OP: What's your view on what chemistry is?

I think you are right in many ways. However; the compatibility can be at a deeper level. Something that causes a burning desire that makes your blood boil and your heart beat faster. It's like a vibe that syncs or spark that lights fire, something beyond reason. The part that's chemistry is about a hormonal/chemical response in our bodies. Some scientists say triggered by the pheromones that "match" between two people. So it could have something to do with physical, yet deeper than appearance alone.

Chemistry is a very hard concept to grasp. It's there. Or it isn't. When it was there, it can disappear without warning over the years between people. It can also slowly be building, but you don't know it's there till it hits. And in rare cases; people "suddenly" see someone they know in a different light and "boom". This particularly can happen when either of you is in a phase of change. That's not something you should be calculating for or counting on, because there is no magic formula. Change should be for yourself and not to "fit" someone else. You could say the only way to improve the vibe, chemicals and appearance you're sending into the world is by simply being yourself and enjoying it :)

I'd say: don't force things that are not there. Enjoy your friendship, because it sounds like you two have a beautiful thing going on there!

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 23:55

Sometimes it's social chemistry. You just get on better with some personalities than others. Some personalities are better complimentary matches to eachother. Or maybe you'll have precisely compatible interests that'll keep you talking long into the night. Think about it; why do you make freinds with some people and not others? There's nothing wrong with most people, you just didn't "click" with them. Nothing spiritual about it.

There's also the chemical thing. I remember I worked with a guy once that made me physically warm just by being in the room. It was weird! I could tell if he had arrived behind me by the rise in my body temperature. I assume that I was reacting to his pheremones. Most guys don't do that to me, and there's no way I can control how my body feels about you.

If she says "chemistry isn't there", it means she just doesn't fancy you that much in these involuntary ways, and you shouldn't feel bad about it because her involuntary biological responses are nobody's fault.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the way you look, just not her taste. Apples and oranges, see?

llovell

Posted: 08 Oct 23:55

Tsk.

Chemistry is exactly what it says it is - your pheronomes are not compatible with her pheronomes so her sexual interest in you is nil. Oh, she likes you well enough - like a brother, say, or a good friend but as far as sex goes...no.

And that's all it is. Your hormones make hers...yawn and begin looking for the exit.

It has nothing to do with 'a spiritual connection' (gag) or 'looks' or money, power, wealth yadda yadda yadda - all of those things men like assuage their egos with by imagining 'if only I had x she'd love me'.

So if you're wondering why a guy of whom you'd say "If she ever gets an eye exam, he's so screwed" is with your dream-girl, that's why.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 23:56

ill agree with the whole pheronomes idea. but if, as u say, she's with an ugly guy because their scent matches...sorry, dont buy it. looks play a part of 'chemistry'. i dont care how much their scents match, there has to be an attraction....

RichardJohnson

Posted: 08 Oct 23:56

Attractive people are more likely to have better smells to others and unattractive people will be the opposite. Nature has never been nice. So your statement most likely wouldnt happen.

big916

Posted: 08 Oct 23:56

How to say this nicely?

You're wrong.

It isn't "attractive people smell nicer". Pfft. How your pheronomes work is based upon your immune system and compatible immune systems smell nice and attractive to you. Incompatible immune systems will just stink and repel you. And it is all beyond your control.

Chemistry has NOTHING to do with how you look.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 23:56

Just passing along info from the discovery channel eek. I trust that they do their homework.

big916

Posted: 08 Oct 23:56

Let's break that statement from Discovery down into pieces:

a) Some people have a smell that's attractive to a bigger group of people than others. Which is only logical. As EEK points out: the way we smell is based on our blue print. Genes with little deceases should attract more people.
b) In physical appearance some people attract a bigger group of people than others. Research shows us that symmetrical features attract. People who posses those features, generally have a more healthy genetic blue print

The correlation between certain physical beauty-aspects and the attractive smell produced, is therefor not weird at all, since they both give us signals about the genes underneath.

And that's the baseline of what the system of chemistry is all about; finding a genetic compatible mate. And the more healthy the genes, the more people will feel that they are compatible. However; matching comes from both ways or it won't work ;) So that the more people are attracted to you, does not mean you are attracted to them, or at least not all. Though it needs to be pointed out women seem more sensitive to this than men. Since she births children, nature has made her a bit more selective.

BUT; it is not meant to say that the people we feel attracted to need be "beautiful" by general standards. Reasons for that.

a) Our nature makes us find someone genetically compatible. A good genetic match to me, may be a disastrous match to another.
b) Just because there is a significant correlation between physical appearance, attractive smells and healthy genes, does not mean there is a guarantee. Especially not in this day and age.
c) Our social perspective can have a great influence on what we consider "beautiful" and that can damn near overwrite instincts. The mind is such a powerful thing.

There is a tricky part when it comes to us humans. We could actually debate how well this ancient system is still working these days. The way we live has made us less susceptible to natural instincts. We hide our bodies under clothes, which research has shown makes us less able to judge body-language and therefor also diminishes our ability to pick up on subtle (sexual) cues. We use cosmetic products all the time that change the way we look and smell. Several medication and supplements are known to change the way your own sweat smells and the way your body distributes fluids (which is an important way of how the body creates symmetry) for both better and worse. Not to mention surgery- both medical and plastic. And even the way we judge scents is compromised. For instance: several studies have pointed out that women who are on hormonal birth control judge scents very differently.

This thread reminds me of my biology-teacher in highschool who explained women have been given a difficult task by nature. She needs to find genetic compatible male to conceive a child with. But she also needs to bond with a man with more caring aspects, as her infant will be born helpless and needs many years growing up before reaching adulthood. Iow: a good mate and a good father to her child. Hardly do they come in one package- or so it seems :rolleyes: Sex is both the biological and social glue to achieve her purpose. Which is why women can feel so confused being attracted to men without any reason but her cells screaming fire, yet wanting to be with another who's sweet, charming, kind, reliable, caring, etc.

In the society as we've built it where monogamy is celebrated and fatherhood is planned pre-dating conception; we don't live by nature's standards at all. Although perhaps our social layers cover up more than we think. It's not surprising that a large world-wide DNA-research program by accident pointed out that about 1/3 of all fathers are raising children that are biologically not his, without him knowing this :rolleyes:

RedRoses

Posted: 08 Oct 23:58

Well, some of us live by nature's plan.

Be that as it may, you cannot consider chemistry as merely a function of appearance/'beauty'.

No matter how stunningly 'beautiful' a male may be, young or old, if his immune system is incompatible with yours, he will reek despite all attempts to cover it up with cologne, roses and hot showers. One sweaty interlude between the sheets, or at the gym, or game of volleyball puts an end to all subterfuge.

I have found errors in Discovery Channel programs before, big. Just sayin'.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 23:58

I can tell you, for as long as ive lived, ive never had an issue with my immune system. Get a cold, i kick it in a few days. havent had the flu in YEARS....and ive never had a flu shot. so my pheromones/genes/immune system is pretty good. so thus it must smell nice. so does my sperm. ;)

but still, regardless of if they smell nice, etc., if yo ugly, its not going to matter how u smell, u aint getting any sex.....unless u got money....

RichardJohnson

Posted: 08 Oct 23:58

You do not quite get it. Evil has laid out the scientific case for sexual attraction. Quite well, as she usually does. Thousands of generations of adaptation has led us to the point of biologically signalling one another. Some of us have been programmed to respond to some of those signals and not to others. We women have the Glands of Bartholin but, in the modern era, sniffing our bottoms is frowned upon - at least in public. So we try to adapt with other smells and gestures. Might work initially but it is not lasting because the "chemistry is not there."

There is a natural selection. For one specific person? No, but for some grouping of persons who might be considered special - the chemistry. This applies more broadly than just the biological - the intellectual, the emotional. "Chemistry" is the whole package.

Brandye

Posted: 08 Oct 23:58

Oh, EEK, you can be counted on to be SO cynical...! I do believe that I understand this vague subtle concept known as 'chemistry'. I do believe it IS pretty much just that, the combination of chemicals which causes us to desire another person, to crave their companionship and affection, to want to do things for them, to want to share a life with them, make and raise babies with them, protect, encourage and love them. But don't discount those even subtler things that can't be so easily identified and quantified, such as spiritual compatibility. My late wife and I had a VERY slow ignition from initial acquaintanceship to chemical intoxication and our subsequent lifelong commitment, a bit over five years. Of course, 15 year-olds are in no position to recognize or understand any of this, it's all merely crushes, fantasies and obsessions for the most part. But by the time we were 21 and had a bit of experience dealing with the opposite sex, we were slowly able to see one another in a very different way. We'd been great friends, confidants, somewhat as the OP describes, for a long time. I was actually friends with a few of her previous lovers, but mostly I was there for her for those five years as a friend--I'd help her move to a new apartment, I'd let her sleep over if she got too drunk to drive home, stuff that any friend would do for their buddy. We ignited the sparks that led us to finally 'sniff each others chemicals', as it were, exactly through a deepening spiritual connection. Okay we were college juniors, 20 years old, but as we began to talk, as kids that age often will, about the meaning of life and what we are here for and why and does god exist and if so what does (s)he have to do with me, and... etc--you get the tenor of those endless rapping-till-dawn sessions--as we went down that road together we discovered something very significant about ourselves and one another--that we needed one another to deal with these important issues. "You" and "me" became "Us" because of our endless spiritual discussions--we arrived at a working worldview together, which culminated in our realization/acceptance of the fact that our purpose in life was to love, and OH!, it seemed we loved one another. It was less physical, and more spiritual and intellectual. I suppose, EEK, that you also reject the concept of "soulmates", but for us, faith became a centerpiece of our life together, the search for god was what we saw as our purpose. It remained that way throughout our 35 years together. It had nothing to do with religion--we rejected that--but it was a personal spiritual journey we undertook together.

I can hear you gagging a chorus by now, but leave that door open just a crack. I'm not talking here about some idea of god as some old white man with a long beard living up in the clouds. God is the force which sparks our creativity, which motivates us to achieve, which causes us to fight for our children's well-being and which breathes life into our love. God IS Love. God is Mother Earth. Now THAT is chemistry, if you ask me!
Michael

mikkiji

Posted: 08 Oct 23:59

> It has nothing to do with 'a spiritual connection' (gag)

Here's a bucket for you lol :D

g-dubz

Posted: 08 Oct 23:59

Yes, I am cynical.

But - What do you suppose I meant when I said "a meeting of the minds" I wonder? That's really what 'a deep spiritual connection' actually is - two or more people who think alike and share the same concepts, goals, hopes, dreams and so forth. All of these are products of one's mind, though we like to call it something else, because it is in your brain that 'you' reside.

I find that fascinating enough so I don't talk about 'a deep spiritual connection' or 'soulmates' nor do I want 'two to become one'. I want two agreeing as adults to work together as one - because if he's just like me, that would get rather boring. If he remains his own man, I can remain fascinated and intrigued by him.

"You must tell me everything about yourself, in every detail, only slowly, very slowly, so it takes a very, very long time."

Yo, Johnson, you're still not getting it. COMPATIBLE with HERS is the point, not whether you get sick easily or not and SHE JUDGES that SUBCONCIOUSLY by smell. And, no, you can't judge your own pheronomes because you can't smell them since you're habituated. Didn't you study ANY science?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 08 Oct 23:59