OP: Discovered my bf checks out underage model sites (not porn but still!!)

Frankly, you are probably over-reacting... because by your own description you've made it about what happened to you, not what he did (or is doing). You "freaked and got very upset" and, while that is somewhat explicable by your past experience, it does not make for the "honest about sex" atmosphere you desire.

I'm not sure the general public would agree that looking at photos of fully clothed models constitutes "child porn."

So you've fully judged him and found him guilty and now you are asking if you should be concerned about his "curiousity?"

It's a little late for that and it's the wrong question anyway.

Here's PART of the real tragedy: if he himself was concerned about his own curiousity... what are the odds he'd discuss that with you?

That's one of the "better" questions.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I would say you need to step outside yourself and look at this from a different angle if you can.

WallyLlama

Posted: 02 Oct 23:43

I rather agree with Wallylama, that you may be over-reacting to this situation, and that fully clothed children actually does not constitute porn (in English Law) if there is no sexual activity going on with that child.

What sort of site is?
If it is a Catalogue type site, which includes adult clothing then I would not be too concerned. His reflex reaction that he had got in to a programme loop which could not be broken, was probably taken aback by your reaction.

Is he aware that you were subject to molestation as a child?
If so then he was to say the least tactless, by going to such sites on your computer.The other possiblity is that he may have tripped over the site and found it by accident (as I did with this site).

If not, perhaps you should have told him of your painful experiences in the past, given that you have been in a relationship for 2 years now. How does he react to "real" children, i.e. ones that he sees in the street or through friends of yours?

Whilst this next piece has nothing to do with printed matter, it is a useful analogy.

I had a situation some years ago where I was talking to one of my neighbours children, and a woman who was passing by asserted that I was about to abduct the child.

There was a further incident, where I saw another neighbour's children fall off her bicycle in a very awkward way and was concerned for her safety, since she was not crying. Bear in mind that this is in a public road and two of her friends, who I also know, were looking on.

In that particular case I was concerned that her spine was not jeapodised and therefore she could not feel pain to "cry about". As it turned out, she was just in shock. Further as she was pre-pubescent, I was equally concerned that her Pelvic Girdle had not been fractured or there had been any dislocation to the hips, which as you are aware could have serious consequences if she has children of her own when she is an adult.

I was executing First-Aid tests to confirm that status of the spine and hips, which require contact with the child's body but without her in any state of undress. However another woman out-right accused me of "trying to touch-up " the girl. It was at that point that the childs father appeared on the scene, who had been summonsed by one of the friends, took over the first aid; the child then burst in to tears, much to our relief. Even so we took her to hospital to be on the safe side.

The so called concerned person did not offer any help such as calling an ambulance or a First-Aid trained person

It is circumstances such as this that make people ( and men in particular) avoid going to the aid of an injured child or indeed an adult.

The point of the above is to underline that people can put
2+2 together and make 6!

You have challenged him, and he has provided his reply.
I think it best to leave the situation as it stands and would only get concerned if it becomes a regular "observation".

Sorry for the essay, but I just wanted to cover all eventualities.

Regards

cchrisr

Posted: 02 Oct 23:43

I have a different take. It is not normal for a late 30s father to be looking for these sites with pubescent girls. In some countries it is not only not normal, it is criminal.

If they are "fully clothed," there is likely no crime. There are well documented fetishes that include schoolgirl uniforms, "budding" early teens, etc. I am sensitive to these behaviours (perhaps overly so) because of deviance I encounter at work. With your background of molestation, you cannot expect to go beyond aversion to such action. That is simply reality, not a diagnosis.

Yes, you should be concerned and if you do not get straight answers, get out of the relationship.

Brandye

Posted: 02 Oct 23:43

If I may presume to interpret, I think part of what Brandye is saying is that it is difficult to be objective about this, particularly for people who've been victimized or have experience with victims.

It is very possible to overreact and project one's fears and biases onto a situation. When that happens we just create a different victim as evidenced in cchrisr's examples.

A little moderation and commonsense goes a long way.

I happen to disagree somewhat with Brandye on one point... it is very possible for people to overcome their past experience and the influences those experiences have on them. Unfortunately, as a society, we have gotten quite skilled at avoiding personal responsiblity for our thoughts and actions and it is generally accepted that we "can't help how we feel."

WallyLlama

Posted: 02 Oct 23:45