OP: Breaking up after 3 years... need some support pls!
I haven't been on these forums for a while but I really need some objective opinions and some support. I'm so torn on what to do. I'm breaking up with my bf of over 3 years, so of course this is really difficult. So here are both sides of it...
THE PROS: We have a really nice relationship. We live together. We get along well and hardly ever argue. We are highly compatible. I enjoy sex with him. He's a great companion, very sweet and attentive. If I get home late he waits up for me and will make me dinner or a cup of tea. He doesn't have much money and is pretty frugal but on special occasions he buys me beautiful jewelry and he takes me out for the occasional meal. He adores me and thinks I'm perfect for him. He makes me feel very loved and special. He tells me how gorgeous I am on a daily basis even when I'm wearing no makeup and in pajamas. I am entirely comfortable with him. I can imagine a long-term future with him. I know he'd be a great father. He'd be a wonderful person to grow old with.
THE CONS: Most importantly, this is the first big relationship for either of us. I have never really had another serious boyfriend, because we met in high school. We're young (college age). I want to date other people and experience other things. I have nothing to compare him to. I don't really feel passion for him. I used to be in love with him, but I think my feelings for him now are largely platonic. I love the familiarity of coming home to him, having him comfort me, etc. But that said, that could be a roommate, sister, close friend, mother... He knows me better than anyone else (and I him) and we get along great, but I'm worried I should feel something more burning for him. I want to really have a desire for him, and I don't. Our sex is pleasurable and he can usually make me cum, but I don't come on to him very often or initiate it because outside of the actual experience he doesn't really turn me on. I never fantasize about him, and when I look at pictures of him or think about his appearance, it doesn't appeal to me.
He's not very social, so I don't like taking him places. In the course of our relationship, I have made some friends, but he has made none. He makes pretty much no effort to meet people or build social connections. He also complains that I am away too much doing other things, but does little to keep himself occupied outside of his college classes and several hobbies which he does alone. He has several old friends who he communicates with regularly, but he knows no one in our city (we moved here together 9 months ago) because he has not made the effort to get to know anyone. I on the other hand am trying to make friends and would enjoy having more of a social life and more independence from each other.
I'm objectively the much better looking and more outgoing one. So naturally I wonder what it would be like to date other people. I feel like I'd be very successful at it. I know this is probably true for a lot of people, but I've had several major crushes in the last year where I seriously have considered leaving my bf and really wondered about what relationships with them would be like. I'm more attracted to many other people than I am to my bf. I'm not shallow and looks are not the most important to me in any way, but it would be nice to be physically drawn to my bf.
The big thing for me is that I think I should feel more for him. The idea of being without him is really painful for me in a lot of ways. I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I worry that I will never have as nice a relationship with anyone else or be as comfortable with anyone else. I know so many older people who end up alone or in unhappy relationships, and what I have with my bf is really great. We are compatible as companions and having great sex or having burning passion might be overrated. It's so nice to be loved and to have someone who cares so much for me. But then there is the longing in me that says I can do better. That says I am a great catch and that I can find someone who feels this way about me but who I also feel for on a deeper level. And the feeling that I should have that passion at some point and find out for myself whether that is what I want.
I have told him all this and he is planning to move out, though he is still convinced we are right for each other and that he will never find anyone he loves more. (Which I feel is a little silly and overdramatic because we're so young - there is tons of time, but he's still in love with me, so I understand how he feels). If I said the word, he would stay with me. If I said the word, he'd marry me today. As for me, sometimes I am dead set on the idea that we need to break up and have time apart and explore and date other people and see what is out there. And sometimes I start crying because I will be giving up a lot and losing my best friend. I just worry and wonder. And I love and care about him and I don't want to hurt him, which I am. And it would be a lot easier to stay in a relationship than leave it. I've been with him a long time and I am so used to him, so of course I am going to be upset.
I feel like rationally, of course we need to break up. I am anticipating what everyone is going to say - you're too young, you need to date other people and find out what you like. And I agree with that. I do feel that that is what I need. If I stay with him, the feelings I have aren't going to go away. And we could have an open relationship, but I don't think that would resolve the issue either. But it's the hardest thing I've ever done and he hasn't even moved out yet, so it's not quite final and I am feeling so torn.
Does anyone out there have thoughts on this? Have you gone through something similar? Support and opinions would really be appreciated. Mostly support. I am feeling upset, confused, and vulnerable and just need to get this stuff off my chest a bit and hear what you guys have to say, because this is so damn hard!!! Thanks in advance.
Posted: 06 Oct 22:46