OP: Married woman becoming bi-curious

I am not married, but I am a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man. During my relationship with my boyfriend, I have had a few sexual experiences with women. However, the important thing is that I did so with my boyfriend's permission. In fact, he has been directly involved in the experience most times.

I strongly advise you to talk with your husband about this before you try to satisfy your curiosity. Many men are turned on by the idea of their girlfriend or wife having sex with another woman, so there is a good chance that he will be okay with it. However, until you have gotten his permission, you should look at this in the same way you would look at having an affair with a man.

girlygirl

Posted: 30 Sep 06:11

I agree! I have had that same curiousity and have run it by my hubby. Thank gawd I did before I acted on it, because he has absolutely no interest in it nor is he okay with me being with anyone else - even another woman.

Now he is not the jealous type and actually he is very outgoing and fun. Great guy with a big heart. This really was quite a surprise even though we've been together for 10 years+. I guess it all boils down to the fact that he's an oldfashioned guy with definite views on fidelity.

I guess I will have to keep it where it is now....just a fantasy. He's more important. Damn! LOL!

Jaime

Posted: 30 Sep 06:11

I am a bi- woman who is presently in a relationship with another bi- woman. We each have a strong desire for some penis time once in a while. We have very specific agreements on how this is handled.

During two long term co-habiting relationships with men, I had a g/f during one and not during the other. I have seen estimates that up to 30% of all women have had a romantic/sexual relationsip with another woman irrespective of their marital status. It is certainly a safer outside relationship than with another man. I do, however, know of a few divorces as a result of the wife deciding she preferred to be lesbian.

This is a decision that must be made by you in the context of your marriage. I will not recommend either side but will only say that this is much more common than you think.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 06:11

Wiseman pointed out to me in a private message that my using "deciding she preferred" could be misconstrued. I agree that the word discovering would be better.

The literature on homosexuality is indicating more and more that male homosexuality is genetically programmed. No such linkage has been found for female homosexuality - but that is not to suggest that it will not be found.

Many lesbians I have known have tried to meet their parents expectations and have gone so far as to be married before deciding that was not who they were. The literature on bisexuality emphasizes that we are all capable of relating to both sexes. Bisexuals seem to fall somewhere in the middle of the continuum of hetero- to homo-sexuality. Most women I have discussed this with admit to at least a degree of bi-curiousity. A surprising number have had given it a try.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 06:12

My wife is definitely bi-curious - when aroused she will fantasise aloud explicitly about experiencing it.

However once she comes back down, she makes out it doesn't interest her - and seems to find the thought of the physical act distasteful. (She says that during sex, she just does it to turn me on more, which turns her on more ... hmmm, maybe )

I think her reaction during sex is her subconscious natural feeling coming out (whether she would ever act on it or not).

I think her second reaction is a direct reflection of her puritanical upbringing. We have a lot to thank our parents for, but "inherited" bigotry isn't one of them!

I suspect there are many, many more women (and men) who feel this way about their dual sexual desires than will ever acknowledge it - a great shame really!

I don't know if I would ever be ok with her persuing another woman in real-life. Like probably most males, it feels like a big turn-on to me at the physical level to think of two women (including my own wife) together, but on an emotional level I suspect it wouldn't be disimilar to agreeing to her chase another guy.

An interesting topic!

Guido

Posted: 30 Sep 06:13

I am a bisexual lady who enjoys the fruits of both looms, however since being with my boyfriend, the feelings towards woman have completely switched off. They did resurface a little while into the relationship, during a chance encounter with an ex g/f. Nothing came of it, and I dont think my b/f would be interested, sexually, if it did. He says that I should do what makes me happiest, even if it does involve sexual activity with others, but I know how much it would hurt him, and wouldnt want to anyway. Ive been down that path for the time being and I know where it leads, and I would give the world if I had to just to stay in sight of the path I'm on.

liloldme

Posted: 30 Sep 06:13

I understand completely where you are coming from. I consider myself bi-curious, however on actually acting apon it, will more then likely never happen. I love my husband to much to jeperdize the relationship we have. I have brought it up to him a few times before, and he does not like the idea however when we were dating it was a curiosity we both had. Guess maturity hits ya.

Angelpie7070

Posted: 30 Sep 06:13

I'm married , been with my husband for a long time.
I've been bi sexual since I can remember. Personaly I dont feel that supression of sexuality leads to anything productive emotionaly for the person or in their relationship. When I met my husband I told him who I was and he accpeted it. Sometimes they are cooler than we think they will be about such things. I suggest maybe approaching him with this desire and maybe you could incorporate him somehow. Or if you dont want him involved maybe just trying things yourself after you have both set ground rules he will feel safe within the peramiters of.
Good luck to you. Just be honest with your parnter and yourself.

Junocozmos

Posted: 30 Sep 06:14

I am married to a wonderful man and i have been having a strong desire to be with a woman.
she's straight but i have been fatanizing about her for weeks.
this not the first time i have been attracted to a woman.
i'm attracted to men but i don't know it means that i have been attracted to other women.
for years i have but off those feelings as me being misguided or needing to seek more spiritual refugee
i need some advise about what i am feeling
i don't know what to do
should i tell my husband or try and figure out what is going on with me first

capricorn

Posted: 30 Sep 06:14

I think you need to decide what's going on with yourself before you spring this on your husband. Obviously, with the woman in question, this is just a fantasy. If she's straight, then you have no chance with her. However, if you're feeling like this is something you want to pursue with women in general then you need to discuss it with your husband. It's okay to have fantasies but to act on them requires the cooperation of both partners in a relationship.

oberon

Posted: 30 Sep 06:15

Well, teh real issue here is centered on your sexual attraction to a woman. But, i have to ask, in your heart, do you fully enjoy sex with a man - i mean, when u have the need to be intimate and have hot, deep sex - do u see sex with your husband as a means to that or THE source?

As oberon said, there's a huge diffrence between fantasy and acting on that fantasy. There's little doubt that if u were to act on your desire, you could risk your marriage. However, you also have to lookdeep into your heart and think if there's more to this than just wanting to expriment sexually.

Yes, i'm saying that almost all of us who lived the Str8 lifestyle, started to feel the same feelings u are feeling now...that the life we were living was somehow very short and lacking.

You might want to also consider looking for a good sexual counselor.

Rawbob

Posted: 30 Sep 06:16

i do enjoy having sex with my husband that's not an issue
it's just that for time i have been feeling like something is wrong with me because i have always felt attracted to women
i thought at first it was b/c i was lonely or felt hurt by past relationships
i cannot forget being with the first woman that i was with
i never told my husband or anyone else b/c i thought i was just young and experimenting
but i think about it alot sometimes
there are people who bad mouth being gay or bisexual
and i feel akward around them
they make me feel as if something is wrong with being in love with someone who is the same sex
they say it is wrong and your damned to hell if you do
i feel like i have two people living inside of me and i am only half living
i've horror stories of women who has lost custody of their children b/c their husbands felt they were a bad influence on their kids
i don't know what to do
everyday i look in the mirror and i see two people living inside one body
and the other half of me trying to come out but she can't b/c of the consequences
i keep feeling like i am going to live a lie for rest of my life
i enjoy with men as i do with women

:(

capricorn

Posted: 30 Sep 06:16

Caution: I have been actively bi-sexual since I was sixteen and that was a while ago.

Recent research has shown that up to a third of all married women have a same sex liaison occasionally. It seems that these realationships are becoming a bit more common than we ever anticipated. Those who describe themselves as "Bi-curious" probably put the figure over one-half of all women would like to give it a try or feel as you do. The social risks are about the same as having an affair. You may find you like being with someone else better than your husband or discovery may cause family embarassment. The incidence of STDs is lower and there is no chance or pregnancy. And there is no need to douche as soon as you get home.

Married women with a "g/f" tend to not be as promiscuous as men. I guess all I am saying that you are completely normal, experiencing questions that many women experience.

What you do about that is up to you and you alone.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 06:16

I recently married my husband about 8 months ago and since then I have shared my desire of wanting a bicurious encounter with a beautiful woman. Not so much for his pleasure (although he can watch) but mostly so that I can experience a woman for myself and all that comes with. But everytime I get excited about going out and meeting woman I feel this sudden pressure from my husband to hurry up and get it done already. He says he's not rushing me but he would like me to experience it cause he knows it would make me happy. Yes it would, but at the same time once I feel that pressure from him, it kind of takes all the excitement away. Part of me thinks that he's thinking if I get it over and done with, maybe next time he could join. And to be honest I really don't want that. I would just like to experience it and have him watch....what do I do? Am I weird for feeling this way about the whole situation?:confused:

molovato08

Posted: 30 Sep 07:49

The secret to a successful open relationship is communication, and by that I don't mean a brief one time discussion with questions not answered because of embarrassment or boundaries not set because of fear the other person won't like it. Sexual experimentation outside monogamy is an ongoing dialog with your partner and continual sounding on how you both feel about it, with the understanding that if either side doesn't like it it's done. It also has to be equal, in other words, no "I can do this activity, but I don't want you to" type stuff. Won't work. If you would enjoy something but can't be okay with your partner doing the same then don't do it.

Under those circumstances I disagree with doc and think threesomes do work . . . . they've worked in my fifteen year relationship and have worked for many couples I know. But to others who say "I don't know how you can do that . . . I would never be comfortable with it" I reply "Then don't." It isn't right for everyone, and only you know how you feel. Don't be bullied or coerced into anything that isn't in your comfort zone (which is a different thing from nervousness or anxiety from trying something new).

For starters I would diplomatically voice the concerns you've made in your post to him (the pressure, not sure if you want it to progress to a threeway, would he be okay with just watching, ect.), and then listen to what he says in return. See if there's room for compromise between your two positions (would you be okay if he said he wanted to masturbate while watching? Just an example) to a mutual ground. If not, bury the whole idea and move on.

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 07:50

> I would just like to experience it and have him watch....what do I do?

It's entirely possible that his impatience is merely excitement at the prospect. I know if my wife wanted me to watch her with another woman, I'd be more than a little distracted. That's the upside.

The downside is that you have to be really careful when you dabble in constructed (as opposed to casual) exhibitionism. See, by my thinking, wanting him to watch and not participate is entirely understandable, and at the same time, entirely unreasonable. Except as a special gift to you (again, an entirely reasonable thing to ask for), asking him to confine HIS behavior to a role you have defined (100% passive, but 100% present) makes him a means to your end, not an end in himself.

I'm positive this isn't your intention; your hope, in addition to pleasing and being pleased by another woman, is to please him, I'd bet. And no doubt it would. But there's that little element of being you the director in a stage play and him being in the audience; it's not the relationship most spouses choose if they think about it.

Entirely different context, facts, etc., but it reminds me of my wife planning our wedding. She had grand plans for her nieces as flower girls, etc. I simply asked her if she had ever asked them if they would WANT to play along. She looked at me like I was from Mars (while I looked at her like she was from Venus), "knowing" full well (and no doubt correctly) that they would want to. But she had never treated them like people, as opposed to characters in her play, by asking them. That's what I mean about treating him as a means (prop) as opposed to an end (someone whose sexual gratification is as important to you as you own, though I hasten to add that this doesn't preclude it from taking a backseat now and again if yours does the same!).

We had a long talk about that, and our wedding was completely different as a result--and my wife has become very vigilant about treating people like that.

For him to want to play with the two of you too is natural. Deciding for him if he can masturbate while watching sounds waaaaaaaay more controlling than a relationship that doesn't routinely incorporate discipline role-playing ought to go. I know much of your excitement may be tied up in him being frustrated, etc., and that's okay. Just think about the (many) ways he may want to dissipate that frustration, and not just the immediate sensation, but the one that follows remembering a very hot encounter.

UtilityCurve

Posted: 30 Sep 07:50

You may have failed to consider both the "Fragile Male Ego" as well as how he views his sexual relationship with you. He might not be willing, able, or ready, to separate what you do together as a demonstration of the love you have, with pure unadulterated sex for sex sake.

I believe you need to separate what you do as a couple and why, and what you may end up doing as an individual in order to satisfy a curiosity. As Brandye stated, these should be separate activities. Threesomes rarely work out and this does not much matter if all three are active or only two participants. Eventually doubt and insecurity and questions crop up and are not easily appeased.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 07:50