Teenage son, porn, university and relationships
I'm a single/divorced mother raising a 16 year old son. He has been watching adult content on the computer and downloading a bunch of it. Personally I don't have a problem with it as long as people don't try comparing to real life like looking at women as objects or getting their sex education from fantasies. He's a very smart and curious kid so he always learns a lot about these well anything that interests him. In fact he skipped 2 grades and is very active athletically despite being so bright.
Anyways I don't think that's an issue with my son since he is a very respectful person and probably know more about sexual health and how the body works then most adults. He even took out a bunch of sex ed books (some which were very graphic) from the library when he started puberty and took pretty extensive notes. (I'm a little nosy)
Anyways I don't have a problem personally but I'm worried if it's a bad idea at his age no matter how mature and bright he may be. On the other hand he's started university last so everyone he's around are adults. He also has a girlfriend a year older then him and I'm concerned that it might hurt their relationship or result in them having sex.
I'm not really sure what to do since physically and mentally he's an adult but 16 years old. What do you think I should?
Jess7
Replies:
sounds like he may know all about the mechanics but needs a positive sit down to discuss the ways of respect and responsibility, it would be very easy for a kid his age to get into trouble in the university setting
hot-texan
As his mother, you do have a responsibility here so decide in advance precisely what you want your message to him to be but I would also say show him some respect. He's handled himself quite well and has shown drive and intelligence - he is worthy of your respect.
What he may not know are the dating pitfalls and how to recognise what my son calls "the crazies". Giving him the benefit of your greater experience is a good idea.
EvilEvilKitten
I agree with EEK, yet with all your son's intelligence, he may well be book wise yet street poor, meaning that while he can acquire book knowledge easily, he may not yet have the mental and emotional maturity to understand life's skills and knowledge also referred to as "street smarts". This ability has nothing to do with intelligence, rather what phase of life he is in along the decade long path of transitioning from a child to an adult. From your description of events it sounds like you believe he will acquire both just because he is a bright boy. Not so. You still need to talk to him about life, love romance, sex, and the how-to's of all this as well as all the other skills he will need to gather by simply living life, and it is this that cannot be advanced ahead a couple of years.
I recommend that you continue to guide him by discussing what he is watching, learning, doing, and as important--wanting to do. You sound like a very proud mom and should be commended for raising a very capable offspring yet do not get sidetracked into believing that innate IQ will substitute for your adult supervision.
Please do not compare the ability to learn concepts and tools from books with life experiences. He is still physiologically a sixteen year old male with all the hormonal drives and lack of experiences. Boys typically mature a couple of years behind girls so at sixteen with a college age girlfriend, you will find that the two are simply on two different pages socially and emotionally.
I'm not really sure what to do since physically and mentally he's an adult but 16 years old. What do you think I should?
As noted, I do not agree with you that he is an adult and especially in the eyes' of the law, although there are a few exceptions. Wait until age 18! at least and 21 for most. While he may be able to father a child, the end of puberty does not automatically signify that a boy has become an adult. He needs another five years at least--this is just the way Mother Nature has designed the process. So what I suggest you do is to monitor him as you would any other teenage boy at this stage and place appropriate limits on his exposure to material and activities. Yes, he may be in college, yet you cannot permit his innate intelligence to rule his hands, feet, and, mouth. Acquiring these skills are time related. For example, for all his intelligence, he like any other teenager lacks the ability to see around corners and predict the consequences of his actions. Why? Because this area of the brain does not develop until sometime during a person's twenty first year! So, Mom, continue to be a mom and guide this young man into adulthood.
Welcome to the SI101 Board and its Forums. I hope you will enjoy participating. Please begin by familiarizing yourself with the Index found at the top of the main screen. The Index contains links to helpful informative insightful, as well as how-to information that discuss the most common questions and concerns people ask about. In addition, if you or your son click on the site's Home Page, you will find even more information. I invite the two of you to read every article, discuss what each of you have learned, and then add the information to what each of you already know. There is much more value for him within these articles than what he will receive from view any more porn than what hes has to date. Right now, he is being stimulated. I challenge the two of you to stimulate his mind, now. Knowledge is empowering. If he enjoys learning and reading, these articles should whet his appetite. Let him know that after viewing a few videos, porn pretty much does nothing but stimulate him and he can do this himself by developing a healthy imagination.
I hope this is of help. Got questions?
dancingdoc2
Also remember that no matter how smart and mature someone acts, the brain itself isn't done developing until the mid 20's.(I see Doc's already touched on that). Throw in hormones, a general lack of experience, and the social extremes of many peers and who knows how someone ends up balancing what they've read and are seeing.
I began college courses at 15 while also juggling an athletic career with much more time spent on the road than at home and both of those were with people significantly older than me. There was of course much more sex happening in the sports crowd but out of those engaging, the ratio of people having very irresponsible sex and/or acting quite poorly towards the opposite sex was pretty much the same between the academic and sports crowds. That ratio was also directly related to those with involved and caring parents and sexual education and those without.
If he's behaving in a responsible manner, great! That will hopefully lead to easier and more productive discussions. Some parts may be rehashing things that he'll just say "but mom I know already", but they should still be discussed. For some things you could even say that even if he does, it's for your benefit and peace of mind, which he should want so you're not worrying and nagging him all the time!
funinthesun
It sounds to me as if your main concern is that your little boy is finally going to grow up; even though as you say he is already mature for his age. This is a normal concern in parents. We can't stop teenage boys from looking at pornography. They couldn't stop us when I was a teenager in the 70s and we can't stop kids now. A Sixteen year old looking at images and videos of naked women and of people having sex is so normal that it's boring. Your job (in this matter) as a responsible parent is to make sure that he knows about birth control, protection from STDs and make sure that he is a respectful young gentleman. If he has sex with his 17 year old girlfriend he will be neither the first nor the last 16 year old to do it. On the other hand he might decide to wait.
dlb