Cheated on bf with friend's bf... what i have done...
I recently betrayed my best friend by sleeping with her bf. It was a horrifically bad mistake. I have regretted it ever since and now have to live with by selfish actions. Now I need advice to handle it from here. I would imagine I won't be getting sympathy. Still, I am hoping someone can look past my despicable act and give advice. I don't deserve it, I know. Why did I do it? I didnt realize this beforehand, but I am a jealous person. My friend was in a happy relationship and I was not. I have a bf, who is very nice. But he's not the one.
Anyway, I rent a beach house with my bf, my friend, my friends bf and six other friends. By pure coincidence, my friends bf and myself were the only ones at the house one Thursday night. We both took work off on Friday for different reasons. We had a very nice conversation. He told me he was looking at engagement rings. At the end of the night, he got up to kiss me good night. I leaned in and got him on the mouth. We was surprised at first, but soon returned the kiss. He took me into one of the bedrooms and the rest is history. Let's just say, we didn't sleep.
At the time, I did not feel bad. It was exceptionally good. It was also, I am ashamed to admit, a big ego boost and a huge power trip. Afterwards, though, the magnitude of what I had done set in. I am now overcome with guilt. I am having trouble eating and sleeping. I can't look my friend in the face or at myself in the mirror. What should I do?
Unfortunately, guilt is not my only problem. My friends bf hits on me all the time now. Sometimes right under my friends nose and sometimes under my bf's nose. I feel I should say something, but that would be difficult. During the act, I swore secrecy to this guy. It was definately on one-time thing. I'd like to continue pretending that it did not happen, but I don't know how long I could go on.
Please. I need advice. I don't deserve it, but I need it.
MarD93
Replies:
Ok, here's my opinion. It's prob not what you want to hear, but it's my point of view. First of all cheating on your boyfriend is bad enough, but cheating with your best friends boyfriend is unforgivable. No matter what, your friendship is bound to fail now. Even if you came clean to her, she wouldn't be able to trust you with any of her boyfriends in the future. The relationship between her and her boyfriend is also the same. Not only did he cheat, but he cheated with her best friend. I think that you should come clean. If she was really your friend you would because she needs to know that he cheated on her. You may lose her as a friend, but that's bound to happen because of what you did. Doesn't sound fun but that's my advice.
sexykitty
There is not a woman among us who has not used the power of her sex to get something. Maybe that includes intercourse, maybe flirtation or anything in between. Where do you draw the line between what is OK and what is not. We may agree that you stepped over the line but he is the jerk more than you. You were not talking engagement ring, he was. You are not continuing the initiative, he is.
Tell him flat out to knock that crap off. Your girlfriend needs to know he is a cheater. Whether you plant the message through friends, in which case he will tell her, or do it face to face, you lose. In the short term, you will be the seducer who broke up her engagement. In the longer term who knows.
Have we not all done something to be regretted? Is it not always painful to face up to it? You have some rough days ahead and a major decision that is all yours.
Hugs
Brandye
ah.... sticky situation...I agree w/ both of th previous posts. What you did was really bad, but I do believe that u truly do feel bad about it. You need to tell her boyfriend to stop and I think u need to sit down with her and tell her. Coming clean would be the best thing to do. Good Luck.
Tjdude
It's very sad to be the friend who gets betrayed so badly...especialy if you are the last one to know.
I agree with the post that said your friendship is doomed now any way you slice it. Come clean. She deserves to know what a jerk he is and how you've treated your friendship.
Live life.
Good luck.
Junocozmos
Hi again. Thank you everyone for your advice. I appreciate it. I guess the concensus is that I have to come clean. I will do it. It's going to be difficult, though. 'I slept with your bf,' is not something you can candycoat.
Anyway, I had another related question. I feel guilt for a variety of reasons. Here;s one more. During the act, I did not feel guilty. The situation was a big turn on. I am not just talking about that the sex was very good. I liked the fact that I was with my friends bf. It was almost like a victory. Like I had something over her. He was telling me I was better than her and it was turning me on. Afterwards I felt ashamed that I felt that way. I find those thoughts disgusting now. Why did I feel that way during? I am not like that. I can't stand that I felt like that. Am I sick?
Also, what should I do about my bf? He's going to be hurt too. As stated, that relationship is not as important to me. It's not going anywhere. Still, he doesn't deserve that humiliation. The two guys know each other. My friends bf thinks he's top dog now. He basically said it. He has no remorse.
MarD93
What a mess. You should come clean to everyone, and lay low for sure. Everyones going to be upset.
Heat of the moment. The passion, the excitement of the whole thing was short lived. And now you have a huge deluge of feelings to clean up. Good luck.
Junocozmos
I'm going to take the dissenting viewpoint. It appears that there is a lot to lose and nothing to gain in coming clean in this. You've made a selfish mistake as has the b/f. But what purpose does it serve to potentially destroy his engagement as well as your friendship with your g/f. She's the one who has been wronged and she's the one who will suffer the most if you go public.
I believe the situation is much better served if you had a "come to Jesus" talk with the guy. Let him know that what happened was a huge mistake on both of your parts, but his g/f is the most important factor in this episode. Let him know that it will not happen again and he had best put a stop to the flirting. Tell him that you're got your eye on him now and will not hesitate to tell his girlfriend/fiance about your episode if he continues to come on to you or you get the sense that he's off fooling around with someone else.
?wiseman?
I recently came clean with my bf. That relationship is now over. I made one mistake and now I am out a friend and a bf. That's an expensive lesson. Anyway, my former friend is still with her bf, even though I admitted what happened. That's a little unfair. She believes that I seduced him and he had nothing to do with it. I may have initiated it, but he had plenty to do with it. I didn't have to do much convincing. Here's another outrageous part of this entire story: HE HIT ON ME AGAIN! He called me one night and tried to get me to come over. I hung up on him. I'd tell my former friend this, but I don't think she'd believe me. Somehow, it'd be my fault again.
MarD93
MarD93, you've done your part. Good for you, though I know you've come out on the short end. It's a tough battle to fight, but next time you talk to your ex-friend, tell her to please ask her boyfriend to stop calling you as you're not interested in another one night stand. Wish her the best with her fiance and ask her to have him remove you from his "speed dial" on the cell phone. I know it sounds flippant, but short of taping his phone calls (which is illegal in the U.S.) this ditz is going to have to learn a hard lesson all by herself.
Walk away from the whole situation. If he calls again, tell him you have him on tape and will play it for his fiance. This guy is an a**hole who manipulated you to a situation that suits his purpose and it's time for you to play hardball. You've lost a lot in this episode, don't put yourself in a position to lose any more.
?wiseman?
You did the right thing, yes it left you in the doghouse, but you aren't hiding anything now, and can move on and find a relationship with someone who you will want to be faithfull to. Your friend will eventually learn, because her bf will do it again. Tough lesson, but good one. If you aren't ready to settle down make it clear to everyone involved and then there won't be any hard feelings in the end. Good luck.
sexykitty
It was mostly his fault as much as it was yours. He brought it on as much as you did. The thing is things like this are hard. She is with someone who wants to marry her yet sleep with other people... he is not trustworthy to her and i think you need to tell her... you may or not be spoken to ever again but for your freidnds sake you need to tell her so he won't hurt her and sleep with more and more people or just with you and not feel guilt or do feel guilt either way he is at blame as much as you are and you need to tell her b4 she marries this guy and yuo are standing there at the alter and crying inside cuz you know the truth of how "trustworthy" he really is to her. So.... yeah
Well you did the good thing and it was bad on your part but humans have their selfish acts. As for you friend completely ignore her and her fu**ing cocky self. ok? That is the thing you are doing anyway. Don't mess with her... eventually she will see in her own eyes he is an ass. and that he does cheat on her. He is a bastard and it will come out with time. The only thing for you to do is stay out of it. Being in there won't help you at all. It iwll only cause destruction and more pain to you than you already have. Next time things like this happen don't play with the hearts of real people.
nodoubt16pb