Ok, so I have always been a little intrigued, and more that a little excited, by the thought of totally giving myself over to or totally controlling my partner. Although I had never tried it, in the very early stages, of my current relationship (I was 17 he was 21) I gave my sweetie a basket of "toys" for valentines day. Leashes, whips, leather outfits... It didn't go over too well. We had only been together for a year, and only been having sex for a few months. Frankly, I think I scared the S**t out of him.
That was almost a decade ago. Lately, I have been more open about things in the bedroom department, and he has been extremely accommodating. I'm thinking this might be a good time to bring it up again, but I think I went about it the wrong way the first time. So, before I start installing eye-hooks into my bedroom floor (lol) I thought I might ask you folks for your advise on the subject.
I have a ton of questions, but first I need to determine if I should even bring it up. I don't want to end up looking like a freak. What do you think?
Alexandra
Posted: 04 Oct 02:27
Freak? No, I think it's perfectly fine. I do little S&M, so I'm not the person to ask. I think EEKitten will help you best in this :) But start with some nice cuffs, and surrendering to him. That may help a bit. And be nude of course LOL :D
alban lusitanae
Posted: 04 Oct 02:27
I did the nude thing, he said: He didn't mind... Well thanks. lol, but he had his hands ALL over instead of just on my ass and boobies.
Thing is, I'm not so sure that I should be the one "surrendering". Honestly most aspects of our relationship are extremely equal. How do you tell who should be the "top" so to speak. I make more decisions, for us, but he seems to be more in control of sex than me. :confused:
Alexandra
Posted: 04 Oct 02:28
How can you tell? Simple. Sex in not about equality, it's about pleasure and respect. No master is disrespectful of his/her submissive. Pleasure is key. See who likes to be the submisse.
But to answer your question, sometimes people with large responsabilities (executives, bosses) like to be the submissive part. ;)
Just ask yourself: would you like to surrender yourself to him or dominate him?
alban lusitanae
Posted: 04 Oct 02:28
My suggestion:
Try both of you in both roles. :D Its possible for both people to share the roles:
My fiancée is very dominant, and so am I, both sexually and personality wise. Generally he ends up "ontop" so to speak, mostly because hes stronger then I am :( lol. I secretly love when he overpowers me...but fairly regularly I get a huge dom urge, and sometimes he gives in to me :p.
curious_woman
Posted: 04 Oct 02:28
I'm mostly submissive, but most of my relationships have been with submissive men as well... so I compromise. I switch.
As to broaching the subject... broach it like any other topic that you think he MAY balk on. For me, my usual maneuver is to try to say it's a fantasy of mine, ask him if he'd like it. And start slow... You don't need to be tying your lover to the ceiling with silk ropes (btw, you can buy similar stuff from walmart or at a fabric store by the yard MUCH cheaper than the stuff bought at the pornstore, and it's just as durable, and in more colors, too. I'm a frugal sub) and beating them with a leather strop (or belt... older/wellworn will leave less welts have less sting but more smack value), instead try simple ties to the headboard and your hand, or teaseplay...mmm.teasplay.
D/s and S&M is about trust. If you don't trust your partner, it can be scary. Always have safewords. If you tie someone up, ALWAYS have safety scissors in case of emergency. Use precaution. and have fun. :D
koikana
Posted: 04 Oct 02:29
How to bring the subject up:
1. walk around the house wearing only a pair of black stiletto-heeled pumps.
2. put a man-sized collar on the coffee table next to the remote control.
3. straddle him, when he's sitting on the sofa, facing him and kiss him while you slide the collar around his neck. Then say "come with me."
Take the man to bed and do whatever you want to with him for as long as you want to. It is the attitude that will count here. Use the female superior position. Have him crouch down to do cunnilingus. Always have your head further from the floor than his. Give him directions.
You do not have to find a sex shop for the collar - just go to a pet store that stocks leather collars for large dogs -PetsMart- and look in the Rottwheiler section. You can even get a tag engraved with his name on it!
EvilEvilKitten
Posted: 04 Oct 02:29
man...I don't understand life. I read all these different post about women like alexandra that are interested in s&m but have partners that run the opposite way when the interested is shared. I would LOVE it if my wife got me a basket full of toys and gave me orders to screw the swing hooks in our bedroom. I would probadly turn it into a contractor & housewife role game! But unfortunately...shes not. My advice to you is to travel back in a place of time when we both were single, give me a chance to sweep you feet, marry me and spend the rest of our lives locked in the bedroom! nah j/k. I have gotten some advances w/ my wife by just talking to her about it. sometimes it works, but bottom line is just continue to love you guy.
sheismyoasis
Posted: 04 Oct 02:30
While S&M might not be for everyone I would recommend that everyone at least try a little at least once in your life. At my house we do S&M about every 2 months or so. A similar kink, often confused with S&M is B&D(Bondage and Discipline). When you get past the chains and rope and other restraints, which make sex pretty darn exciting, B&D lends itself to lots of role playing of the boss-employee, student-teacher, master-slave sort. The discipline usually includes corporal "punishment". When we skip straight to the caning, spanking, whipping, etc. just because that one particular thing is what turns us on I consider that more the realm of B&D. There are plenty other ways to combine pain and sex.
Many people get the mistaken idea that S&M is about domination and submission; a practice based on control or something enigmatic called "power exchange." These people will often tell you that S&M is not even about sex. A major problem with this particular approach to S&M is that people get locked into the role of dominant or submissive and allow it to influence their lives adversley: thinking that because they are "dominant" or "submissive" there are certain things that they are not allowed to do or to enjoy. My personal advice is to try both sides and if you decide that you prefer being a submissive go for it. Just don't shortchange yourself.
As someone else already stated- sex is not about control. I would go so far to say that sex is about losong control. Of course if you are inflicting pain on someone during foreplay or coitus you want have have to exercise some self control so you don't actually injure your partner!
in recent years the inclusion of B&D and S&M practices in our sexlife has improved our sex life and married life in general. I say go for it.
Here is a link to a massive sex ed site which has quite a bit of info by real life S&Mers, as opposed to online S&Mers who in my opinion should not be allowed to opine.
Best wishes,
dlb
Posted: 04 Oct 02:30
