Forums » LGBTQ » For anyone struggling... my story

OP: For anyone struggling... my story

Hey all
Before you read this, please don't start hating on me because I decided to share my story. I simply want to try and help, and this just came to me suddenly. (if someone can add some useful information, please do)

first off, a bit about myself

I won't give you my name, so just call me Calliton
I am 18, a senior in high school, and an oddball. I go to a christian school, listen to heavy metal (Black sabbath, Metallica, Iron Maiden. All the good stuff) I am a first degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do, an avid air-softer, a weapons collector, and a reptile/spider lover.

I don't fit in too well at my school. I have the longest hair of any guy (or two guys combined) at my school. I have a long distance relationship, and I highly disagree with a lot of the BS my school puts out.

I am a virgin with both men and women, and hope to stay a virgin with women until my girlfriend decides she wants to go that far. I hope to lose my virginity with a man this summer (fingers crossed).

now for my words of semi-wisdom

Recently I have come to accept, fully, my being bi-sexual. This has been a tough thing for me to accept. I have spent the last few months truly struggling with these feelings. These month have been tough due to this internal struggle. My struggle has been difficult, more so than some, due to one big factor. I go to a Christian school.

My whole life I have been conditioned to be afraid of homosexuality in any form (homophobic). I never hated gays, but I had the philosophy of "Keep your dick away from me and we will all get along."

I spent years simply thinking my still growing feelings were just my mind being... my mind (I have an odd mind in my skull) and just ruled off my arousal by the male body as something I dubbed "sympathy horny". I had thought I was turned on by an aroused man because I knew what that feeling was like. That was a few years ago, and now that I am 18 and maturing sexually, I have realized that these feelings are more than being "sympathy horny". I wanted to feel another man's penis in my hands, my mouth, and even my ass. The last one is more personal to me than you might thing, since I was born without an asshole (insert joke here) This is a real medical condition, and I have been fixed (I was given a colostomy for a year then my digestive track was completed).

At this point I was afraid. I had grown up afraid of the "faggots" and I was just in fear for a while. I ignored my urges, I ignored my thoughts, and I filled my mind with titties (mmmm... titties). Eventually I started to talk with a few people. I talked with my girlfriend, who happens to be bi (i was more afraid of male gays, I have always dug lesbians to some degree) I talked to a couple old friends I found out were bi. While talking to one she said something along the lines of "Having you talk to any of my bi male friends would be an insult to them. You are probably feeling this way because your life is boring." she all around gave me a hard time about all this, and I wavered in who I thought I was.

Eventually I sat down and said to myself "Self, what do you like?" My answer both frightened, and enlightened me. I said back to myself "I like tits. I like pussy, I like cocks. I like human beings." I had discovered my sexuality and begun to accept it.

It took a few more weeks before I found this place. I read around, asked questions, and begun to grow. I am still growing, but I have finally accepted my sexuality 100%. I won't be telling anyone at my school anytime soon, but I have accepted it. I have pleasured myself to pictures of men in sexual acts alone or with each other before. I have tasted my own cum regularly (An acquired taste for sure) and I want to seriously experiment to see if I am right in these feelings.

I know there are people struggling with their sexuality, and I have something a friend once said that I shall say to you "You are who you are and you like what you like."

I know someone here is probably gonna say "We already have this here *link*" or "That's a great story, but how does it apply to me?" I know my little story isn't all encompasing, but I do know that a collection of them can help a person. So please, share your struggle (or lack thereof).

With a big goofy smile
-The Calliton

p.s. shaved down there for the first time. I now understand why women do it, very comfortable!

Posted: 30 Sep 08:04

Replies:

Calliton, I find this thread wonderful! It is amazingly open, honest and a hint vulnerable. I hope I don't scare you by putting it this way; I believe there lies great strength in vulnerability. It is one of the hardest things to do and therefor being able to "show" makes you powerful and grounded on your own two feet. It is actually a mark of your own acceptance.

I am very glad to read that you've found peace with yourself. I wish you well on this journey you've commenced. Growing towards becoming the man you want to be. And I do think there will be those that see a mirror when reading your story. I hope they will get the message. Your friend is right; you are what you are. People are not perfect. And we will never be able to match all expectations, standards, etc. If it were only because within every group and individual these standards differ and contradict. The greatest gift you can find in this life, is finding yourself. You are beautiful in your own imperfect way!

RedRoses

Posted: 30 Sep 08:04


Thanks, RR
I was afraid people would tell me this was in the wrong place
I'm glad you like it, and I hope some others can pitch in to help also.

Thecalliton

Posted: 30 Sep 08:05


That is a very good post to share with everyone. I'm not sure if I'm bi sexual or just curious. I have never been with another women but I find myself checking them out a lot and I on occasions I watch lesbian porn with my fiance and it secretly turns me on. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be with a women but I think that is probably all it will ever be just a thought in my head. I also was raised in a really religious Christian home up till I was 12 and moved. I wasn't allowed to wear bathing suits, shorys, tank tops, I couldn't watch anything non christian, no Disney or other cartoons, sex was of the devil unless you were married. Not saying my life was bad it was good but it has really made me struggle with my self confidence, sexuality, and just trying to figure out who I am.

epicsexy

Posted: 30 Sep 08:05


Don't be afraid if who you are. If you are bi then as I like to say it "Who gives a flying fuck about what other people thing about you. It who you are and it isn't anybodies business to tell you different." A lot of people don't know this about me but I am a juggalette ( please don't ask me what that is unless you message me and even then I might not answer that) but as me and my juggalo family say we say what we mean and we mean what say. And also we don't live a fake life. So keep your head up and just be who Everthe fuck you want to be

Devilsdaughter

Posted: 30 Sep 08:05


I too enjoyed your openess in your post Calliton. I wondered if I was bi curious because I was open to trying anal play. I don't know how much sex is talked about at your Christian school but it was pretty openly talked about at my public school. It had to be straight talk only though among most, at least those I hung around with. I dont think they hated gays but just didnt want to hear about it. I was afraid If I mentioned that I would try anal play I would be labeled gay by most students. I'm older now a little wiser I hope about sexuality and realize with me i am not bi or gay but just open to being pleasured in more ways than traditional norms, and I wouldn't be afraid to tell anyone if they ask now.
Calliton it won't be long before you are out of high school and will finally begin your life and be yourself completely. Thanks for sharing your story.

big916

Posted: 30 Sep 08:05


All societies demand conformity. But this doesn't mean you have to conform if that's not 'for you'. Congrats on giving in!!

There are two things I wish to bring to you for consideration.

There are two remaining items concerning bisexuality that I have found out during my travels.

1. In the Swing/Lifestyle world - there is considerable pressure for women to become bisexual. Now pressure to be something you're not is foul whether it is pressure to be or not to bisexual. I am not at all bisexual.

2. Most women, sorry ladies, shy away from bisexual men. They say because it is fear of diseases, and that is a concern if not practicing safe sex, but I think they also feel, this is my opinion now, devalued if a man they're interested in is bisexual. I could be wrong, of course, but I doubt it.

What do you think?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 30 Sep 08:06


That maybe true about concern for diseases but I think girls are just as concerned with a straight guy that sleeps around. Herpes is the big concern since it isn't curable and HIV seems to be not in the focus anymore. Not sure about the gay community. Yes I would agree bisexual men are looked down upon compared to bi women. The men are less of a man is a silly perception since some of our brave soldiers are gay. And I believe the Spartans engaged in sex with eachother and they are perceived in the movie 300 to be what every man wants to be and every woman wants to have.

big916

Posted: 30 Sep 08:07


I would not be any more afraid of decease than I would with any straight guy. I would ask him to wear a condom no matter bi or heterosexual. And if the relationship has reached a point of being exclusive, I'd either way ask for an STD-check-up, before any unprotected sexual act will occur. It is all about him as a person. I think people let the news spin their heads too much. There are bi/gay men that take pleasure in unprotected sex in parking lots and they make it to the news. Those are very few, yet gives others a bad name.

What I will find worthy to discuss is if and how he would want to practice his bisexuality within the relationship. Since I had the same talk on the wishes for third parties with my bf when we decided to be exclusive, that wouldn't matter either. I think any such things should be open to discuss and wishes open to be expressed in a relationship. I wouldn't want their to be shame within the relationship. Shame makes us feel bad about ourselves. Not to mention it will only lead to creeping and secrecy.

He would certainly not be less the person I fell in love with. Not less a "man" (if there is something as THE man ;)). Even though I've never encountered this situation, I am sure it would not make me feel devalued. I can't wrap my mind around this... just don't understand:
How would his sexual orientation make him, me or the relationship less of value?
Would a woman that feels that way, also consider herself half the women and devalue her men and their relationship if she were to be bisexual?

RedRoses

Posted: 30 Sep 08:07


Actually NO The Spartans did NOT engage in homosexuality - since they were a culture totally focused upon having as many soldiers as possible to the point of freeing men who fatherd 5 sons from military service as well as giving him tax breaks.

Whatever you know of Ancient Greeks - just reverse that for the Spartans.

There most definitely is an anti-bisexual male "double standard" in America.
And bisex males are perceived as being "less than a man" but most esp if he "receives" anal sex.

This anti-male "double standard" also applies to men who comply with domintrices but that's another issue.

Silly, really, since another person's opinion about your masculinity/femininity is inconsequential to anyone who accepts him/herself.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 30 Sep 08:07


To every bi-man out there I'd like to say that if a woman feels that you devalue her and your relationship by your sexual orientation, then she is not worthy of you. A relationship is the place in which you should feel safe to be yourself. She is trying to make you feel bad over something you should not feel bad about. She's trying to gnaw at your self esteem. Don't let anyone take that from you! Be proud of who you are!

The fun fact would be that even though the word homosexuality is derived from "homos" meaning "the same", the Greek did not have a differentiating term for homo- hetero- or bisexuality. All were considered one and the same desire.

Homosexuality in the sense of pederasty was a system that was transferred from Kreta to Sparta and Athene in the 7th century B.C. (as described by Percy, "Pederasty and Pedagogy in Archaic Greece", 1996). Pederasty is a system under which a young warrior in his early twenties took a teenager of his own aristocratic background as a beloved until the age of thirty, when service to the state required the older partner to marry and relieved him of his army-duties.

The thing is; within the army it should most likely not be thought of as homosexuality in monogamous bonds as we know today. Think of it as sexuality between male friends; a type of brotherhood. That would in no way interfere with fathering 5 sons. Especially not given the timeframe of conscription and marriage.

RedRoses

Posted: 30 Sep 08:08


How is the tolerance in holland RR ?

big916

Posted: 30 Sep 08:08


Admittedly; I'm rather open-minded and considered very accepting. But throughout the nation, there is high tolerance. It's actually our reputation as Dutchmen :)

On homosexuality there is clear tolerance and acceptance. I had a gay teacher in high school and a lesbian teacher in primary school. It's not like they would show off, just like you don't show off you're hetero. It's just that we all knew and no-one thought odd of it. We allow gay marriage since 2001. And they can also adopt children (though it appears to take more trouble). In the army homosexuals were first allowed about 30 years ago, 20 years ago the climate within the army changed to acceptance. In the '90s the troops abroad got both Playboys and the Gay-newspaper send to them by the ministry. Guess that says a lot ;)

I recently saw an episode of en Slikken (Dutch show on sex and drugs on the national tv channel) in which the difference between US and our culture was emphasized. Magician Hans Klok was their guest. We all know the man is gay. Yet; when he went on tour in Las Vegas with Pamela Anderson, they kept it quiet. Just because the US is so much more conservative. There was a chance it could ruin the kick-off. It wasn't a real secret for any journalist that would do some digging. When they did, he saw headlines with "gay magician". You will not find that here. Cause what has got his sexual preference to do with his profession?

On bisexuality, I am yet to meet the person that has a problem with women being bisexual. Admittedly; there is a bit more surprise when a man admits to be bi. I'd qualify that as harmless amazement. Or as one of those tv-hosts that recently came out, said: "guys are just far more prudent than girls". People certainly don't lose a career or job or anything over sexual preference. Your boss won't even ask. The exception would be some religions and religious organizations. Although we even have several Christian churches that marry gays :)

Amsterdam used to be the most tolerant capital in the world, but we recently (since 2009) have problems with increasing violence against homo, bi and transgenders; esp boys holding hands. And the nation just gets so upset over things like that! Guess that emphasizes how much we care.

Don't get me wrong; it's not like everyone's talking sexuality here like we're talking about the weather ;) It's more a protect our equality, accept eachother for who we are and live and let live attitude. There is some intolerance growing towards Islam at the moment, which I think is sad...

RedRoses

Posted: 30 Sep 08:09


in most parts California is similar regarding tolerance. i have had gays teachers and no one really cared. we are still working on everyone accepting gays in the military. the biggest obstacle is the southern states. a lot of people there still do not accept miscegenation. you either have to be black or white. my cousins experienced that when living in Louisiana. as far as the gay magician i think reporters like to put people on the spot and make them pick a side. whether its about being gay or straight or if you accept people's right to choose.

big916

Posted: 30 Sep 08:09


thanks for the historical discussion there...
anyways, I am glad you all like my story, now could someone else share? I want alot of people to be able to read this and go "That is just like me! It must be ok to be bi" or gay.

Thecalliton

Posted: 30 Sep 08:09




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