Partner can't get an erection
I'd love to hear from guys on how to approach this issue with my boyfriend. He doesn't get hard at all, and he can't stay inside me. I can't even tell that he comes, even though he says he does, which surprises me because he doesn't ever have an erection. This has happened several times and he never mentions it, like he thinks it's normal. I really like this guy, or I wouldn't bother because the sex is very unsatisfying to me. Foreplay is great and all, no complaints, but I want sex, regular old-fashioned sex. The last thing I want to do is make him feel bad, but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't understand what is going on, I guess. I've had guys not get it up before, and they always felt terrible but it was just a one-time thing, no big deal to me. This guy seems to think this is normal. He has had very few sex partners even though he's almost 40. Can it be possible that he thinks this is normal?? And if he knows it's not, why doesn't he say something?? How do I bring it up without hurting his feelings? I just want to know if it's fixable or if this is just the way it's going to be.
Sexually frustrated! Any advice is appreciated. Thanks
La Lucrezia 05/15/2007
Replies:
I went through the same with one guy I dated (for 3 months), not too long ago. He felt this was perfectly normal and there was nothing wrong with only being able to get him to climax through a very long hand job, and he could not maintain an erection for intercourse. I tried a blow job for an hour and 15 minutes, not that I was staring at the clock, I just noticed the time. Still nothing.
I sat down and asked him point blank what was happening preventing us from having intercourse. He told me this happened with all his previous partners. I did not act upset by it, I just felt he owed me some type of insight how to help fix the issue. He was also 40, I did not feel his ego should be that frail not to have an open discussion about sex. I can understand men having issues with anxiety, not wanting to have to explain the sex issue, etc. But there does come a point where it's impacting the other partner and ignoring what's happening destroys the dynamics of the relationship.
He was going to go see a doctor about it, but never followed though with it. The situation never got better, the relationship ended. He also had other health issues which he did not choose to pay attention to either.
Just try to be open and honest with him ( I am assuming this is not a new relationship) and let him know you are supportive of him. Good luck!
sera300
thank you so much. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who's had this experience. I'm sorry your guy never followed up. I'll just be quick and direct about it. It doesn't make me upset or insecure, it is just very weird for me that he seems to think this is normal when I know it's not. I guess I need to do this soon or my frustration will grow and I don't want it to ruin our relationship. It is pretty new. We just started having sex after our HIV/STD results came back. I feel a bit aggressive and impatient getting this issue out there, but I don't want to wait. It will just stay the same, and I want to know now what I'm in for. If the sex doesn't measure up, I don't think I can stay with him. Let's hope there's a solution that doesn't involve an hour-long hand job. That's too much for me. I like making out and foreplay, but I need a guy who can just f*** me good and hard sometimes. I'm passionate and I like that in men too. Am I being too picky??
La Lucrezia
I don't think it's being too picky. I can understand new relationships sometimes take time to get on the same page sexually, I understand men don't work on command, nor do we. But a satisfying sex life is important to me (as he said it was to him).
The most disturbing part is what you identified and I found the same; they feel this is a normal sex life and see no problem with it. It's "well, it's always worked this way, so it normal". No change, exploration, & no deviation. And their actions and perceptions almost make you believe you are asking for too much. After 3 months, seeing each other nearly every evening, we successfully had intercourse 3 times with him orgasming once.
The hardest part, I put no pressure on him. I am probably the easiest person & most understanding to talk to. Here was the end of the relationship, he called me one night on his way home from work to end the relationship, stated "you'll end this relationship as every other woman has on me b/c of sex, so I am ending it". What became evident was I was the only one willing to work through an issue, and he obviously had underlying issues which were creeping in. I had also begun to notice he was very self absorbed. Never heard from him again.
If it's a new relationship, find out what's happening just don't put him on the spot as if he is doing something wrong. Just try to understand what the real issue is. And then decide if it's something you can work with. You cannot fix a problem by yourself when the other does not identify (or ignores) there is one.
This was he first time I encountered this issue and I was as baffled as you. I felt I was doing something wrong.
sera300
This is not normal. If he never acquires an erection it is time for him to visit a urologist; if it is onbly with you, then there are issues you two need to del with.
I guess it is possible that he thinks this normal but I have never known a man who made it through puberty and adolescence without a hard-on! Time to talk to the doctor.
Brandye