OP: How to nicely reject people when cybering?

OK so I have been addicted to chatting since last December. I have met all kinds of people from everywhere in the world and have had all kinds of relationships. Ranging from being a mother, sister, friend and even lover to some.

Yes I am married and I have engaged in cyber sex with men. Not many but ones that I have felt a true connection or deep liking to. But most of them so far have ended up being a problem by either falling in love with me (not bragging its fact) and by demanding more from me then I am willing to give. They are so far mostly single men that I have delt with. I have had a thing off and on for a few months with a married man but he likes to get from me more then I get from him. Very one sided.

So my question is how do I get rid of them without hurting them or coming off very rude? I don't do good hurting people. So, I just keep them on and frankly I am being drained from the constant IM's and e-mails. Also to be blunt here I have gotten bored or tired of some.

I have also very recently met someone new that so far seems to be exactly what I have been looking for to have some discreet and mature fun with. He is on one of my message boards and sent me a PM to see if I wanted to get to know each other better and see where it led. It led to me having two very powerful orgasms the first time we did anything sexual.

He gets that I am married and not looking to complicate that at all and he has no desire to mess up his life. We just both enjoy this sort of thing and have really hit it off. He knows I am a romantic even in fantasy and that I can separate my feelings from fact and fiction. He writes the hottest e-mails, chats with such ease, is so sexy and hot that I feel like a teenager with him.

I don't want a bunch of cyber boyfriends and that is what I have ended up with. I want an equal that knows the deal and wants to be with me for the sheer fun of it all.

So any thoughts or advice on any of this I would appreciate it. I am not looking to be slammed that I am cheating on my husband. My husband is very happy and I take very good care of him. This is a very private thing that is mine and I like it.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:49


block is your friend.
it may be considered "harsh" by some, but sometimes it's the only way people take a hint.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:50

How can you love someone you barely know on the internet? It doesn't make sense to me at all when people love each other when they haven't even met each other. Internet relationships are stupid and extremely unpredictable.

I had relationships and cybered on the internet before but it's boring. Why pay attention to that crap on the internet when you should be doing this stuff in the real world?

I even dated a girl that I met from the internet, met online, and met in person later, but it turned out to be some internet slut who just used me for the money.

Internet relationships and cybering is evil.

Cybering on the internet is not sex. All it is just masturbating to pleasure, it's no difference then just looking at porn on the internet, both are pretty much the same. If I wanted to get pleasure off the internet, I would be watching porn videos and staring at porn pictures, the hell with the cybering garbage.

I mean, cybering is so fake as hell. Cybering is no turn on for me.

Of course that is my opinion so don't take it personally. You should be paying more attention to your husband than the internet junk.

Although, the irony is, I'm sure your husband does the same thing while you're not around.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:50

Well...at the time then I was chatting more, I have met some people, and some seemed to be very interesting to talk to (never cybered though, it actually rather pisses me off then some random guys try to do that) And then it would get out of control, I would just distance myself from that person, mention that I ahd finals or soemthing that would keep me busy comping up and try not to talk to them much. Also away message is your friend, you can then just messege people that you want to messege. Changing your nick and email might help as well.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:50

Sorry, Greendale, but I hardly think this is "evil". What your post boils down to is that you don't like it. That's fine, but you should check out thetease13's signature,

"Just because it's not right for you, doesn't mean it isn't right for someone else."

That post came off sounding very judgmental. If you've read any of Tessie's other posts, you should know that she and her husband seem to have a great marriage. They seem to have a very open and honest relationship. So I don't think she's too worried on that front.

Oh, and I DO believe it's possible to "love" someone you've just met- or never met. Maybe not in the "I'll be with you forever" sense, but in the "I care about and want you to be happy" sense.

I'd just tell the guys you want to "dump" that your going to be very busy for a while and won't be talking to them. Maybe they'll take the hint, but if they don't then you don't have to feel bad about being more direct.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:51

I have never cybered before but I think that Oberon has a great idea. Either that or play dumb and say that your husband found out and that he wants this to end and that you marriage is important to you so you must end your cyber relationship. Not a total lie. BTW this new found fun is it just cybering or have you actually met him?
Tessie I really believe that your a sincere person and I hope that all works out.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:51

Well thanks for the replies guys. Even you Greendale. We are certainly all entitled to our own opinions.

I will say that I know people that have met and fallen in love on the internet. I have a friend that is very happily married and has a little girl and working on the second one. I know another couple from a message board that have met and fallen in love. They are the cutest couple. So it is possible.

I can accept that you might feel that cybering is evil. But relationships? I have some very dear friends that I chat with. Just because its through a computer screen doesnt make us any less real live people.

I would also say that masturbating with someone can very well be sex and it can be very satisfying too.

Thanks for your defense of me Oberon. I really don't get offended. I know myself very well and feel comfortable with the choices I make for myself.

Thanks to you too Duckie, that was very nice of you to say that I am a sincere person. I do like to think I am. I believe we are all complicated people and to put us in some kind of mold does a great injustice to our human nature.

I do love my husband and we do have a good marriage. But he just can't fulfill my every need. I live a very isolated life in that I work at home and rarely go anywhere. I have no friends really in person. That is why the internet is so good for people like me.

Cybering is just a very small part of who I am. And like I have said I have made mistakes doing it. And I am now working on a solution to fix it. But to stop it altogether is just not something I feel compelled to do right now.

Especially after I have just met someone that seems to understand this perfectly.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:51

yeah i met my b/f now on the internet.
we knew eachother online for like 3 yrs i guess. then after awhile decided to finally meet. he was a few states away so it wasn't too easy lol.
but now we live together and have been together for almost 3 years. so stranger things have happened.
and yeah ive got friends on here that i hope to have forever. they are just great people. sorry greendale if all you've had is bad experiences.
to tessie, yeah i had my days where i had a few "boyfriends" and it was hard to keep up w/ them all lol. i only cybered w/ a few of them my b/f included.
but it does suck when you sign on just to check your mail or something and are bombed w/ IMs and such.
i do use block a lot lol.
i have my screen name blocked so only a few people can see me and others if i want to talk to them i IM them.
id also sometimes create a special screen name for special people. like if i wanted to cyber or just chat w/ "so and so" and didn't want to be interuppted by ANYONE id have this special SN that no one knew about except him.
that usually worked.
hope this helps.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:51

Yeah I have several screen names too. I also stay invisible most the time. Problem with that is that they all know I am home. LOL

I am getting better in saying I am busy right now and can't chat. But the thing is too that I have an emotional bond with some and don't want to lose them I just need them to not think that I am here just for them only.

I guess it comes down to me having to just be very honest and if they get their feelings hurt well that is just the way its going to have to be.

Afterall things change and feelings change and sometimes it is just best to move on.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:51


Ok, I met my partner on AOL. Started with a 3-hour online chat, we met for drink...next thing you know we're watching the sun come up and i have to go to work in 3 hours! hahaha....8 years later, a beautiful home, 2 totally accepting groups of parents and even our kids from when we were married knwo and accept us for who we are - and it all started on the internet. So, as Tessie and others have said, YES it can work.

Now, as far as cyber sex, it can be as harmelss or dangerous as you make it.

I was never really a bit one for talkin dirty in an IM session (ie to get the person on the other end to get off to my typing), but with the advent of webcams i get the best of both worlds. I get to have camera cybersex.

Now, Tessie's issue is how does she kick the guys she no longer has an interest in to the curb without hurting them.
Well sweetie, you can just do your best. No matter what you say, they may still pursue you via email and IM's. If you are, as i belive you are, a very polite person, you're trying to "let them down easy." But just know u have to draw a line.


I'm sure that most of the boards (MSN, AOL, YAHOO, etc) have ways of you blocking or deleting emails.

You can also create a NEW ACCOUNT for the person(s) you want to continue chatting with on a more "intimate" basis...and that can help you keep things a bit more organized. Trust me, i have 4 accounts on AOL, 3 on Yahoo and several other sites...it can be done quite easily.

As far as your new "friend" all i can say is..BE CAREFUL. Internet chatting can be fun and a bit addictive...especially if you have the time to do it as often as you want.

The key thing is to be HONEST with yourself at all times. It's very easy to let the "fantasy" of intenet chat - and the living out of those fantasies with those people in real life meetings - undermine youre REALITY.

I say this because i have been on the internet for nearly 20 years. I have been on AOL for 12 years and was on BBS before AOL.

The risk is that the fun, sex and fantasy-fulfillment you get with your "cyber/f*** buddy" is NOT REAL LIFE. And the more you engage in that fantasy fulfillment the more "boring" your
real life can seem.

That in turn, can cause VERY BAD problems with your marriage.

My partner and I have had this happen WAY too many times...and so far it's NEVER ended good. Someone always gets hurt. We're just lucky (and determined) to always work at our relationship.

Remember, it takes 2 people to make a happy relationship - no relationship is perfect, but when you have a form of "open marriage" there does have to be some very clear rules. But emotions are wicked little demons. It's easy to say "Oh, i can separate sex from love"...but living it can be alot more daunting.

The only thing that kinda bothered me in your post was when you said [QUOTE=Quote ]I do love my husband and we do have a good marriage. But he just can't fulfill my every need.[/QUOTE].

Does he know what those needs are? Has he tried to fulfill them, is he totally comfortable letting another person fulfill those needs for you? Do you have any "rules" about when you meet this person, what he can and can't do, phone call limits, etc? I hope so.

Knowing that you can't "fullfill" ANY part of your partners needs (Physical, emotional, sexual, etc) can really hurt. I know i don't fulfill every need my partner has - and vice versa. We tried the "open relationship" for a bit and it just crashed and burned. WHy? Because the "3rd" was always there to be the provider of fulfillment..while the partner was always the one standing in the way of getting that fulfillment whenever the other wanted it. It's a risky cycle of emotions, sex and insecurities.

For example, i'm sexually versitle...my partner is sexually a "bottom".....that means he likes me to f*** him..but he's not really into f***ing me (or anyone else that much eitehr). So, i could easily say, "Honey, i'm going to CHIRS SMITH's for an hour, i realy need to get fucked." ...or worse....do it behind his back - even if i had permission to do that.

We tried this and while it worked at first, within a few weeks, the "3rd" guy wanted to play more, or wanted to go on a trip with my hubby - basically wanted more time with him - even tho he knew that he was married. This has caused SOO much problems with us..that now we only play as a couple ......and that means haveing to ACCEPT the fact that my partner may not meet ALL of my needs...but we both work at that too now!

Just my insight, Tessie. I know it works for some..so i can't say it won't work for you...just giving u some perspective.

Now, i'm not raining on anyone's parade here, i'm jsut saying there HAVE TO BE RULES AND LIMITS.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:52

Thanks for the response Bob. I appreciate it coming from someone that knows about this sort of thing.

Now to clarify my statement of my husband not fulfilling my needs. I was refering to my chat needs. I am a major talker and he isn't.

He is fully of aware that I have many chat buddies and even that I flirt with some. He doesn't know that I engage in cyber sex however.

Now I could tell him and he would be cool with that if he knew. But I don't want him to know everything I do. For the simple reason that then it becomes me trying to turn him on and believe me he gets enough.

I hear you about watching my feelings when it comes to fantasy and reality. Should I say been there done that. The good thing about me is that I am also very practical.

I can have some wild fantasy of this great guy coming to sweep me off my feet and take me away from the drudgery of my life to some cabin in the woods and making love to me for hours. But then what. I am old enough and wise enough to know that the new and exciting love quickly fades and then you are right back to real life living.

No that won't ever happen with me. I am to realistic for that. Plus I am commited to my family and would not break up my childs home for anyone. Epecially for me and my desires.

My new guy knows this all and is right on board with me. We have agreed that when need be we will give each other reality checks. But I don't feel that will be needed because I am like I said a realist and I believe he is too. We are just looking for some safe, harmless fun that won't hurt anyone else.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:52

COOL BEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the clarification..that makes it much clearer!

I say, enjoy the cyber fun...have u gone on cam with him or more IM/emails?


Posted: 01 Oct 22:52

That's a great post Tessie, and I agree with you now that there is nothing wrong with cybering on the internet whether you're married or not. There are many married women who cyber on the internet just for pure fun. I guess married women do this because they are bored when their husband is not around.

But I'm pretty sure your husband has some private fantasies that you don't even know about. Everyone has private fantasies that they keep for themselves.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:53

Very nice post, Greendale.

I want to apologize if I came across like a Catholic school nun with a ruler. I think I had a knee jerk reaction to the idea that someone was being judged.

As long as no one is being hurt, I usually don't have a problem with people doing pretty much as they like. And if I disagree with what they are doing, then I disagree for myself not for them- I'll state why I wouldn't do thus and so.

Anyway, glad you had a change of heart. It thought you were too openminded to stick to that stance.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:53

Now is this thread proof that sometimes we should all...

Well, maybe not "all" - but at least "most" (meaning those who want to and will play well with others).

...get naked and not take some things too seriously?

Sometimes a smashing orgasm puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?

Fantasy can be reality -- if only for that moment.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:54

Great idea, WallyLlama. ORGASMS for everyone!!!


Posted: 01 Oct 22:54

Aren't orgasms just the best thing that can happen to the human body?

Yesterday my cyber guy(the new one that is so amazing). Well I turned on the cam and had not one but two. I am still a little giddy over the whole thing. I have never let myself go like I did. And now I can't wait to do it again.

On a down note I also broke things off with someone that I really did think of was a good friend and occasional cyber buddie. He just was to serious and couldn't keep things in perpective. Unfortunately things turned a little ugly. He said some very unkind things that I know in my heart I didn't deserve at all. But if it makes him feel better then more power to him. I am actually relieved and a little sad.

But, life moves on and now I have more time to spend with that certain someone that I like so much. The e-mail I got this morning was truly amazing.


Posted: 01 Oct 22:54

Hi Tess, quite an interesting thread you have here!!

Ok, I'm pretty new to all this 'cybering' stuff, which I assume is a metaphor for webcam sex between on-line partners, although it's certainly intriguing!

I mean, whoda thunk the inventor of ADSL (high-speed internet), possibly a bespectacled nerd, would be responsible for thousands of gallons of semen/vaginal fluid being released into the atmosphere?

Anyway, giggles over, I'll address the topic. Anyway, I think the key to breaking off a relationship of any kind is to do so in the most ego-friendly manner possible, which means making sure he/she understands ;

1) your reasons;

2) he/she isn't at fault for his/her own shortcomings, the ones that caused the breakup - this is CRUCIAL for clingy types;

3) how he/she can work on making good those shortcomings;

4) that you'll miss him/her for the positive attributes X, Y and Z, and which of those is hard to find in most people;

5) that if he/she genuinely works on those shortcomings, that he/she'll find no problem finding someone "different, but just as good!"

6) that although your decision isn't changeable, and the block IS going on, it isn't one that makes you happy.

Within the above constraints, I think a little ruthlessness is not a bad thing. Feel relief, not sadness, when you click 'Block', or however it works.

Now, as for being in love, I think what's happening HERE is that love is being confused for infatuation. I think it's perfectly possible to become infatuated with a person for his/her mind only, and words on a screen, just as it's possible for me (and I speak from experience) to become infatuated with a woman just by the way she looks/walks/smiles etc, without even hearing her voice.

Tess, despite your claims/complaints to the contrary, I find you a very worldly woman with a great deal of inner wisdom. Ok, perhaps you're not as well-travelled as you wish you had the time for, but nonetheless you have your head tightly screwed on, and it's perhaps this that led those guys to be so taken with you. You're quite a catch, intellectually speaking, and I would consider myself a lucky puppy if I found a girl with half your brains!

Chatting, while not literally addictive for the vast majority of people, is indeed a compelling activity, and I think it's a fantastic one - WHEN kept reasonable. Because of the breathtaking liberation of finally opening up to different people on, quite literally, any topic, it is so easy to become caught up in it. I mean, before the internet, who the heck could you discuss your fetishes with in the comfort of your own home?

But when it starts to decrease the quality of your work/relationships/life etc, it's time to rein in again.

There should be balance in all things. Grasshopper.


(Zen master and tutor of Feng Shui at 50 per hour, group discounts available, book early to avoid disappointment!)


Posted: 01 Oct 22:55

Wow I just reread this thread again. Its been awhile since I wrote it. I appreciate the new post that have been added. Cybering is still an interesting topic to me.

I am still with the same man I mentioned in my first post and things are great. I allow myself to have feelings for him and my mind to fantasize away. I still stick to the fact that I am one of the most practical people I know and I keep my life in balance or at least I try to.

Sonata couldn't agree more that its important to have someone that knows how to type and turn you on. If done right and believe me it can be. You can get much more out of then just in the mood.

dragontears it can be very addicting. Chatting with people about any topic that comes up and meeting people you would never meet in real life is very exciting and can be very satisfying also. But it must be kept in perpective and must not hurt your relationship at home.

My hubsand was jealous of my on line life for awhile. But now he has his own chat buddies and one woman that he is having lots of fun with. That sort of thing does take lots of trust and both must be in agreement.

Hi Jaybee, I imagine there are lots of people that would like to hug that bespectacled nerd for bringing so much fun into the homes of the lonely or seekers of a good time.

Good advice on how to end a relationship. I agree that doing it in the most kind and direct manner is the best.

I also agree with what you say about love. It is possible if both are single and seeking the same thing. But if chatting/cybering is just for fun then the feelings must be kept in check.

I love my cyber guy very much. I love everything he gives me when we are together. But that is the secret. I don't expect or necessarily want anything more then that. It's when the rules get changed by one of the players that things can go wrong.

In closing thank you very much for saying such nice words about me. I have lately been feeling like a fool for something I have allowed to happen and its a great ego booster to hear that I have my head on right. I just got to keep it that way. LOL. *Tessie blushing now*


Posted: 01 Oct 22:55

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