No sex after moving in together....
So, I'm having this problem and it seems to be happening all the time with most of my long-term relationships.
I've been currently dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We live together and we have a dog together. Typically, we seem like the all-average blossoming couple, but our sex life is almost completely non-existent.
We dated long-distance for the first 4 months of our relationship and I never had a complaint about sex until we started to co-habitate shortly after 4 months. Since then, our sex life has completely stopped. I am almost never in the mood unless I'm intoxicated. My life is incredibly stressful, with trying to land a long-term career job, financial difficulties to basic things as keeping the house tidy. (As most of the domestic responsibilities have been put on my shoulders) He says he likes having sex with me better when I'm drunk as I'm more open, noisy, and responsive. It hurt my ego a little bit to hear that but I've tried to work with it. We've talked openly about our problem as it is not just me that's aware of it. He says I'm too quiet and our sex is boring. I feel like he's left the responsibility of making our sex life more adventurous to me, and I've asked him to show me what he wants me to do. He's been with more women than I have with men, and I would like him to show me what he sees as "adventurous" but he never does. He wants me to talk more and make more sounds during sex but I can't enjoy it while I'm giving a play-by-play of what were doing every second. I also am to realistic to sound like a porn star when I'm not THAT into it (like faking an orgasm I can't fake enjoying it to that point) I'm not sure if it's because he's shy or just plain lazy. I've tried to open up about my fantasies and try to "spice" things up, but he doesn't find pleasure in it so he just complains about it and eventually I don't want to do it anymore with him. (I really like having sex in public places, like in a car, but he hates doing that and finds it boring so I just stop asking) I have looked up advice and consulted with friends about this situation and I've tried them all. (More foreplay, more doing things around the house which will leave more time for me to feel in the mood and more appreciated etc. etc. etc.) but nothing's prevailed. It lasts for a day, but then he returns to old habits. I have flat out asked him for massages, more intimate connection, but I get nothing in return but moaning and groaning and then he does what I ask. (Then, obviously it's not what I want anymore) I find his "timing" so inconvenient. I work 2 jobs to make ends meet and by the time I hit the pillow, sex is the FURTHEST thing from my mind at 1 am. So I turn him down and he doesn't want to do anything with me. (Occasionally we'll cuddle, but not for long)
This is NOT the first time this has happened to me in other relationships. My last one, sex was AMAZING until we moved in together. It ended up being the same thing, but that time he had cheated on me and I kicked him out of my life. I've never felt the same sexually since that relationship. I was turned-off by men for a long time until my current bf came around, but now, I feel I'm headed down the same road. Quite honestly, I would be completely happy if I never had sex with anyone ever again, and I don't like how that feels. Most of my relationships have never felt like I was "making love" and it's always been more of this rowdy, crazy, wild, imaginary f***ing that guys seem to fantasize about. The one time I really felt such a deep connection with was with my ex who cheated on me and I feel like in order to gain that sort of connection with someone, I'm going to pay dearly for it in the long run.
There is more to this situation as well, (like me not liking the city we're living in due to job availability and safety) but I feel like this is the biggest problem and I'm at my wits end. I feel like it's got alot to do on my part because I keep ending up in the same situation. So anyone got any advice for what I could do to make an improvement? Thanks :)
Webby
Replies:
Granted I only have one side of the story, but it's VERY hard for me to get past the "I'm the one doing everything" tone of your message. It's hard to embellish what you're saying. He sounds like a mooch, deadbeat, etc. I'd personally just move on.
You sound way stressed out with life, not counting couple or bedroom stuff. You also sound fairly young, like maybe just out of college and this is the first big career choice you speak of? Regardless, if you feel you're in charge of the house, doing everything, making most of the dough, how can you be expected to ALSO be in charge of the relationship?
I say wipe your slate clean. Get you're big stuff settled first. Don't like your area? Move! :) Go where the people that do what you want to do are. I know it's easy for me to just type that out but really, you start by making yourself happy. Get your life how you want, THEN worry about relationship stuff. All these troubles with EX's you have, these are just things you are learning. Use what you learned from their failures to find better men. Find the nice guy that knows how to treat you right. Also learn how to treat him right too.
I'll let the others talk about the sex part, as I'm sure they have much more valid opinions. Personally for me it's not all the porn noise and confidence in what you want and making that happen. I'd be more turned on by your "I want to do you in this car, right here right now" type fantasy if you OWNED it, rather than some crappy "make more noise" request. A confident woman to me is what's sexy.
So short version: Make yourself happy first. Find someone later that makes you happy, and that you want to make happy.
Firmus
if you'd ask me. Sounds like he won't put any effort into anything you're asking. And goes about judging you to keep attention away from himself. Why? Whether it's laziness, disinterest, him secretly being hooked on porn or himself actually being "boring" and trying to draw attention away from that, we shall not know. That's what I'm getting from reading your story. Either way; what he's doing is just plain unfair and immature. By judging you like that, there's no room for "open" conversation and only stress for you to gain from it. I'm sorry, but if people who enjoy sex in public places are "boring", then I don't know what people who are extremely vanilla are to be called. And even that; vanilla is a flavor that can be really delicious and perfectly fine when desires are compatible. (in your case; it appears both your desires are not).
I agree wit Firmus; let's focus on you, your life and your happiness. Currently this person is certainly not contributing to it, whether sexually or within your household. That's not ok for either of you.
Hope this helps. More questions, feel free to ask. Wishing you all the best!
RedRoses
"It is All Your Fault"
NO, IT IS NOT.
After working two jobs it is a wonder you bother to remember this guy's name. And then you have to put up with his crap?
Oh, no. Not any more. OUT HE GOES! He's gotten his ideas of how women should be from pornography (I'd bet.) where women are paid to sing opera even if they don't feel like it. His expectations require recalibration.
DUMP HIM.
As for you, since this is a repetitive pattern part of it is you, stop trying to please, stop trying to appease and definitely stop cohabitating after a measely 4 months of knowing some guy. Strip your life to the basics, get the career going and then rebuild. The plain truth is that you have to have a rich, happy, rewarding INDIVIDUAL life before you can invite anyone else to share it. Red Roses and Firmus are quite right.
STRESS KILLS SEX
If you're tired, stressed out, and being held solely responsible for anything in a dysfunctional relationship- the sex just dies. No more drunken sex. You don't need alcohol, you need a spine. Time for you to become demanding and dangerous to the point where men desire but also fear. Why? Because it brings you a better man who will share the burden of making a relationship great.
JOY & CONFIDENCE ATTRACT
So do what you must to make yourself joyous and confident.
Good Luck!
EvilEvilKitten