Short Term Relationship While Out Of Town? [m]
My wife and I are very happily married. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. I've had to go out of state for a job. The job is less than two months. It is not practical for her to visit with our four year old. It would be very hard on them to travel 400 miles and stay so far from their life. My wife has a group of friends with children about the same age as my son. There would be no other children for him to interact with. My wife and son have traveled to a job that was half the distance before. The job is six 12 hour days. So other than one one day off, they only get a couple hours in the evening. With a seven to eight hour drive with a four year old in the backseat, it would be very selfish of me to ask them to go through that ordeal for me.
I'm a very sexual guy. While this causes occasional fiction in my marriage, we are very happy. Our relationship has grown to the point that we both feel very safe in the relationship. A couple of weeks before I left she said to me that she feels secure enough in our relationship, that if I wanted to have a short term relationship with another woman while away, she could live with that. To me that action (or actually allowing me to take that action) says that she loves and trusts me in a way that words can not express, which makes me love her even more. She quipped that she is not ready for an open marriage, but is allowing this period of an "open marriage" while I am away. She has been very clear with me about what that entails and I would respect her wishes. She teased me just before I left that she didn't have the same permission. I told her what is good for the Goose is good for the Gander. If she wanted to experience someone else while I was gone she could. She said that she didn't have any interest, but really appreciated that there wasn't a double standard.
Most of the women on dating sites that I have seen are looking for "love of their life"/long term relationship. I don't want to lie to get dates, so a dating site doesn't seem appropriate. I tried Craigs List under "casual encounters" both relying to ads from what was supposed to be women and I also posted an ad. The ads that were supposed to be from women seem to be scams/spammers. My ad got 10 responses. Nine were scam/spammers (I asked that the respondents put their favorite color in the subject line. Also these responses didn't seem to relate to my ad or the questions I asked in the ad. Half of them listed links to another ad. Only one response had a color in the subject line. I had written that I would send a picture for a picture. I got no picture in the response but I sent my picture anyway. I got another response back asking if 30 minutes was too far to travel and again no picture. I say traveling 30 minutes was not a problem, but I would like a picture. We'll see if I get another response. For all I know it is a 14 year old boy writing me just to mess with me. There are a bunch of "hook up" sites like fling.com and adult friend finder.com. Most of the reviews on line claim there is next to nothing for women on the sites and there has been issues with a paid member "violating the rules" after they have paid and kicked off the site without any explanation.
Given my circumstances, do any of you have a suggestion. Just spending time chatting would be nice. While I have had a couple of one night stands in my life, I tend to need some connection to someone to be intimate. But having a physical connection would be nice. I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't be exciting to experience another woman after 10 years with my wife. I don't want to deceive someone that is looking for a LTR when I am not. I could not emotionally handle paying for attention. So what do you think?
scottinthegrove
Replies:
KEEP YOUR PANTS UP and zipped. Tough it out. I was in the Army and stationed half a world away for over two years at a time when I had married my college sweetheart while waiting for my "marching orders". I spent many months at a time before being able to visit her. We were all in the same situation.
Gee, I'm sorry you will be away from her for a few days! Do you believe she will step out on you while 400 miles away? I understand, some guys have high sex drives--well! that is what masturbation and imaginations are for, among other reasons.
Look into using SKYPE and keep in touch via the internet. Think about all the soldiers who are stationed overseas in strange and dangerous countries, often for several years and/or several deployments.
Your story just irritates me to no end. It's not all about you. If you value your relationship and your family, you will not ever take care you your urges by cheating.
Grumph
-doc
dancingdoc2
I'm sorry that my post "irritates" you to no end. My understanding is that "cheating" is doing something that your partner has not authorized. My partner has said that it would be acceptable to her if we "opened" our marriage during this time. That was her suggestion, not my request. My wife hates the phone and is not comfortable with being sexual on the phone or skype. Since this was her suggestion, I don't see how it could be considered cheating.
While I very much appreciate your service and that of others, I was asking a question about the setting up of a short term relationship not how to cheat. I have worked in this same location for about the same duration three other times. She did not suggest that I find a short term relationship until now. I have never considered doing anything outside our marriage. If my wife wanted to be intimate with another (man or woman because she is bi) during this time she has my permission. As I have seen on many threads the opening of a marriage is not for everyone. Whether I have relations with someone else or not, I love her even more because she offered this permission.
Doc, you are a very long term member of this board and I very much appreciate your service here. While I don't post very often, I have mentioned this board and highly recommended it to others. I don't not appreciate you yelling (all caps) and trying to shame me. While you have handled a similar situation differently (because I would imagine your relationship has a different dynamic), I don't see how judging others and trying to shame them will help them to hear your opinion.
scottinthegrove
Comments noted. Thank you.
Why didn't you bring up your wife's suggestion in the first post? This changes the entire dynamic. I'm not a mind reader.... Although she has given per OK for an open relationship during your less that 60 days away, I still stand by my original position as one man to another.
dancingdoc2
Relaxing. Working 12 hour days takes its toll more than you might imagine. You may not be up for it as much as you now think you might. Please note that I am taking you at your word that your wife has given you her permission.
I am not going to judge you. I'm sure your wife gave you the rules. Abide by them. Make completely sure that she will not be embarassed by having anything that might occur become public later. She is your WIFE, sir - behave accordingly.
But do not go 'hunting' for sex. Relax and if it happens, ok; if not, that's ok too - being desperate is bad news.
EvilEvilKitten
I Understand What I'm Looking For Is Unusual
Two weeks ago, I left a similar job were I was home every night. When I started the job in July many days it was 110-115 degrees F. I would leave home very early and return home 13 or 14 hours later. I still wanted daily physical intimacy. That didn't always happen. As stated above, I'm very familiar with the demands of the job.
I have never been in this emotional place before. I want to be honest with potential partners. I'm not looking to find someone to move in with. Having someone to share a meal with or chat with would be great. Occasional sex would be a big plus. But the typical dating site tends to have women that are looking for "the love of their live". It would be wrong to pretend I'm something I'm not. I tried craigs list but all I seem to get in response is scammers/spammers misrepresenting who they are.
I don't feel that I'm desperate. But it seems what I'm looking for is beyond the scope of most dating/personal ad sites. My wife is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. I would never do anything to jeopardize that. EEK, my wife knows this site and is familiar with your username.
Sorry I didn't think to say it was her suggestion. She gave me permission. Whether it was her suggestion or mine, from my perspective, it is more important that she approves of opening the marriage. If I suggested opening our marriage and she did agree, that would be the important factor. At least in my marriage, she can suggest or I can suggest anything we would like. But what we actually agree to are the rules to live by.
scottinthegrove
Unfortunately, Finding a 'friend' in such a short period of time will be difficult - you're not female & that's just how it is. But it can be done. You have to talk with women while oozing calm quiet confidence and be inviting without making passes. Let her make the move. Make no secret of your status and don't go for crazy or soul-mate seekers. If you can find the local Lifestyle/Swing group - hang out with them. Then there's electing to be cougar meat, I suppose, which may not be as dismal as it might sound - I wouldn't know. Nevertheless: good luck and say hi to your wife for me.
EvilEvilKitten