OP: Break Up Mistakes

Ending a relationship is never easy, and knowing that your soon-to-be ex is really, really into you is enough to make anyone cringe at the thought of breaking their heart. Dumping someone is the emotional equivalent of pulling the rug out from under them, but there are ways to minimize the damaging effects; just follow these ten thou-shalt-not breakup techniques.

1. Dumping them over the phone
Technology in the twenty first century makes communication better than ever, but it also makes it easier for us to commit a big time break up faux pas. Although it spares you from seeing them in pain and misery, breaking up with someone via email, text message, voicemail, and instant messaging makes the person on the receiving end feel doubly awful. Not only is it impersonal, it gives the impression that you’re taking the easy way out. Pay your partner some courtesy and do it live and in person. If you’re more comfortable delivering the bad news in written form, put in the extra effort and hand write a letter.

2. Ending it while you’re under the influence
Liquid courage works when you want to hit on a hottie or pull a stunt that’ll impress your buddies, but it’s effects can be distastrous when it’s used to muster the guts to dump your honey. When you’re under the influence, being considerate of people’s feelings goes out the window, so there’s a good chance you’ll hurt them unnecessarily. You’ll babble more, filter less, and spew petty or insignificant reasons for the separation. You might even blow what chance you had at maintaining a friendship in the future. Lay off the booze for the big send off and cool your nerves with a drink afterwards.

3. Chucking them by cheating
Some people don’t realize how unsatisfied they are in a relationship until someone “better” or more seemingly more compatible comes along. They use cheating as a jumping off point from an unhappy situation -usually because they’re unwilling to deal with the real reasons for the breakdown- or they consider it a ‘test’ of their true feelings by putting themselves into a compromising situation -talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Overlapping partners is bad form on many levels. Not only is it sneaky and dishonest, you’ll always be labelled as the ‘cheater’ by her circle of friends, irregardless of what you did right during the relationship. Your significant other will be crushed if they find out, and cheating on someone usually has the added effect of negating any hope for a friendship in the future. The moment you realize who you’re with isn’t right for you, deal with the incompatibilities and make a clean break, or you’ll be doomed to repeat the cycle over and over again.

4. Using clichés as an excuse
It sucks to be told that you’re being cliché, but it’s certainly not as bad as being dumped with one. Clichés been played out ad nauseum in the world of dating, and only serve to patronize your partner’s intelligence. Your ex will see right through dribbling phrases such as, “it’s not you, it’s me” or, “I need to focus on myself right now,” and will know full well that you’re just coping out by not disclosing the real reasons fur dumping them. Man up and tell it like it is. Not only will your sweetheart recover, they might even learn a thing two from your feedback and use it to help them in future relationships.

5. Disappearing off their radar
Evasive tactics might work when you’re doing battle in the jungle, but do you really think that if you stop taking their phone calls, they’ll eventually get the hint? Obviously the will eventually, but a covert breakup strategy -where you don’t call back, avoid places where they hang out, and drop off their belongings in an unmarked box on their door step- shows that you’re retreating from the relationship with your tail between your legs. When you face the firing squad and own up to the fact that you’re over it already, you soon-to-be-ex will respect you more in the long run.

6. Being too vague
When you know it’s really over, using ambiguous statements like, “I think we should take a break,” or “I need to focus on me right now,” are just excuses to avoid addressing the real problems in the relationship; they also leave your partner hanging onto a tiny hope that you might one day come back to them.

Perhaps you want to keep the lines blurred in case you change your mind, but leaving little “hooks” causes your ex to suffer unnecessary strife over the split. And when they figure out that your version of ‘the end’ wasn’t very clear, get ready for the arbitrary drunk dials in the middle of the night demanding real answers.

When you want to dump someone, be clear and don’t leave anything up for interpretation. If you aren’t one hundred percent sure about dumping them, try broaching your concerns with your partner instead.

7. Breaking it off during a fight
Don’t try to punctuate the relationship by picking fights. It makes you seem haphazard, and there’s too much of a chance that your partner won’t take it as seriously, believing that the end was provoked by anger, not real problems. They’ll be relentless about talking it out and patching things up, and thus begins the post break yo-yo effect. if you don’t want to be pestered into having an actual fight about the nature in which things ended, make it easier on them and yourself: don’t provoke, revoke.

8. Dumping them on a special occasion
What better way to celebrate a birthday than going out for dinner with your sweetie, at least until the bomb gets dropped: you’ve just been informed them that it’s the last dinner that you’ll ever have together. Here they were, about to share their special day with you, and you deliver the worst -and most unexpected- news. Wha?!

Don’t dump someone on or right before a day that has special meaning to them. Also of importance, have the courtesy of acknowledging that your meet up is not going to be your usual, fun outing and is instead, reserved for having a discussion of a more serious nature. If you don’t lead in with the expectation that there are important issues to discuss, your partner will feel burned that you were being misleading.

But you don’t want to get caught up in a situation of perpetually postponing a breakup either. Waiting until after Valentine’s day, Christmas, your anniversary, etc., will really only hurt them more, especially knowing you were holding off to ‘spare their feelings’ so that the two of you could enjoy the occasion without any drama. But hopefully you’re tuned into your emotions enough to do the deed well before the next milestone rolls around.

9. Rushing friendship
Certain couples are better off just being friends, so when love is gone, the two of you might still have enough left over to keep it amiable. It’s legit to tell your ex that you would like to stay friends after you’ve delivered the bad news, but give them some time to absorb the new arrangement before making any moves to establish the platonic side of your relationship. If you’re meant to stay friends, the feeling has got to be mutual, so if the ex doesn’t come around right away, allow the dust to settle and keep your efforts at salvaging a friendship on the backburner.

Final Thought
No one is immune to the sting of getting scrapped -and karma can be a bitch- so keep abreast these dumping don’ts and just do it right! Be up front and keep your delivery as respectful as possible.

Posted: 17 Aug 23:11