OP: No longer in love... divorce? affair? [f]

Since he seems to think the two of you are just fine when you're really not a major problem must be communication. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and be honest with him. There's a chance that he's feeling a lot of the same things that you are but is afraid to tell you. So just talk to him and let everything out and then go from there.

iamawesum69420

Posted: 06 Oct 22:33

Thanks for the reply and I agree we do have a communication problem. I have expressed my feelings and he just doesn't agree, he thinks we're fine, herin lies the problem. I am not emotionally satisfied in my marriage. He never touches me in any way other then for sex. His mother is a cold person which i suspect is why he's not very affectionate. Years ago he was more affectionate but now------forget it. So i have a problem with the lack of physical contact as well as emotional. It's like we're roomates that happen to sleep together. Lately I'm asking myself if I want to spend the rest of my life cold and alone (with him) or try on my own to find that person that truly digs me and wants me around. I see so many couples all cuddly holding hands and quite frankly I silently curse them. We don't share the same interests either, we vacation separately because of separate interests. What a mess, is that normal? And you know we could go to counseling but the truth is it's a no win situation because if he then started to touch me or take me on a date I would know it's only because he knows it's what I want. I want him to WANT to be with me to WANT to touch me and hold hands or be alone. I don't want to be on vacation with my friend, I want to be there with the love of my life but I don't have one.

sex kitten

Posted: 06 Oct 22:33

Well, It seems you have a stagnant relationship here. He thinks everything is fine because you lead him to beleive this is so. You must change your habits and by this i mean, dress very sexy and do yourself up the whole nine yards. Be the you you wish you can be and he may open his eyes and think for once. You said you are not in a relationship with any other but you don't have to be. Just go about your life as if he is your roomate. He may start to get a wake up call and think you may just be able to get someone a tad better then he is. Who knows, maybe your life can start NOW!!! Don't wait for him to catch up to you just live life as you seem fit and leave him in the smoke. Life is so short hun, read some self help books on the subject and you may open your eyes also.

ShadowLynnParker

Posted: 06 Oct 22:33

Certainly the socially acceptable thing here would be to gently or harshly post a "save your marriage" elegy. It is not my intent to take the opposite position, but I do think sometimes one must ask "What is there to save?"

Sometimes it just doesn't work.

People do change, that's the reality of aging and growing. I've come to believe that the fundamental flaw in the system is that we search for the ideal mate, think we've found him or her, and discover some years later that either we were wrong in our judgement or we both changed and stopped being perfect for each other.

That's different than falling in love and building and maintaining the "perfect" relationship... that doesn't require the perfect mate, it requires two people who can combine energy and love to create a third entity that works for both, an "us."

The us then creates purpose... and an important part of the purpose is taking care of each other intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Without that you do become room-mates with perhaps unstated rules of conduct.

In that sense, I'd suggest it's not a communication problem, it's a purpose problem. You'll never win a debate over whether or not everything is fine because your realities are different and you are both measuring from your own perspective.

You are driven at the moment by what you want... and what he doesn't. If there's no "us," what is there to save?

WallyLlama

Posted: 06 Oct 22:33

This exact scenario played out for me. The both of you must go to a marriage counsellor!...It is NOT wierd, but it will let you know exactly where the both of you are with respect to your relationship. The kids see that there is no warmness and off-standishness...The longer you two ignore the problems the more it will affect the kids outlook on relationships...I"ve seen this first hand!!...it's something that happens and we don't act quick enough...we think if we ignore it or don't fight about it ..it will get better...unfortunately that isn't the case...by attending the marriage counselling at least we confirmed what we fearfully dreaded...we were soooooooo far apart, that in the end it was decided that for our physical and mental health, it would be best to separate and move on...we kept sweeping things under the rug, ignoring it and pretty soon there was an elephant under that rug..and we still ignored it..other people CAN see when things aren't right..they are just tooo shy or figure that it's not their business to tell you...unfortunately,TOO MANY couples are in the same boat...it is very very sad...things will NOT change unless you change...

Luvs2plzU

Posted: 06 Oct 22:34

I appreciate all of your replies more than you will ever know. It is easier to talk to perfect strangers about things so personal as opposed to "friends".

The only reason that I am opposed to counselling is because like I stated before, if after counselling my husband goes to touch me or hold my hand or any other posessive gesture, I would not be able to accept it as it is not genuine. That would be simply to placate me which is not what I'm after. My grievence is NOT that he doesn't display affection it's that he does not desire to do it. I want to be with a person that desires to be with me. Here's an example, we stay at a friends oceanfront beach house down the shore every labor day weekend with friends for a few years now. During the day we're all sitting on the beach in like a big circle. The other two couples are sitting next to each other while my husband is sitting in between the two couples, again No desire to be near me. They'll kiss go picking seashells together hell even frollick (at this point I've got steam coming out of my ears, but I remain pleasant) At night the 2 other husbands always say, "C'mon honey, lets go walk on the beach, one of the wives said, "Nooooooo, I don't feel like it." in a whiney tone, and he say's " I want to walk with my wife on the beach under the moonlight and makeout, what's wrong with that?" She say's "O-----kay........" and goes, Now I'm sitting there thinking WOW, what a guy. Mind you , none of this motivates my spouse which simply tells me what I already know, he's not romantic and or doesn't have romantic feelings towards me. Either way, you can't fix that.

I should in all fairness state that I am fat, I have gained 60 pounds since our 9 th year of marriage due to thyroidectomy and antidepressants for panic attacks caused by thyroid problems. I am pretty though and most people say I look like Tia Carerra, I should say a fat Tia Carerra now! I have way too much self esteem then a person has a right to and I am currently losing the weight. I can't help but feel that if all this is because of my weightgain, then he can go to hell because he is not the same physically either. He is still thin but is balding, I can lose weight, he can't grow hair. Sorry for the rambling............. and sex-life that's another post.

sex kitten

Posted: 06 Oct 22:34

Marriage is never stagnant and is either moving forward as the couple becomes closer or it is backsliding and getting worse. Unfortunately a lot of people do think everything is coasting along on cruise control and just fine oblivious to the fact that things are going downhill. I think a lot of men don't realize how much is involved emotionally and mentally in the marriage and that it takes an ongoing commitment and constant care and attention for marriage to be successful.

You stated that you don't want to do counseling because you think it will only result in his changing out of obligation or expectation and not be genuine. An excellent way to get genuine change in him and motivate him and get your marriage back on track would be for you to take a proactive approach by reading: The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

If you read the book and put it into practice you will see changes in him, and the changes will be geniune. It will not happen overnight and the changes will take time, which is something Dr. Chapman stresses. There is no quick fix but things can get better.

Playful1

Posted: 06 Oct 22:35

Seriously,sex kitten please try the counselling..it will LIFT a load off your shoulders, usually you will meet together and then sessions which will be total byyourself where you can REALLY let it all hang out, how you feel about everything and it is the psychologists job to break it down and explain it to your spouse in a non-judgemental non critical manner!!..Playful 1 mentions an awesome book the 5 love languages...another great one is "Love is a Choice" by Minirth and Meier...it kinda tells you why and how you got to be the way you handle relationships and how and why your spouse acts out in the relationship...but seriously, don't be embarrassed if you seek marriage counselling,,,I highly suggest it as a tune up...every few years...I told the counsellor that I felt like a freek going in there, and that 90% of the people I know would feel like a freek...BUT I also told him that they should "market" themselves better because it is the BEST thing ever!!...consider it a SPA for your marriage or relationship...

Luvs2plzU

Posted: 06 Oct 22:35

I am hearing ya Girl and agree with your advice IF, it wasn't for the simple fact, how fair is it to go and get counselling when I know that I will still resent my spouses gestures because he will have been "instructed" to do it. Plain and simple, when I caress my childrens faces or squeeze them and hug and show affection it's genuine, I wasn't instructed to do it, or because I read it in a book somewhere I mean really, what day and age are we living in that a man needs to be told, "Hey if you touch her or put your arm around her she'll really dig it". I'm beyond aggitated that it should even have to be pointed out, by me or worse yet a therapist. My problem is that I'm not about "changing someone" I accept people for who they are and how they are. This is the way my husband is, or has become for whatever the reason, it is what it is. I either suck it up, or move on. I'm feeling like a thirsty flower dying, how pathetic is that?

Furthermore- if we are gonna split I would be really annoyed to know that he NOW knows for the next relationship he's in, to touch and kiss and hold hands if he wants to keep her. Anything I tell him at this point is just going to be good advice for his next woman, no thanx.

Not arguiing with ya, just venting

sex kitten

Posted: 06 Oct 22:35

Sex Kitten, I hear you so loud and clear and I totally understand what you are saying!! The therapist will NOT instruct your man to DO acts of PDA(public display of affection)...the therapist will work and find out why he doesn't do it...there could be a family history thing,could be he isn't happy about something or just plain uncomfortable about it...while you dated and earlier on in your marriage was there PDA?? did it suddenly STOP??...maybe he doesn't understand YOUR expectations no matter how little or how much you want...the therapist will try to explain that the relationship is like a flower and needs nuturing,from a guys perspective (and that's what I am), it seemed like to show PDA we need sex, for a lady they need PDA then sex, don't shoot at me..it's just something STUPID inside our male heads..it's a right brain-left brain thingy...professionals can explain this process much better than I can. Saying all that,at least when the two of get your chance to VENT independantly, the therapist will be able to make an educated diagnosis on the relationship and if it can be worked out or best put to rest. For some damn reason, we can be married but we can't totally tell the truth to our spouses with having some guilt trip about if their feelings will be hurt or not. Which brings us back to sweeping it under the rug and let things simmer in the subconscious,this eventually leads to frustration,depression and an unhealthy family life...just trying to help...cheers...

Luvs2plzU

Posted: 06 Oct 22:35

I really understand where you're coming from sex kitten. I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend about our sex life. It had gotten monotonous and borderline boring. Every time I would try to add something new he wouldn't be interested. He also didn't seem to want sex as much anymore and he didn't seem to want me anymore either. So finally after crying myself to sleep many a night I talked to him. I told him everything I was feeling. It was really hard because I didn't want him to be offended but I just had to do it. He did start initiating sex with me and at first it would just turn me off because I resented his efforts because I had convinced myself that he didn't really want to have sex with me. I thought he was only doing everything because I had brought it up and because I wanted him too. I wanted him to want to. So then I talked with him again and he explained that he just wants me to be happy and he wants to try everything to make me happy. That's when I realized that it didn't really matter that I had told him what I wanted. What mattered was that he cared enough to try and please me and I stopped resenting him.

iamawesum69420

Posted: 06 Oct 22:35

My wife and I went throught this, and the most important thing you have to remember is to take responsibility for yourself, because chances are it's not just your husbands fault. He has his perspective on this too.

Many times the sweet touches and small things he used to do stop in response to something you may or may not be doing, especially with kids.

I completely stopped hugging or caressing my wife, because of the way I was or was not being treated. I told my wife, "there is no room in this marriage for me" because everything was about her, her needs, etc. Every time I tried to communicate or complain about something, it got tuned around on me, so I finally stopped communicating.

It takes a very special marriage councelor to make it work, and you may not find the right one the first time out.

We went because my wife thought I was the one who needed fixing. As it turns out, although we had communication problems, she had many issues she needed to deal with with regards to her relationships with men.

It is difficult, and many times we went home not speaking to each other because we were "digesting".

The councelor also brought the children in, because she wanted to know what the dynamics were from their perspective. The councelor used very passive techniques with the children to get their point of view, (assembling figures in a doll house, drawing pictures, etc).This was a real eye opener to my wife in terms of how the children saw us.

Long story short, we finished our family counceling, and my wife has since been going to counceling alone to deal with her issues. We have rules about comminucating, the best one is that if one of us wants to complain, the other cannot use that same conversation to voice a complaint, which forces that person to HEAR the other.

It's not that men are lousy communicators - look how easily they communicate with each other. It's just that they communicate differently than women.

Good luck.

secretgfm

Posted: 06 Oct 22:36

Wow! I have to tell you I am reading your post and this is my marriage exactly - just switch the roles. I have the exact same feelings with my wife - I feel like I have a roommate and not a lover or partner. We have been married 17 years and have 3 children. I have privately thought about divorce but would never do that to my children - so most of the time I just live with un-met expectations. I used to be very affectionate and "hands on" but after years of no response I am now not affectionate at all - and I hate it. It makes me resentful. I have tried books on relationships, sex toys, gifts, cards, flowers....not to mention doing the basics like laundry, cooking dinners, cleaning...whatever she asks, but never any change in her response. She sees no issues in our relationship and just claims we are "in a busy time of our lives" but makes no effort for a closer relationship. Sex life is boring..3 times per month. Again, she sees no problems that need to be fixed even though I have brought it up and we have gotten into major discussions over this at least three times in the last five years, but no changes. I believe in my family but need some time of connection with my partner. Sounds pretty pathetic for a dude - but I would never leave my kids. As I write this I have spent the holiday wekened with the kids because she was shopping and meeting her girlfriends yesterday and had to work today. I make a great dinner tonight, fix her a drink and now she is sound asleep upstairs and here I am. Didn't even know she went to bed! Very normal evening for me.

jss150

Posted: 06 Oct 22:36

From a man's perspective I definitely feel badly for you, sexkitten, and for the other ladies in your position. However, when it comes to therapy there is a fundamental flaw in your logic. You're saying that you don't want to go to therapy because afterward when he touches you or makes any effort then it's not genuine. Well that's just not true. How about the fact that talk therapy allows men - who relate to unemotional logic particularly from independent parties - to understand where the problem lies and why it's important to their partners.

As men from traditional backgrounds we aren't taught how to manage our emotions. It has never been and still is not ok to show emotion other than anger or furstration. If it doesn't show a physical bruise, cut or sprain then .... everything's fine - which is what he's telling you. A licensed therapist is trained to deal with these issues and if it's a male therapist then he might even be better at coaxing out these suppressed feelings.

I suspect that the weight-gain is a major issue for him. While I sympathize with your illness and applaud your self-confidence, appearances do matter to most men. Men are extremely visual creatures. So to hold up your end of the bargain, show some initiative in getting back into the gym. Otherwise there'll be a stand-off of who is NOT gonna do something next. That's a battle you both lose every time.

Finally, don't start the pointing fingers game regarding his hair loss. In his mind he's probably thinking that you're using that as an excuse to not do anything fitness-wise. Furthermore, it's just not the message you intend to send.

I'm certainly not saying that all this is your fault but I think you don't quite fully understand his perspective either. He's in pain just as much as you are but only through recognising his concerns as legitimate can you two achieve progress.

anti-hero

Posted: 06 Oct 22:36