'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressure you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where in which you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse or not and can uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sexual activities while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way', can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent. This could lead to forcing you into sexual behaviors and situations with which you may be uncomfortable.
Rigid Sex Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him, stay at home, obey him in all things-even things that are to the point of criminal behaviors. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, less intelligent, and unable to live as a whole person without being in a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shifting the responsibility for her well-being onto him, or heckle him as being 'not being a real man' if he shows any interpreted weakness or emotion.
In addition abusers tend to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, which they will do either in public or in private setting. This type of abuse can include degrading remarks, belittling comments, or trivializing any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid and could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to '’sort this out once and for all’' or even wake you at night to continue his/her verbal assault. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant facade to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and while reserving the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. The opposite is equally as true; abusers are not always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration when they deem it necessary. This Jekyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of outside suspicion. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood swings -such as one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but is typical of abusive personalities, and can be related to other secondary characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
Drink or Substance Abuse
While neither drinking nor the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and will increase the risks of abuse, especially physical violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse.
History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes or the abuser themselves may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "he/she made me do it by ..." or in some other way shift the responsibility and the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers indicators that abuse will occur.
This would obviously include any threat of physical force harm such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". But can also include less obvious psychological threats, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place, and to prevent you from making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying or using one or more of the following rationales: "everybody talks like that.", maintaining that he/she is only saying this because the relationship and or you are so important to him/her, telling you that you' are "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously you want to hurt him/her.
Breaking or Striking Objects
The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalizing you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much that they lost control. Once again an example of shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, and it is used to terrorize you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in an effort to threaten or intimidate them.
Any Force during an Argument
An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.
Regardless of which side of this equation you are on - get immediate help NOW! There is no future in this kind of relationship. You will not change either him/her or yourself. It is in your best interest to just to leave. Get out of there and file a police report. Any sign of gentleness/forgiveness on your part will only be seen as ‘weakness’ by him/her and he/she will continue to press, berate, and badger you into coming back to him/her for more abuse. Just be done with him/her. If you are the abuser – get help. There is something seriously wrong with you that only a medical professional can help you resolve.
There are women who do dreadful things because they think they’ll hold onto their abusive man by doing them. These include killing their own children, kidnapping and abusing other women/boys/girls, looking the other way when their abusive mate rapes. These women need professional medical help as well.
Posted: 08 Oct 21:17