OP: I'm falling for a good friend... [m]
This is something I've been having many problems with and after browsing this site for the better part of a year, decided to try and get some advice from here. This is a long and complicated, and I don't really know which parts would and wouldn't be helpful, so I apologize for the length of this.
A very good friend of mine is engaged at the moment and has been having trouble with her fiancee. He's a man that likes to play around and have an open relationship when it comes to sex. He sees sex as a simple physical act that means nothing to a relationship, while she sees sex as a form of 'ultimate intimacy'. They've been talking and fighting about it for a while as he tries to get her comfortable with the idea and she tries to either see things his way or get him to see how she feels about it. They had recently started going to a swingers club to try and get her used to the idea (not having sex, but just being used to talking with other couples about it and such).
Well, to make things even more complicated, I had broken up with my girlfriend at the time when they had been starting to go to that swinger's club. My ex was a well-endowed woman and my friend's fiancee has always wanted to have sex with her ever since they had met (before we were dating). They had talked about it before and he decided to talk to her about it again since she was now single. Well, messages got misunderstood and my friend and her fiancee believed that my ex would be willing to act as a sex friend for him. My friend and I had been catching up with each other on more intimate details of our lives and had been talking about sex a lot (I was a virgin before my ex, so I was curious to see 'how I compared'). Well, a joke was made that, since her fiancee was going to get together with my ex, that my friend and I should hook up as well for some fun. We didn't take it seriously at first, but thought about it more and more, especially since we seemed to have all of the same likes and dislikes about sex.
After a few semi-awkward nights, we broke down and had sex together. While strange at first, the entire time we did it never felt 'wrong' to either of us and we were amazing for each other. She was only the second woman I had been with, but she far surpassed my ex in skill. Despite the experience she had in the past herself, I far surpassed all of them the first time too. While we believed that he would have my ex as his other partner, my friend and I had 2 more 'encounters' before it was found that he wouldn't have her as a partner. After we stopped, we continued talking to each other online and in person. We were very close friends before and would hang out regularly, but this remained unaffected by our adventures... at first.
It took me a while to notice it, and even longer to realize what it truly was. Even though we had temporarily stopped having sex, we had continued to learn more about each other. The more things we learned and rediscovered about each other, the more things we had in common and the closer we became. I noticed myself thinking and behaving towards my friend in the same way I acted towards my ex while we had been going out for a short amount of time, and she noticed the change as well. Things that she 'expected' her fiance to say or do about her issues or her achievements, she found that I was the one saying/doing them and her fiance ignored her. The more time we spent together, the harder it was for us to separate at the end of the night. This went one for about a month before we both admitted to each other the feelings that had been growing. We spent more time together, simply exploring what these feelings were to see if it was simply infatuation or a crush or something 'simple' as that, but our feelings for each other only grew.
Neither of us had thought of the other as a potential partner until we had started to talk about more intimate and personal matters. She had been having problems with her fiance before this whole mess, but she had been in many bad relationships in the past that she had resigned herself to thinking that she wasn't going to find anyone better and might as well try to live with the problems. After learning of the feelings I had for her and realizing the feelings she had for me, she's now stuck between the two of us. She still loves her fiance and doesn't want to lose the life that they have built together, but she knows she won't be truly happy with his outlook on relationships. She knows that she would be much happier with me and wouldn't need to worry about most of the problems she's facing now, but she doesn't know if she has the strength to take that risk (they have just purchased a house this year).
One of the major things we have in common is that we put the well-being of others before our own. As a potential partner, I have the confidence that I'd be able to treat her well and keep her happy. As a friend, I know she isn't happy and I want to be able to give her the strength to support her if she does leave. Whenever I offer her advice I feel like I'm betraying her and myself because I offer the advice of a friend that happens to be the kind of advice that would bring her in my arms. She has made her 'decision' to stay with him three times already, but each time something happens that makes her doubt her decision. The first time it was his reaction to it (he tried pushing her away and acted worse than before), while the second time was her realizing that the problems she's having were the same problems she's had in past relationships (the two drifting apart).
When we spend time together, we often act like a normal couple would (holding hands, kissing, etc). Throughout this entire ordeal, we've always been truthful to her fiance about our feelings and what we've done together. He's obviously bothered by the idea, but realizes that she needs to try and figure out what she truly wants right now and simply asked us to not have sex (or at least limit it as much as possible). We followed his request fairly well, but it's been getting harder resist when we're around each other. We've had sex a few times when he specifically asked her not to or have had sex and she hasn't told him about it. She doesn't regret it happening and doesn't want to avoid it, but she doesn't want to tell him because of how it will make him feel. She's been that way for us hanging out as well: we'd act just like a normal couple without any problems, and then she'd make mention of him and then would act awkward around me. I know she's confused and unsure of what she wants, but I'm getting mixed messages and don't know what I should do. I don't want to hurt her by being aggressive, but I also don't want to be too passive and risk losing her.
Again, I'm sorry for the length, but it's hard to limit myself and not feel like I'd be giving the wrong image or leaving things out. She's still not exactly sure what she wants at the moment and is simply 'going with the flow', staying with her fiance and being with me once in a week. I tried to simply ignore it or to try and see it as nothing more than sex, but it's not just that. She's even felt like she was cheating on me a couple of times while she was with him (instead of the opposite). I want to be with her and to let these feelings grow, but I fear that if I push to much she'll back away and if I give her too much space she'll drift away... I'm really lost here. :confused:
Mike1047
Posted: 06 Oct 00:24
