Many of us have been taught just one way of viewing what is 'normal', acceptable relationship behavior … namely a "lifelong monogamous heterosexual marriage," say Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy, authors of ‘Ethical Slut, a Practical Guide to Polyamory and Open Relationship’. But there are many people who are digging up those deep rooted beliefs and becoming progressively more open to the many diverse possibilities of relating with others.
It is exciting for your girlfriend that she wants to challenge conventional relationship models; in the process, she may find one that works best for her lifestyle and desires. However, that doesn't mean that you have to be okay with other guys sharing your lady. Despite the fact that your girlfriend has expressed a desire for your relationship to be ‘open’, it doesn't mean you have to assume that role just because you feel pressured to.
A healthy relationship is consensual and mutually respectful, and it will never survive if either one of you have to white-knuckle your way through it. If sharing your girlfriend with others doesn't work for you, you need to agree to a relationship model that feels comfortable for both you and her - and that takes patience, self-awareness, and a high degree of communication to achieve.
If your desire for her compels you to explore this lifestyle, it would be very worthwhile to educate yourself about Multi-partner & Alternative Lifestyles, and other non-traditional relationships. You'll be exposed to different ways of viewing sexuality, jealousy, negotiation and boundary setting. Your previous notions of what's considered ‘normal’ or socially agreeable will be challenged, so it's best that you to be prepared for the shifting of all the notions and beliefs you've carried thus far. You should also carefully consider why you think you could handle her being with other women – but not men! If she has bi-sexual tendencies she is just as likely, or unlikely, to overturn you for an alternative female as she would for a man! Or is this just your male-fantasy of ‘woman-on-woman’ clouding your thinking?
Learn more about what it is that she wants. Is it an open relationship, where she has the option to be sexual with others? Or is it polyamory, where she can carry on actual relationships with others? You also might want to find out the why's behind her desire for a non-traditional arrangement. For example, are there aspects of your relationship that you cannot - or won't want to - fill, such as being with someone much older or being with a bi-male/dominant female/etc.
Whatever way you look at it, learning more about her wishes will be a good thing for you. It could open new doors for you, or it may affirm whether or not the two of you are suited for one another. Regardless, be honest about your feelings along the way - holding it in will only spell bigger problems down the road. If it is too difficult a topic to resolve on your own, then seek the services of a couple's therapist who is experienced in counseling couples on non-traditional lifestyles and sexualities.
Posted: 17 Aug 19:28