OP: Lacking Confidence

First, your low self confidence and low self esteem in your abilities is being broadcast and it is affecting your sex life. If you feel like a "loser" climbing into bed, you will be a loser in bed and she senses this and this makes it much more difficult for her to enjoy it. So first thing...change your attitude NOW.

Secondly, why not simply ask her what you can do to please her...or "what MORE can I do for you?"

Often, after my wife has an orgasm I'll smile at her and say something like, "mmm...I liked that...is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable (enjoyable, intense, etc.) for you?"

Now a word of caution...you don't want to make this appear to be some sort of contest or seem to be pressuring her to have a better orgasm every time. So ask her every so often, but not every time you have sex.

Also understand that she may not orgasm every time but that doesn't necessarily mean she didn't enjoy the sex. I had a lover once who could only orgasm via oral sex. However during one of our first encounters she reached an orgasm via intercourse. It was an awesome feeling her spasm with me inside her but apparently it was a very rare occurrence for her. Afterward, as we were lying wrapped up with each other, she warned me not to expect that every time (which I appreciated her for communicating that to me but also saw it as a defeatist attitude).

The biggest thing is communication; ask and make her feel comfortable with telling you what she needs or wants.

Continued success

TheDon

Posted: 23 Sep 07:54

What happens during the week? Do you have days when you feel good about yourself and your accomplishments and other days when you doubt yourself and your abilities?

Confidence comes from knowing that you can and do a credible task or other undertaking and have accomplished it before.

Confidence comes from building upon small successes and adding to them.

Confidence can be ruined by questioning your abilities--so don't. There is no reason to if you have a positive track record.

Confidence is built from the ground up by undertaking some task and planning it out and then successfully accomplishing it. Like a notch in a gun stock, you just keep on keeping on adding more and more successes.

What if you fail? This is usually not a big deal. Learn from your mistakes and correct your actions or plan next time. There is no reason to be hard on yourself or self critical. Loosen up.

Give all this a try and report back.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 23 Sep 07:54

I know I can do an amazing job at pleasing her, I've done it far more than I've disappointed her. It just seems like there are times when I do an "above-average job." When I do, it seems like I'm not even thinking about it, which leads me to believe that I over-think things when I should be enjoying myself.

I don't know what I could do to get in this "zone." Is it confidence, or is it my inability to let go like I do sometimes?

bWg

Posted: 23 Sep 07:54

bWg,

First know that what is affecting you affects others as well. We've all experienced "performance anxiety" which has sidelined us for day, weeks, or even months depending on the incident. So in that respect there is nothing unusual about you.

I do or have done a couple of things to help me through those times. One is try using humor. I have this line I told my wife when I met her and I've used it on others in the past. I would tell them "you can point and you can laugh, but you can't point and laugh." That usually breaks the ice the first time. It lets your partner know that you're okay with your body or size. And it relaxes them as well.

Try just relaxing and not being so serious and stop worrying about getting into "the zone". That stuff works in sports and in combat but not so much in the bedroom. Women aren't much interested in a point system. In my line of work (and you may guess by my nickname) I don't joke around much. I am a completely different person when I'm away from work. And sure there are times when personal issues like finances or the kids may challenge your behavior, but when the wife and I have our time, it's our time. I block the other stuff out and focus on her. I don't force anything. If I'm unable to get an erection because of mental challenges, I simply tell her tonight it's about her. You'd be surprised at how many women would rather you tell them what's going on with you and cuddle with them rather than you try to prove your manhood to them.

Another things is foreplay. Most guys think that this begins when we first turn the lights off. It should begin when you wake up in the morning and continue throughout the day. Try this, next time a particular event is bothering you, take a moment and text your mate with something like "been thinking about you. Can't wait to hold you later." Chances are you will receive a reply that will take your mind off of your dilemma. My wife and I still hold hands walking in the store. I'll playfully grab her butt on occasion when we're in public. Sometimes we will play with each other while watching television - obviously when the kids are away - and we kiss often.

One last thing I would offer you is hypnosis. Now you have to understand how it works and believe that it will help you. No you won't do weird stuff you don't want to do. But if done properly it will calm your mind, help you get some perspective on things, and can relax your entire body. I use hypnosis and brain entrainment pretty extensively for studying, memory enhancement, relaxation, exercise, and lately I've been studying the effects of erotic hypnosis as it relates to ED, sexual enhancement and other issues.

So those are just a couple of ideas. I hope they helped.

TheDon

Posted: 23 Sep 07:55

I'm not a male, but I DO do the over-thinking thing at times. I have such a goal to 'knock him out', I used to research maneuvers and try in the moment to remember just how to play them out. Until finally one day he told me that the stuff I was the best at was the stuff I dreamed up in the moment. That what he liked the most was when I just relax and go for it. That's almost verbatim what he said. Putting too much 'brain' into it can keep you from relaxing into it and enjoying it. I agree with Doc. Have faith in the track record you obviously have, and don't let less-than-fantastic moments bug you.

lnt1103

Posted: 23 Sep 07:55