Forums » Married » At 63, I'm [f] not into sex anymore...

OP: At 63, I'm [f] not into sex anymore...

I hope someone has some ideas, but I don’t know if this will make sense without some background…

I’m 63 and I’ve been married for close to 30 years to a great and understanding guy. In the last few years, though, I find it hard to get into a lovemaking mood. I understand it’s not uncommon with women my age, but my situation is more complex. Still, maybe someone has some insight.

As background, I had a very sexually repressed upbringing, and on top of that, before I was even a pre-teenager I had medical problems that left me without a pituitary gland (the pituitary drives most of the body’s hormones, including the ones for puberty and menstruation). Docs put me on various hormones for life, and at 13, did their best to add right doses of estrogen and others so I’d have periods, etc., but my genitals never fully developed. I learned the ins'n'outs about sex in real-time, so to speak, and was fortunate to gain a “healthy” attitude about it, but – probably because of my upbringing – I’ve never really been the one to initiate. Even now, my husband “makes the first move”, but he could always seduce me!

Our sex is fulfilling for him (so he assures me), and we do perform mutual foreplay, but pleasuring him is something I do for him: I don’t find it objectionable, but exciting him, just doesn’t excite me – those parochial parents, I guess. That is something that he lovingly accepts, by the way. For him, he’s crazy about pleasuring me because it’s always taken a long time for me to orgasm; probably because of the underdevelopment.

Meanwhile, when I was about 50, the docs took me off the female hormones to sort of “induce” menopause. I did start to (and still do) use Premarin cream, and that keeps intercourse comfortable, but it became even harder to orgasm than it had been before stopping the female hormones. And in the last year or two, stimulation feels good, but just never climaxes, and that’s really disappointing. With some serious sole-searching, I realize that the reason I’m not getting into that mood is NOT because I’m disinterested, but because I don’t want to deal with the disappointment. BTW, we both have some mild disabilities that make us unable to be that spontaneous, so we do have 2 scheduled evenings each week. I DON’T think that’s getting in my way, but it does give me the opportunity to procrastinate.

On a slightly positive note, a couple of months ago, and at my husband’s suggestion, I talked to my doc about HSDD (Hypo Sexual Desire Disorder). She prescribed a compounded testosterone transdermal cream that I started using right away. It still takes some time, but I am able to climax again.

I hope I haven’t lost you – I tried to make something really detailed, really short, but as you can see there are many influences. Anyway, I’m hoping that someone out there has some insights or suggestions as to what I can do to change my mind set in the hours before our “encounters”.

If you need more details of my history to finalize your thought, by all means, add a post and I’ll respond.

I know, Whew! But Thanks,

KLSR

Posted: 05 Oct 07:55

Replies:

It can get difficult
Women are just as prone to 'sexual boredom', if you will, as are men. Even women without your physical problems and upbringing experience this malaise. Most become resigned, some resort to 'consensual adultery' (swinging) and some just go out and get sex elsewhere without the consent of their spouse. While you might try any of the above in your pursuit of desire, I don't recommend that you do. I recommend that you keep after a physical solution with your doctor while trying The Program, found elsewhere within this forum - see the Index, with your spouse. Good luck to you, dear!

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 07:55


I am 64; my wife is 60. We have been married 39 years.

We last had intercourse about 12 years ago. About 4 years ago, we took a cruise with my daughter and her husband. I was massaging my wife's clit and had her on the verge of orgasm when our daughter climbed over the balcony divider to come in our room. Other than that, we have not engaged in any sexual activity for the last 12 years ago.

To be honest, our sex life was never that good. I can remember long stretches when we were young when there would be no sexual activity (the longest was seven months - I am not talking about a few days.) One of our sources of frequent spats was that my wife simply married me because she needed a sperm donor.

In the interest of full disclosure, about fourteen years ago I had an extra-marital affair which my wife discovered. We were able to save the marriage. Frankly, I think one of the main reasons the marriage was saved was the answer I gave to our marriage counselor to the first question he asked my wife. His question to my wife was, "How much of the responsibility do you think you bear for your husband's affair." I would not let her answer the question. I told the counselor that my wife bore 0% responsibility for the affair - that is was my decision and I was solely responsible for that decision. If he wanted to ask my wife what part of the responsibility my wife bore for problems in our marriage I would let her answer the question because no one persons is solely responsible for problems in a marriage.

Recently, I have tried rekindling the old flame. No matter what I do it meets with rejection. "Do you want to go to a movie?" "No, there is really nothing I want to see", etc. "You know I don't feel romantic when I first wake up." "You know I am unable to wake up in the middle of the night (except to get up and go pee!)" "I am so tired when I go to bed."

I would love to take my wife to a "toy" store and shop for something really naughty, but my wife would think that was so sinful. (We are both Catholic - so all we have to do is "sin up a storm" and go to confession! LOL)

The male ego is a fragile thing and, frankly, I have just about reached the point where I can take no more rejection and am going to chalk it up to a lost cause. Losing that part of my marriage, however, is really depressing me.

Any suggestions before I throw in the towel (on the idea of ever again enjoying sex in marriage - I could never throw in the towel on the marriage - I love her too much)? (BTW, do I get notified of responses by email.)

The Mouthpiece

Posted: 05 Oct 08:20


You need to relax and think things thru..! Try date night, when your home together, walk into the kitchen look around and tell her., " Why don't we go out and eat tonight", before she can say no! lets try....name her food that she enjoys or her place that she likes to go. Just talk about things so that she is comfortable with the topic. After 39 years you should know her likes and dislikes, just get things moving along. The two of you may need some time with a counselor, etc...that is a question that you will have to answer for yourself.
If you want to go to a "toy store " do it, why not ? As long as it's an item that she is comfortable with you never know. My wife of 38 yrs has a " toy box ", for those desires that hit when I'm not home, due to my work demands. Forget the confession, go find something really naughty, being sinfull could be a lot of fun.

Studmuffin

Posted: 05 Oct 08:21


You are married for so long and you can't even talk without it sounding like you are starting over from scratch?

I can't say I know what the right approach is but if you need to date at that stage it doesn't give much hope for the rest of us...

Step 1: I would give advice but I realized a crucial piece of information is needed to do that accurately: What is your wife like? What turns her on? What kind of activities is she into and so on... I think before anything else you need to realize the answers to these questions.
Step 2: In respect to the answers to the above, think about all the times where it did work and you were both sexual, why did it work for her then and what changed?

If all else fails just talk to her about sex :P and when she looks at you funny maybe even show her this site and its Advices(and sex position guides :P) if nothing else it would at least make for a good laugh which is a good icebreaker, just don't be awkward about it.

If the affair is in the way just do yourself a favor and go to the councilor again and this time hear her side of things before rushing to protect her because even if you disagree its still important to understand her.

Male Apprentice

Posted: 05 Oct 08:21


Think of her situation. She has all of that Catholic "anti-sex & be a good girl" stuff hammered into her as a child. Then she gets married and finds it difficult to enjoy what she's been previously told to not enjoy - "only for procreation". Her husband has an affair - FOR FUN. She's been denied FUN for her entire life, as far as she's concerned she's been robbed of her birthright and you have the damn gall to complain that YOUR ego has taken a beating?!?!?

Yes, it was good of you to step up and absolve her of responsibility for your affair but just asking the question was enough to load her with guilt. Oh, she might say she doesn't feel guilty, but women lie about their inner most feelings in an effort to protect themselves and/or those they care about. The truth is that you betrayed her once and she feels guilty about it and responsible for it and she's unwilling to risk anything of the sort from ever happening again.

This is why she doesn't want to go to the movies or whatever. She's protecting herself and however misguided it may seem to you, she has every right to do so. She may say she's forgiven you but, yes, that's another lie - see above. Sorry, dude, but you screwed yourself. I am telling you this so that you can begin to do something about it. Until you completely understand her point of view, nothing will change and the first thing that needs to go is what got you into this mess in the first place - your ego.

Step one is to pay attention to what she actually does. Do you get kissed? Do you get hugged? Is there laughter in your house? Does she actually like you and SHOWS, not says, that she likes you by, for example cooking the foods she knows you like and so forth? Is she happily unaffectedly chatty around you? Does she watch your TV shows with you? If so, good, you have a chance. If not, anything you try is doomed to failure. You must achieve step one before we can go ny further because you must be LIKED before you can be LOVED.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 08:21




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