OP: Caught him masturbating - Just gutted

I hope I'm in the right section, as I'd like to think 2 and a half years is classed as a long term relationship. I just need help and advice before I do something I'm really going to regret.

The other day, I was laying downstairs with my boyfriend watching TV when I fell asleep. I woke up around an hour later, to realise he wasn't there. Deciding I should probably just go to bed, I made my way upstairs to find him masterbating on our bed, whilst on his laptop. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out what he's doing there. When I walk in the door, he shuts his laptop, hides himself under the covers and claims "I was just checking my email".

After about 10 minutes of feeling really annoyed, I confront him and ask him why he lied to me. He admits it, but doesn't think there's a problem! Now, this really upset me as the thought of him watching other girls naked and having sex makes me feel someone cheated on. I know it's usual for a guy to masterbate, but after nearly 3 years of being with someone, do I really mean that little to him?

The worse thing is our sex life is rather...dead. I feel like I'm always coming onto him, but he's just not interested. When I asked him why, he said I wasn't very enthusiastic. Fair enough, I may not be screaming with pleasure like the girls in the porn he watches, but I feel like he has a completely unrealistic view of how sex should be. He was my first, but I wasn't his. He was a lot more experienced when we got together, but I feel like I'm being punished for that. When I say anything, he just has this 'I'm going to do it anyway as I'm being myself' attitude.

What can I do? :(

Justanormalgirl

Posted: 06 Oct 23:47

Replies:

What is the big deal he masturbated to porn? Think he is the only one? If this is going to annoy you, staying away from men might be your best option. Now of you sex needs to repaired, you both have to want to do it. It's done through talking and communication. He needs to know porn is not real & your attitude towards sex is not so great. Get your lives back...why sleep on the couch? And not go up to bed & have some fun?

So you break up with him? Going to divorce your husband when he watches porn?

sera300

Posted: 06 Oct 23:48


Seriously...wow...big deal he was masturbating...maybe he didnt wanna wake you up....

Perhpaps he does have a problem with masturbating too much so his sex drive is gone...the only thing you can do is to take him to counseling...

Ducy

Posted: 06 Oct 23:48


The expression a second class shag is better than a first class wank comes to mind. Not that I'm calling you a second class shag.

You don't seem to be buying into to the whole masturbation is perfectly normal line, and good for you. Masturbation is a lonely lazy act and the idea that he'd masturbate at a time when he's not satisfying you in bed is pretty self centred and selfish of him.

There's this whole line of psycho babble floating around these days that everything sexual is perfectly healthy and everybody should indulge in instant gratification. This line of thought would classify you as a prude for daring to question your bf's antics.

If you're in a relationship both partners have obligations to the other. Sex is just one of these but it is important, it might be slightly different if you weren't willing to have sex, but you aren't, you're making the effort and he's not. It just apathy and laziness that has him wanking instead of engaging with you through sex like he should.

Don't let him get away with it

sarah_rsl

Posted: 06 Oct 23:49


Wait wait wait....obligation? No sex is NEVER an obligation...sex is something both people need to want first...if its an obligation then a man could go out with a girl...ask her to be his girlfriend and then rape her and say....well it was an obligation we were a couple and she is obligated to have sex with me.......the fact of masturbating is not lazy or selfish....I mean...when I started having sex, I never finished....so I masturbated...did it piss my girlfriend off...no...she was a bit sad that I couldnt finish from having sex(used to my hand and not a vagina so yea) but she liked that I would still get off...It is also not a lonely act...I have masturbated tons of times with my girlfriend....nothing lonely about that.

I forget who said it best, but it was in the thread "offensive masturbation situation" or something along those lines...Guys need to ejaculate...to maintain a healthy prostate...and at least twice a week to lower the risk of prostate problems...So the fact that men should indulge in instant gratification isnt psycho babble its proved medical fact...

Obviously this guy has some issues if he isnt initiating and is masturbating rather than have sex...Most likely a low sex drive since he doesnt initiate and needs porn rather than his girlfriend...

What she needs to do rather than get upset and feel as if she has been cheating on....is to sit down with her boyfriend and COMMUNICATE the issue...I thought everyone was crazy when they would sit there and reitterate communicatino in every post, but its true...you need to talk about this problem with your boyfriend....if this is someone you can see yourself marrying, then take him to counseling....if he is someone you are comfy with but not too interested in marrying....try to talk to him give him a week or so then kick him to the curb...

JANG you have NOT been cheated on...you never were...and you need to get that whole "I should be the center of his fantasies and he should only need me and the thought of me to get off" Why? Because your going to really be put into a rock and a hard place when you realize almost every man in this world has a fantasy not generally involving his gf....and not every man in this world will think about his girlfriend every single time he masturbates or gets a hard on...Believe me if you were really cheated on...your boyfriend with another woman...engaging in intercourse...it would be a much much much different feeling then finding out he is thinking about someone else....I should know...

Ducy

Posted: 06 Oct 23:49


Ducy I'm sure you know that by obligation I wasn't in any way implying a licence to rape. But as a point scoring exercise I suppose its fair enough.

Normalgirl's boyfriend is in a long term relationship and not meeting his partners sexual needs, instead he's wanking while watching porn. This is showing such massive disrespect towards his partner I'd have shown him the door straight away. I'd personally only consider it justified for my partner to masturbate if somehow he wasn't getting enough sex.

A relationship is all about obligations. Obligations towards a person other than yourself, sex is just one area. If for some reason sex isn't possible then you owe your partner a proper explanation.

In the past I had to stop having sex for medical reasons, and when I did I explained why I had to stop to my partner because he was my partner and I owed him an explanation.

Anyway I don't want to harp on about communication, unless he's stupid he should know already that his behaviours unacceptable.

sarah_rsl

Posted: 06 Oct 23:50


The concern is not the masturbating. I have masturbated every week or so since I was thirteen irrespective of any relationship I may have been in. My guess is that most men and a lot of women do it more often than I.

The concern is the computer. We all fantasize while masturbating - and sometimes during real sex. The concern is why use the computer with a willing partner right there, willing and available. I, too, would be upset (though maybe not to such an extent). With a less than active sex life, I owuld feel less than a woman if her preferred his own stimulation to the various tricks I have.

This issue is not the base of the proble. These situations often indicate much deeper problems in the relationship. Get some help - either a counsellor or a moving crew.

Brandye

Posted: 06 Oct 23:53


Indeed brandye he does need some sort of talking to...be it a dear john letter or a counselor.

Ducy

Posted: 06 Oct 23:53


Wow Sarah... your post reminds me of a joke... "Why do men usually die first?".... "because they want to".

Remember this when that happens to you.

cool macs

Posted: 06 Oct 23:55


Would she be more comfortable with him seeking gratification with a real live woman as opposed to a computer screen? Unless hes making plans to meet these women (assuming it's a webcam show he's enjoying), I don't see anything wrong with it. I admit, some of my best ideas in the bedroom come from porn. :)

Thresher_V

Posted: 06 Oct 23:55


Perhaps they just are not sexually compatible? Often people get into relationships, enjoy the others company, then find out they don't work well together sexually--lack of chemistry. It appears this has been an overlooked issue for a long time. Or he just prefers to have sex with his computer? :confused:

sera300

Posted: 06 Oct 23:57


I'd have to agree with bits and pieces from most people here with the issue, but I am thinking there is more much underneath that we are not informed about. Like ducy said earlier that communication is important, maybe he feels that when he initiates sexually with her that he isnt getting the gratification he wants, or maybe he feels like he isnt pleasing her how she would like it to be. There is any number of possibilities of why his sex drive would be low, and masturbation for me can be an anytime thing. You can just be bored one time, or think of something a little hot when you are online or anything really. We are guys, sex tends to stay on the mind in some way rather often. I cant say what sort of porn or fixation he might be into, but maybe he likes something specific he sees in it and wants to perform that in your relationship, maybe because she is inexperienced he doesnt feel as drawn and heated when she makes a small attempt at him. If it is a problem where he feels the porn is just greater then reality then he needs help or someone to smack him =p, sounds like those guys in warcraft starring at female characters all day instead of going for a real g/f.
Bottomline is we dont know all the facts that surround this issue, you need to discuss with him both with how you feel as well as find out why he feels porn more stimulating then sharing together. Also think about the reverse, what if you were the one that lost the sex drive as tends to happen later years in relationships? It can go both ways but there hasnt to be some sort of reason that the spark isnt there, find out why and then based on that if you need more feedback or discussion im sure everyone here would be helpful. Good luck

bluetide76

Posted: 06 Oct 23:57


The info. which is missing from the OP is; approximate ages and prior experiences. This may lend to further assistance. If they are both about 18; lack sexual knowledge [or if one does]; there could be a key point. Put differently, their approaches to sex may vary based upon what they view, think is correct, or have been taught.

If she has approached, him perhaps the signals are not correct [or misinterpreted] and he thinks following porn is the way you do it. Or he just is in love with his computer; or seeking ideas from it.

Either way their relationship has been ongoing [3 years] and she has accepted his turn down without communicating her needs. Apparently he is not getting the satisfaction he requires from her. A long talk in needed first; no change? Incompatibility/inexperience? Or frankly they are too complacent. They need to make choices to get on the same page...or split...they are not married & neither are happy regarding their active/real sex life.

Perhaps she nags him & he is acting out his fantasies as frustrations for satisfaction..???? Or he is just a porn addict??? Too little info. has been presented by the OP to really draw assumptions yet.

Any info. would be helpful if she really wishes to seek help...

sera300

Posted: 06 Oct 23:57


So he masturbates. Face it..THAT is NOT your problem.

The problem is you two are NOT effectively communicating with each other.

Your sex life is dead. He says because you're 'not participating' and yet when you initiate sex, he does not respond.

This seems to be more a case of UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS than anything else, on BOTH of their parts.

No, she isn't like the porno-girls. No one is. Porno-girls are FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.
and
Men are not machines "press a button and he's on". Men don't work that way.

So - get off the sofa, turn off the computer, turn the lights down low and kneel naked on the bed looking at each other. Begin mutual body worshipping - slowly. Erase all thoughts from your mind except "this man/woman will please you". Accept the feelings; explore one another slowly and caressingly; make noises but not words. Let go of any and all expectations - love the one you're with as they actually are. Segue to intercourse slowly - there's no rush, no one's keeping score and this isn't The Olympics.

Do this 9 times per week - by that I mean 3 times per session, three sessions per week.

Vary the routine but do NOT vary the erotic nature of the exercise.

The point being that you two have lost each other somewhere in the fog and now must once again find your way back to each other. Do it or break up.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 23:57


Thats totally ok . I think communicating about ur intrests n fantasies is a must

Posted: 10 Mar 21:27





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