OP: Help. I am so confused about my identity.

You worry too much. So much in fact that you can't enjoy things when they come around.

Loving to look at girls is perfectly normal. Why shouldn't it ? If you always look at them, it might be because you are fascinated by the feminine figure. No big deal. Also, it's perfectly normal to look at other girls even if you're dating, as long as you don't litterally mean business with them or if you do it in the presence of your partner and that she hates it. As much as some women would love their men to stop staring at other girls, it's not that simple. You can't just tell your libido "Ok, I'm not single anymore, let this penis never rise again except for my girl". It's just the way we're made, no bad in this.

It seems you've got a pretty regular life. Forget the chest hair issue, it's not like hair grow out of everyone's chest and armpits at the same time (now THAT'd be weird). Body hair have nothing to do with sexual orientation whatsoever.

Though you used to fear relationships, it no longer seems to be the case. However, this could become distracting if you show too much insecurity. The important fact is that you love your woman, make sure to tell her. Also, if you don't get 100% hardons is by no mean a way of saying you don't find her desirable.

As for the spring break issue. Relax, responding to sexual stimulation isn't the same thing as saying you are homosexual. I mean, for all I know, it could have been a women sliding her hand down there and you would have been aroused anyway. A set of predefined factors made the situation much more intense but could have applied to a girl doing the gesture just as well. The intensity of that moment could have resulted from:

- The whole forbidden aspect of being fondled in your sleep by someone you don't know.
- Tension.
- A very direct and daring approach.

Many more factors could have applied but I don't know them all and they differ from people to people. Look, even if a guy got you a hardon, it doesn't mean you are homosexual. Women like to stimulate themselves using a pillow: that doesn't make them pillowsexuals. Stimulation just doesn't trace a line between hetero and homosexuality.

Before I continue, consider a bit of respect for homosexuality. You might not like it for yourself but you will one day or another offend someone by childish reactions like "Ewww" and "Oh my god, you're gay !". I mean, if someone is an homosexual, who cares ? Big deal.

Well, now that this is out of the way... if you don't get much of a hardon with the woman you love, I suggest you speak with her and tell her you wish to explore ways to strengthen the intensity of your desire. Try new positions, let her try new things on you, try roleplay but mostly: TRY TO RELAX. Keep an open mind. Don't take my comment bad but just reading your post made me feel like you are very paranoid and complexed.

Don't ask other what you are, only you can and should decide this. If you're afraid of homosexuality, I've gotta say you don't seem at all like one. You live normal reactions and issues. TONS of guys have erection problems no matter how much they desire their partner. Consider it a challenge to beat, to reach a full, 100% erection again. It's not because you're not sexually attracted to her, on the contrary.

I hope I helped you out even a little, if some things do not seem clear or there are issues I have not answered, please feel free to ask again.

Good luck !

Ashes

Posted: 30 Sep 05:44

I think Ash as given you some incredibly good advice. Mine is "hear it and follow it." (Welcome, Ash!)

You're fate is exactly what you want it to be. You and your future are not hardwired. You have choices, make them.

Be prepared for indepth analysis of all the information you've provided... but remember, by and large, you get to choose your fate.

Stop worrying and start chasing Karen. Stop setting stupid standards (if you don't get a third of an erection when you think about her, that doesn't mean you're gay).

Conversely, very few people are "100% hetero" - most will, as Ash points out, respond to varying sexual stimuli. That's a good thing. Scope the board and you'll find people who are turned on by thoughts of vampires. That doesn't make them vampires.

In short, worry less about who you are and start enjoying who you are - the full spectrum and depth of who you are and who you (and you and her as a couple) can become.

Your dick will follow.

WallyLlama

Posted: 30 Sep 05:44

Hi Michael, and welcome!

Wally and Ashes both had good quality advice!

Now, if you're new to the board, you may not know my history, but, here's the readers digest (with some tie-ins for your benefit)

Brief history of me:
1) Middle kid
2) Small framed (skinny, kid, late bloomer also)
3) Always teased as a jr high school and high school kid as being "gay" because i was so small, and my voice didnt' change till i was almost a senior in high school
4) because of my body-type (5'6", 130lbs) in high school, 5'8", 145lbs in college), i didn't participate in sports at all, opting to be more involved in art, and creative stuff (yes, sang in the concert choir, acted in school plays)
5) ALways was aware of other guys bodies and how i was different from theirs
6) Went to all the prom's, semi-formals, yada yada (i was still popular with gals, and had girlfriends throughout high school and collge)
7) Lost my virginity when i was 17
8) Masturbated alot, never had a problem with erections with the ladies (i think its because the first gal i really had sex with was alot more experienced than me and complimented me on how long my cock was for my body size). As a result, i had alot of confidence when it came to any kind of sex.
9) I also had a guy in college approach me one n ite in a dorm. He also was not what anyone would say, was "a hot looking guy"...but we were drunk after the closing night in a play, i'd walked my GF back to her dorm, then went to crash at my friends dorm room. I was on one bed, he on the other. I woke up to see him suckin on my cock. I was, like you, shocked, and asked him to stop. Now, the differnce here is, I asked him why he did it. He said, "Bob, i know you're dating Kassie, but I'm gay, and i can sense things, and i really thought u were gay or at least bi and just dind't know how to act on it." Well, i smiled and slapped his head and said "You dumb ass, just cause i'm into art, acting, singing and stuff like that, it dosn't make me gay." Little did i know how that would come back to be ironic!

Speed forward, i meet, fallin love with and date a local gal from my church group (yes, i was very involved in church too). I finish collge, get my degree, get a job, ask her to marry me, she says yes, we marry, and start our new lives togethr as man and wife.

Time goes on, intenet starts showing up,i buy a computer, log into BBS systems, wife and i start talking about swinging, we finally meet a couple, do some swinging, meet guys and gals for 3ways, yada yada yada. Hey, we're in our late 20's early 30's in great shape, and having fun. Speed ahead, we have a baby, life changes again, 9 months after his birth, my son is diagonised with cancer. Luckily, after 4 months of pure torture, he's fully healed, no chemo, nuttin....but in that time, there has been no sex, no intimacy.

Speed forward, wife and i continue to swing, she has her first bi experience, and i have my first bi experience. Something in me clicks, and over the next few months and years, i begin to see hetero sex as very vanilla. The porn i start to view is more and more male oriented, i begin to venture on my own to have bi sex with guys.

Speed ahead, wife finds out, moves out, takes our son, moves back to her mom and dad's in another state, and i'm left with having to start over. My wife's parting note to me is: Find out who you are, and when you do, if you are still my husband, then we can go forward, if not, i wish you luck in your life."

3 months after the separation i've taken a job in another state, i want a fresh start to, i want to get focued on who i am. On a whim, i get an IM from a local guy in my new town. He's also a divorced guy, with kids, we agree to meet for a drink at a local bar. He walks in the bar and my heart shoots thru my throat, and i'm faced to face with the reality that i just found a MAN incredibly attractive. Guys in the past to me were jsut bout sex, and cumming..not any kind of emotion. Man, I was in a real bind.

We were just supposed to chat about life, kids, our separations/divorce, yada, yada..but within that first hour, chemestry took over. We closed the bar, and he invited me back to his house for a nightcap...and i spent the night with him. It was the first time having sex with a guy that actually felt like "making love."

8 years later, we're still together. My parents, son, family all know and love my partner. My xwife is still single and will forever blame me for ruining her life, but she's slowly getting over it.

SOOOOOOOOOOO..what does all this mean? Well, you can like gals, get off on hot women, lick 'em f***'em love' em, marry them, have kids with them.....but, ifyou're gay, you're gay. If you're not, you're not. I discovered i was gay at the age of 35! I had never had any real homosexual contact prior to my marriage and swinging. But, as i came out of the closet, close friends and family would come up to me and say, "Ya know, i always thought you might be gay, Bob."

So, my advice. Take it one day at a time. Look in your heart. You may be gay, you may be str8, you may not know - hell i didn't know for a long time. But just come to love and embrace yourself right now. Be as happy as you can be. Who you are sexually will eventually come out. You can embrace it or you can hide it..thats your call. But just know that along the way, there will be signs that you can ignore or consider.

I love my son. I love my husband. I wish i didn't have to hurt my xwife to find this out..and if there was a way to change that, i would. But, when i said "I DO" to my wife that day, i really meant it. I'd repressed my feelings so far down, that there was no way i was gay, that i was supposed to fallin love, get married, buy a house, have a career, have kids and live happily ever after.

IRONICALLY: I have all of that now - just that i have a husband not a wife! ;)

Relax. Focus on school, work, etc. Things like an education and career are VERY important now. And, ya know what, if you need to explore your sexuality - now is the time to do it! Better to discover what you like and don't like now!

HOpe this helps..sorry for the long post! I felt compelled!

Rawbob

Posted: 30 Sep 05:45

I don't know if I'm bi or lesbian or straight or any of those things. I'm still a teenager and I'd like to ask adults if you personaly think it's a sign of maturity that a person definitively pick their sexual orientation after awhile? It's just stressful when you don't know what you want and you feel like you really will never decide for sure.
I know some might call this being bisexual but (maybe because I grew up in an ultra-Christian home) sometimes I hate myself for thinking that I'm bi and would rather just be straight or lesbian.
Help?

a.m.h.i.

Posted: 30 Sep 06:09

> I don't know if I'm bi or lesbian or straight or any of those things. I'm still a teenager and I'd like to ask adults if you personaly think it's a sign of maturity that a person definitively pick their sexual orientation

Please do not be overly concerned about your orientation at this time of life. The teenage years are a decade of transition from living a life as a child and learning how to live life as a young adult. Your body has and is making changes, your brain is developing and will continue to into your early twenties. While it is true that homosexuality is often a choice, very often it is not. A person does not mull things over in his/her mind for a while and then declare their orientation. It boils down to the gender(s) you are physically and emotionally attracted to.

* If you are attracted to members of the opposite gender then you are heterosexual
* If you are attracted to members of the same gender then you are homosexual or lesbian--Gay
* If you find that you can be attracted to people of both genders then you are Bi-sexual

Very often straight people try to make homosexuality an issue about sex. It is not. It is about who you as an individual can or are attracted to. If you are only attracted to people of the same gender then you are straight. If you are attracted to certain members of the same gender then you are Gay. If you can be attracted to an individual regardless of gender then you are Bi-. Sex, per se, is not the issue, chemistry is.

My advise is to let your life unfold and sort of observe how your emotions, outlook on matters of all kinds develop with further maturity and life experiences. Do not worry about your orientation, it will take care of itself in due course, and, you will simply know--not pick.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 06:09

Honey,

I am a few decades ahead of you. I have lived parts of my life as an exclusively heterosexual woman and came close to marriage; I have lived parts of my life as purely a lesbian. Today, my primary relationship is with another bi-sexual woman whom I have known since we were children. We make room for each to have some "penis time." Not much is either needed nor desired but we each recognize that marriage of either of us could split us apart.

If picking an orientation is a sign of maturity, as you posit, then I shall never become mature. Doc gives the best advice possible. Live life. Sex takes care of itself.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 06:09

Hi so this is it i guess,(im a guy by the way)

im really confused about my sexuality and have been for a while now. and i cant seem to figure it out. maybe you can help...in order to keep it short and sweet here iswhats confusing me.

so im not attracted to men emotionally,never had a crush on a friend and never thought that id like to be in a relatioship with one either, and still dont, however i find myself fantasizing about gay sex when i masterbate

i am attracted to women emotionaly and physically and enjoy being in relationships with them , have been with many women but recently the thought of sex with a woman doesnt really turn me on.
itslike i like the female body but i also like the penis....i have absolutly no idea whats going on here,

couldany of you shed some light on this ? thx:)

runeasy

Posted: 30 Sep 07:26

> im not attracted to men emotionally, never had a crush on a friend and never thought that id like to be in a relationship with one either, and still dont, however i find myself fantasizing about gay sex when i masterbate

A fantasy is just that. Most of us have them, and the scripts vary from person to person and from one period to another in a person's life. Fantasies are harmless--even the bizarre ones, unless possibly acted upon.

> i am attracted to women emotionaly and physically and enjoy being in relationships with them , have been with many women but recently the thought of sex with a woman doesnt really turn me on.

Consider that you have not yet found someone who turns your head, or turns you on, let alone finding Ms. Right. This is what dating should be all about, learning about what humanity has to offer us. Dating should not begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in us.

When you find someone who not only turns your head, and, in which pheromones fly between you, the thought of sex with a woman will turn you on. If you were Gay, then these attractions would be the result of a particular male individual with whom you come into contact. Sure, you would find certain woman attractive, possibly having social interactions with one or more of them, yet there would not be the sexual attraction.

Bisexuality is a mix of possible interest in both genders. This does not mean that all men and all women will be attractive to you--certainly not, and no more or less so than if you were straight and in a "jungle" of women~! Being Bi- means that when the right individual comes along, male or female, you can be physically, emotionally, and, sexually attracted to her/him.

Being Bi-curious is generally described as a person who is fundamentally heterosexual yet is curious about a relationship (or having sex) with someone of the same gender. You might say that this is taking a fantasy to the next level, if a person does fantasize about this.

Being Bi-curious is generally a transitory state, meaning once a person's curiosity about kissing or engaging in making out, foreplay, or having intercourse, is satisfied, be it with one or more than one individual, they return to developing straight relationships. From your description, I'd venture to guess that this is where you are.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 07:26

Many men, and women, go through this. Time will tell. As you gain comfort with whatever your orientation really is, it will become clear to you. Do not force it in any direction.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 07:26