally you see DVD's thoughts...he is curious. Maybe he will get his dream! My ex hubby was equally attracted sexually by both sex's. His emotional attachment was more towards his bf not his wife (me). We stay in touch, he did well for a while lived a straight gay life, recently took off with a new lady. I spoke with him about 2 weeks ago...yes, we are still friends BUT that took time. It's 20+ years later.

I hope this helps you. Hopefully others add experiences! Remember I am straight so I cannot tell you all the ins and outs & how to be proper...BUT ALWAYS BE SAFE--THERE ARE NASTY PEOPLE (GAY HATERS) OUT THERE AND AWFUL DISEASES. Condoms and honesty are a must. Watch out for the players too!

Ps. You asked about flirting and have good answers from both men & women...just don't go up and kiss anyone as evil does...your not there yet! Music? It's nice. Find out what your dates interest is!


Posted: 30 Sep 07:11

Yep, there are those people like your friend and my partner to which the idea of straight sex is absolutely DISGUSTING. lol There are of course straight men and women (usually NOT the ones who are homophobic) who are not threatened by gay sex but would rather slide down a razor blade banister than perform it. On the meter of human sexuality there is most definitely a "100%" that some folks fall under. But in the entire length of their lives who knows how strong that feeling will remain? Take Doc's experiences. I'm not saying people hit a certain age and decide "Hey, I think I'll try same sex relations" of course, but the idea might not be so strongly a turn off as it once was. Even my partner, who's put forth some pretty extreme things he'd do before having sex with a woman admits that, in the later stage of life, if I passed away first he could see being in a live-in platonic relationship with a woman (he gets along with most of them great). And who knows if, at some point that would cross over into some degree of physical intimacy if the situation was right?

Ya never know. :)


Posted: 30 Sep 07:11

Thank you everybody! It means so much to actually have people that care for others in this world. I'm actually crying as I type this. Thank you!

dancingdoc2- I mean't "shudder", like "repulsed by", part of my dyslexia. Thanks for the kissing information link

sera300- thanks again for all of your knowledge. you're very kind. like a sister :)

DVDBear- don't know what to say to you but just "thanks"

Y'all can add more to it. I'm just happy to know that people care about others in this world.


Posted: 30 Sep 07:11

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Posted: 08 Jun 09:37

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