OP: Bf takes big issues to his mom before me....

My husband and I are 32. He still talks decisions over with his parents, and I still talk them over with mine. The problem here is not that he DOES it, it's that he does it TO THE EXCLUSION OF talking with you. He hasn't yet made the mental switch of who is to the greater extent, his partner in life; his top priority.

Holidays....if you get married, you're going to have to come up with work-arounds for the rest of your life, so get used to it now. That's just the nature of the beast of blending two families together. Having said that, if you go where you think you're going with this relationship, someday she's going to HAVE to let you in her house on Christmas if she wants her son there----but he's going to have to make that mental switch I mentioned above, and make it happen with her.

Talk to him. He needs to know your frustrations. To get me to make that mental switch a couple of years ago, T had to about kick me up side the head (figuratively speaking, of course) because it didn't occur to me.

At the same time, have some patience for how much they probably bonded and came to rely on only each other during their dad's illness and when time came to pick the pieces up. He's the man of her house now, has been for 6 years, and there's probably a degree to which that will never go away. He just needs to be reminded it's okay to be the man of his own house too.

lnt1103

Posted: 06 Oct 02:05

i agree with int about consulting each other about big decisions. it is ok to go to someone knowledgeable that has been around the block. then you and him need to discuss with each other.

as for sharing him around the holidays; until his mother changes her mind some thanksgiving he will probably always be at his mother's house. for Christmas maybe each year you two go to your parents house for Christmas eve so you see him for a holiday. hopefully each year you could switch between which house you go to when his mother has a change of heart about others being invited. certainly when you two become married she will have to accept that you will be with him during the holidays.

don't force the issue all at once but make sure you see progress.

big916

Posted: 06 Oct 02:05

Int pretty much nailed it, but is are we talking about what kind of car to buy or if he is going to move to another college? Honestly I look at it this way. Its his decision. Unless its something that would cause a huge problem with your relationship (I.e. him going away for college) then that's an issue. But if he's talking to her about careers, what car to buy, etc. I don't really understand why you would feel that he needed to come to you. You don't have a family to care for. If you had a kid to raise, or if you had joint finances, then I could understand a change of career or purchase. But until this comes along he lives his life with you as a part of the big picture. Marraige is when you become the bigger picture and everything else becomes smaller.

One thing you may be overlooking is that he lost his father and had to step in as head of the house/father figure. He probably feels like he can't stand up because he had to care for them for the last 6 years.

As far as her overstepping her bounds you have to respect her decisions. You guys are not married, and family is forever, until you both say "I do" (and sometimes not even then) you guys aren't forever. enjoy the time you have with your family. Once you guys get married, and start a family its going to be half your time spent with yours and half with his. I've been in relationships with girls over holidays and have always made it a point to spend holidays with family, and make our own holidays. Christmas is just a day that people say is special. So why can't you guys make the 26th a special day? Same principal.

Respectfully talk to him though and say that you would appreciate if he came to you for important decisions, but don't pressure him. Let him know that you respect his mothers decisions but you feel like she is overstepping her bounds. (Although the information you provided doesn't paint a terrible pic of her). She seems to be a woman who loves her family and is very close to them. But him going to her first isn't HER fault.

I know this isn't the advice people want to hear, but part of this issue is that your a woman and his mother is a woman. You guys are basically having a pissing contest to see who's better. She loves her son (he's pretty much all she has left) and will see every woman as a threat to her youngling. If you take him away what if she's left alone. He is HERS and nobody is taking him from her. You love him and feel like he should be yours so your going to want as much "control" coming to you as opposed to anyone else. If he came to you every time, subconsciously your feeling of dominance is high. Its the same way a dad and his daughters boyfriend work. Who's pee pee is bigger. Plus men know how teenage boys work. They're humping machines and the last thing a father wants is his girl (who will always be 4 years old and having tea parties) being deflowered by some "punk" who probably won't give to wags of a tail about her feelings. It is true. Human nature is a wonderful thing that is incredibly simple when it comes to relationships.

Ducy

Posted: 06 Oct 02:06

Dear Ayamia,
I can understand your issue. I think I would feel excluded if my partner responds the way yours does. And I would expect him to step up for me. It's not much of a welcome to you. About the relationship with his mother. When I think of a momma's boy, I think of someone who let's his mom decide. So; what is the relationship to his mother look like?

When he talks to his mom about decisions; Does he ask his mom for advice? Or have a chat to simply make up his own mind? If so, there's no problem; he's making up his own mind, making his own decisions as every adult should. And everyone could use a bit advice and someone to talk to when it comes to big decisions. Vocalizing your thoughts without the other answering can often be enough. This person is his mom, because they have come to do things that way. Him becoming "the man of the house", there's even a chance she also asks him for advice and puts her thoughts on the table, when it comes to her decisions.

You may point out how you feel excluded. Not asking him to talk to you instead of her, but to talk to you as well. There is no way that marriage or anything will "magically" change that, you need to point it out to him. There's quite a chance he doesn't even realize it at the moment that he's excluding you.

Or do you believe he is asking her permission? Changing his plans at the wink of his mom? Even worse; he's not having his mom decide whether you're fit to be with him, does he? If this is the case, then he hasn't learned yet to take his own decisions and responsibilities. He has some growing up to do. This also wouldn't be a strange way to respond; as one vital person from their family was taken away, his mom could be desperate to keep things the way they were; wanting him to remain her little boy. And given the sadness and loss that has come to this house, he'll do anything to keep his mom happy.

Changing this way of behaving is going to be harder, cause this is more like a development he needs to go through. His mom has some letting go to do, which may be extremely hard for her. What he needs is confidence that he's making his own decisions the right way and that it's his life. That he is not hurting his mother by not following her lead. She needs to learn to accept this too. You all will most likely get into a few bumps in the road. For you; best way would be to encourage him to do things his way. That he doesn't need permission from anyone. This will ask a bit more of you as well; you need to remember you're not there to take over his mothers' role. as tempting as it may be.

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:06

I see this in a different light. The mother in this case is a weak woman who has replaced her husband with her son and by making him the man of that house she has prevented him from being the man of his own house.

What you should do is to "chill". I am sorry, but you're going to have to back away a bit from this relationship but NOT go entirely away...not yet. Begin building your own life and don't consult him or ask his opinion. You can say you're doing this or that but just ignore any suggestions he might make - just make some noise in your throat so he knows you heard him.

If he asks you your opinion, answer him by asking what his mother thinks. Not to be nasty just matter of factly. If you really want to be clear have him ask his mother her opinion of whatever step you're thinking of taking. (you're just asking, no need, to follow the advice).

You MUST stop complaining about being alone on holidays. Instead of that make plans of your own the EXCLUDE him. "I'm vacationing in the south of France for the holidays - see ya!" Be sure to have a wonderful time and then be equally sure to tell him all about it afterwards.

You have fallen for a young man who has NOT built a happy, fulfilled invidiual life of his own and are now paying the price. You have to be prepared to move on if he chooses to remain with his momma instead of building a life with you.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:06

I don't know, EEK, the sly, unspoken "let's see how YOU like it!"-ishness of that tactic seems a little less than adult, and even bratty. Better methinks to be direct.

Although, perhaps, the maturity level is precisely what you're trying to find out how well he likes.

lnt1103

Posted: 06 Oct 02:06

Not at all, Int! She is unhappy and he's not likely to change any time soon so she should begin building an independent life of her own and be open about it. Now if this should happen to wake the guy up - so much the better for all concerned but if not, she'll be far better emotionally placed to find someone less 'inappropriately attached'.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:06

I don't know which assumption is fitting in this case, but just following EEK's line of thinking here;

Being someone myself that was "inappropriately attached" to my mom, I think the approach of asking what his mom thinks, could actually work. Somewhere there needs to be a wake-up call! For me it just came along as coincidental circumstances, but there's no wrong in changing circumstances yourself. I also think it's very healthy for yourself to continue living a life of your own. You don't have to sit and wait for him. I think it's a great idea to make your own plans for christmas or whatever. He's having fun with mom and family, so you're going to have fun too! Don't deny yourself that! But I'm not much fond of the idea of ignoring him... I believe in the kind way of emphasizing his own strength. Though in the end; he's the one that needs to believe it and you can't make him. Just remember that you may help him in any way you chose, but you're not responsible for him.

O, and once this stage is complete (will take a while ;)) and you're still a happy couple, perhaps with weddingbells ringing; there may be a chance of him getting overly attached to you. Keep a sharp eye on that.

RedRoses

Posted: 06 Oct 02:07

Without question. I've always said that two members of a relationship need aspects of themselves that were there before the relationship started, and would remain if it ever ended.

Having said that, I see the "backing away and ignoring him" as a breakdown in communication and the "what does your mom think" as snide and back-handed. If the goal is to maintain and nurture the relationship, I fail to see how either of those help.

But that's just IMO....EEK and I very often have opposing approaches to these things. Almost always in fact LOL

lnt1103

Posted: 06 Oct 02:07

But INT - you're not MALE.

Remember those old war movies where the line "It's quiet...too damn quiet" is spoken? That's something all guys immediately understand and when applied to their ladies - oh yeah - they begin wondering "what have I done wrong?" They become a bit frantic and review their recent activities and statements.

Silence where once there was communication is a huge warning sign to most men who expect women to be chatty, to want to discuss things, to want to talk about their relationship etc. Men expect women to talk. Therefore, NOT talking when once you used to gets masculine attention in a big way.

Feel free to ask Ducy if he 'gets it'.

BTW Ducy - after going through her teenage years with her - a father is usually more than ready for her to elope and grateful to anyone willing to take her off his hands. Yes, he still sees her as a tea party girl with her teddy bears but he also remembers the instances where he hadn't a clue and had to look to his wife for explanation and help.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 02:07

All good responses.

It may be also, that this young man is going to Mama for suggestions and answers because she is the person he has always gone to. He has no experience with anybody else, and, has not yet made the complete transition into becoming the male part of a two-some. Someone needs to tell this boy that part of becoming a man is to confide in and consult with his partner. It is quite alright to seek information, suggestions, and/or guidance, from outside the partnership, be it a parent, relative, friend, book, etc., yet quite another to not include his significant other, or wife in the decision making process. He needs a "heads up" reality check.

He needs to begin making decisions both on his own and with his partner, be they right or wrong, and learn from them and make changes mid course if necessary. Checking with a third party is fine, but don't take this person's input as final.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 06 Oct 02:07