OP: Scared of letting him 'inside' of me....

I really don't know how to put this without sounding stupid. I'm female, still in high school. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. He is so sexy, I can't wait to see his face and be near him. We make out all the time, passionate rubbing, oral sex, but I am just so scared to let him "inside" me. I am so attracted to him in every way, but I just can't get past that one thing.

I'm trying not to make it sound like it's him, I can't let anything "inside" me. It's not that I am scared of sex, even when I masturbate, blush, I rub all over my clit and get the most amazing orgasms. I'm talking, mind blowing, loss of breath, hell even my feet go numb, ORGASMS. I just am so afraid of anything inside of me that I can't even put my own finger inside me. I have tried to get over this fear and when I just start inserting a finger inside myself I am so afraid I am going to hurt myself that I have to stop.

Is there something wrong with me? Does everyone go through this phase? Am I a lesbian and just don't know it yet?

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:02


You're sexually attracted to a male and you're wondering if you're a lesbian? NO, YOU'RE NOT A LESBIAN.

But you are a vaginal virgin and are worried about your hymen. I strongly suggest that you consult your gynecologist.
You may not even have a hymen - their presence is not guaranteed.

Next, the vagina is built to go through childbirth and there's nothing rougher than that so most likely, in the absence of some medical condition of which you may be unaware, (hence seeing yur gynecologist) your fears are groundless.

Please be absolutely sure that you're on birth control, that he uses a condom that fits him and include a spermacide to protect from STDs/STIs and pregnancy. BEFORE you have penetrative sex with him which btw is not mandatory.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:02

Please don't think that because you're completely healthy and physically capable of receiving a penis,
Or because you've convinced yourself that you shouldn't be scared,
Or because you've come to a point where you're not really scared no more,
Or because you feel there are no objections to why you shouldn't let him inside,
That it means you HAVE TO let him in.

The truth is; it's all about the YES! Not about the no's. You don't even have to let the tiniest finger in, unless you want to. That's the key: the wanting. The craving. I strongly suggest to wait until the moment you really want to feel him inside of you. That's a definite "yes" that you're ready. When you've come to that moment, preferably wait with penetration till the point you've had one or a few of those great orgasms you're describing. That you are basically ready to tear his skin off, because every instinct inside you howls to have something inside you. Which could simply be a finger to start with. That will make it very unlikely for you to feel hurt. Actually; it makes it likely to be a pleasurable experience! :)

Don't feel bad about anything. There's no need to. You're perfectly right the way you are! It's actually wonderful that you're as orgasmic as you are :) There are many girls and women who never experience that intensity! Don't force things. Don't forcefully hold back. Let the flow take you wherever you want to. Don't feel bad when one day this wanting starts to roar and you suddenly gain momentum. Just be prepared for that it could happen and you can't predict when (have condoms ready!).

Personally, I've waited for that moment. I loved the first time he put a finger inside me. I even had several orgasms (only 25% of all women have orgasms from penetration alone, but who says you aren't one of the lucky few too?). And my "first time" was absolutely wonderful! Spectacular, I must say :) And all that despite the fact that I did (and still occasionally do) put my vagina into complete "lock-down" by involuntarily cramping up every muscle.

There's a lot of debate on what makes a good first time. Mostly because people expect to see rainbows without having to do anything and feel disappointed when it didn't happen. Some just "have it over with", because they think they can't expect anything good from a first time. I'd say that's a way of rob yourself from a good experience, because that means you won't ask for anything to make it so. When that moment comes; do expect to have fun, feel relaxed, comfortable, happy and pleasured and make sure your expectations are met by your bf!


Posted: 08 Oct 23:03

A hymen can come in many different shapes, sizes, thicknesses, and hole patterns. They are not all the same from person to person.

I recommend that in addition to EEK's sage advice that you also do some exploring on your own by taking a hand mirror in good light (even a flashlight) and look at yours! Many are crescent shaped and can partially or mostly cover the vaginal opening. Inserting a finger depends more upon the size of the opening than the size {diameter) of a finger.

A person's hymen may or may not include one or more holes in the membrane itself that can be of varying sizes; therefore, by going on an "inspection tour" you might learn that you have a very small opening between the edge of the membrane and the vaginal wall, and/or one or more openings in the membrane. To each her own!!

You might also be interested in an exercise that you can do to expand this opening. You can partially fill a bathtub with warm tepid water and sit in it in order to warm and soften the hymen. After sitting in the water for a few minutes and relaxing, begin the exercise by trying to insert your finger thru the opening, not pressing against the skin of the hymen itself. This may or may not prove successful as you have noted. To do the exercise, whether you can insert a finger or not, gently tug against the edge of the hymen and hold the pressure momentarily. Repeat this a few times over several sessions in an attempt to make the membrane of the hymen more compliant.

Over the course of several days you should be able to insert a finger or perhaps even two.

When the time is right for having intercourse, take your partner's penis and place it against the edge of the hymen and wall of the vagina. You know where P & V are, plus where the opening is, your partner does not and will likely place the tip of his penis against the hymen in an attempt to tear it. Regardless, expect some momentary discomfort, although not necessarily. Your partner should not push, shove, or jab his penis against the hymen (if it does exist) or into you; rather she should gently press against you. Get it?

IMPORTANT to know: Very often a girl's hymen will have eroded away by the time she has reached her mid teens due to physical exercises and participation in sports, horseback riding, etc. This is another reason why self exploration is important. Doing so also gives you something else to discuss with your doctor. Brandye, or resident M.D., often says to girls/women who are planning for first intercourse to visit their doctor and discuss any questions and concerns and to make sure "all systems are a go". The doctor might recommend making a small nick in the hymen in order to make penetration easier. This is also the time to discuss birth control and contraception options. You may want to begin using the pill, or, you may want to try some other form of highly reliable form of prevention. Also, there are pills and there are pills. Discuss your options with the doctor and be prepared to make a change in your medication on the off chance one prescription does not work well for you. You should not expect "the pill" to begin protecting you from the start; rather, you should use them completely thru one menstrual cycle, first! So, plan ahead and make certain your partner understands why.

Next, do not rely upon each other for your protection, AND, do not engage in intercourse with just one of you using protection! If you do not want to be an unwed mother, use some form of highly reliable form of contraception! If your boyfriend does not want to become an unwed father with the responsibilities that come with this, he must wear a condom! As EEK noted, he must wear a properly fitted one and this means he must buy two or three different sizes and try them all before deciding which is correct!

Third: The two of you should absolutely positively use a third method between you--a spermicide gel.

Why are we insisting on so much protection? BECAUSE AT NO OTHER TIME IN A YOUNG WOMAN'S LIFE WILL YOU BE AS LIKELY TO BECOME PREGNANT AS YOU WILL BE IN YOUR TEENS AND EARLY TWENTIES! If the two of you wish to engage in adult activities then you must be adult and prepared regarding the possible consequences.

Lastly: Why are we telling you all this? It is better to be informed and prepared than to be shocked and surprised. You will know when the time is right for intercourse. You will also know when the partner is the right person. You may end up having intercourse later than sooner and this is A-OK.

I hope we have been helpful. Got questions?



Posted: 08 Oct 23:03

As you describe the situation, your reluctance is psychological. Just because you want to does not mean you have to engage in vaginal sex. However, there is a fine line between reluctance and resistance that is psychologically driven. The condition, known as vaginismus, is an involuntary clenching of the muscles around the vaginal entrance that makes penetration impossible. This condition is generally considered to be psychological and, dealt with early, is completely treatable and can be overcome.

You do not mention use of tampons. In extreme cases a woman cannot insert tampons. You are at an age that a complete gyn exam is indicated. Yes, this will involve the physician's finger entering your vagina. I urge you to have a gyn appointment very soon and you must discuss this fear with your doctor. Each time a woman experiences a "failure" to admit a penis, it becomes more likely that she will have the same experience "next time." It is better to prevent this beginning than to have to overcome it.

Caution: there are many sites on the internet that sell literature or programs to deal with vaginismus. This is not a self-treatable condition. With proper assistance from your doctor or her referral to a sex therapist experienced with this, the prognosis is quite good. It is nothing to leave to amateurs.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:03

> I just am so afraid of anything inside of me that I can't even put my own finger inside me. I have tried to get over this fear and when I just start inserting a finger inside myself I am so afraid I am going to hurt myself that I have to stop.

Have you thought about what you are actually fearful of? If you haven't, you might want to do some self examination about what fears or concerns you have not yet come to terms with.

Yes, it is possible that you might hurt yourself; however, think of all the women who do insert dildos, vibrators, douche bulb tubes, tampons, fingers, cucumbers, Ben-wa balls, utensil handles, and, yes, even a penis on a daily basis with never an injury. This begs the question of why you think you might be any different--except for preferences?

Just a point of clarification for all of us reading this thread: do you have an intact hymen? Has your hymen been torn or even eroded away? If intact, are you attempting to insert your finger between the hymen's edge and vaginal wall, or, have you been arbitrarily pushing against the membrane?

Are you aroused and wet when making an attempt at insertion? Regardless, I suggest also using a water based lubricant all along your finger and more inside for good measure. (Some lube containers will let you squirt the product a little bit.)

Have you thought about the fact that your vagina is designed to have babies traverse? Unless and until you analyze these fears, they remain illogical and unfounded, therefore, why bother being afraid, don't you have something better to be concerned about? You are not psychologically ready for this activity. Give yourself some additional time to mature. In the meantime, if the two of you want to get horny and act out, I'm here to tell ya that oral sex play yields stronger orgasms than intercourse much of the time. So...? Oral for the foreseeable future....


Posted: 08 Oct 23:03

Her education be to blame? Has she been so bludgeoned over the head with this "nice girls don't ever" stuff that she's actually afraid that something dire will happen to her if she does put something inside her vagina regardless of what that item might be?

Examine what specifically you're afraid of and WHY. Because I'd be willing to bet, most of what you've been taught is FALSE.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:03

I want to thank everyone for their responses, you were all very helpful. Some of the responses were very scary to me. Thankfully I had an exam about a month before my post, so I knew everything was o.k. down there. The doctor did tell me that my hymen was gone, said that given my extremely active lifestyle she would have been surprised if I still had it.

Until I was reading your responses I never gave it a thought that the doctor had inserted her fingers and some instrument in me so, it had to be a psychological problem. I was uncomfortable but trusted her, she's a Doctor after all.

I showed a friend my post and everyone's comments. She said she never had a problem and that if I wanted she would let me borrow one of her "toys". When I went back to her place she convinced me to masturbate together with her, not like that, we were under separate covers. I felt better having someone there that I trusted while I explored myself.

After some practice I thought would with my boyfriend again. We tried with me on top and with him on top and finally after about a half an hour he was finally inside, FINALLY! The only bad thing was that he got so worked up that he came immediately after he entered me. We tried again after about an hour and it was wonderful.

We have had sex six more times since and it is getting much easier. We just need to find more time to be together without any parents present ;-)

Thank you all again. You were all so helpful that I may have to post some more questions that I can't figure out.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:03

> Thank you all again. You were all so helpful that I may have to post some more questions that I can't figure out.

As for me, you're welcome. Anytime you have unanswered questions regarding life, love, romance, and/or sex, please do post them here.

> We just need to find more time to be together without any parents present ;-)

This is a common situation for boys and girls living at home. Now that you have chosen to have sex accompanied by raging hormones it is difficult to manage raging emotions, also. These are some of life's lessons that each of us must learn to manage on the road to becoming an autonomous adult.

Years ago when automobiles were larger, kids made out in the back seat on the top of the hill at the end of "Lovers' Lane" that overlooked the town--or, something similar. These days there are still country roads with wide spots, there are still walking trails that you can take along with a couple of blankets, two pillows, and a picnic lunch or dinner. Now that the weather is beginning to improve north of the equator, you might give this a thought. Exercise your imaginations!

> I never gave it a thought that the doctor had inserted her fingers and some instrument in me so, it had to be a psychological problem.


That instrument was a "speculum". If you would like to learn more about these instruments, just GOOGLE the name and lots of information will appear.

It is very very common for a young man to become so aroused that he loses the ability to control when he climaxes. This another one of those situations that he must learn to manage. You can help him in a couple of ways--both require either verbal or non-verbal communications on how he is responding to what the two of you are doing in the heat of the moment.
1. begin intercourse before he reaches the peak of his arousal so that there is some time to stroke and not be taken past the point of losing control as he is inserting his penis.
2. you could also bring him to the brink of an orgasm from foreplay activities and STOP everything when he indicates that he is about to climax. STOP and do not move the shaft of his penis in the slightest until he has time to slide back down his arousal curve. Then, insert and proceed as above.
3. after insertion, if he has (nearly) reached the brink, he should pause all movement until he has again gained some control of his climbing level of arousal. By stroking and pausing he can extend the length of time the two of you can enjoy intercourse before he pushes ahead to have his orgasm.

b. that said, manners and courtesy dictate that men help her to enjoy her orgasm before his, then at the end of the session, a final climax. Depending upon the position you use if you are not being stimulated sufficiently, then ask him to stimulate you manually in addition to the stroking/thrusting the two of you are doing. As noted above, not all sexual positions provide sufficient friction just from stroking.

Explore and learn together in partnership.



Posted: 08 Oct 23:04

PLEASE use birth control pills AND condoms! It is also recommended that you also use a spermicide to make absolutely sure you BOTH stay safe.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:04

I do use birth control and we use condoms with spermicide. Is there a another type of spermicide?

Now that we have the clinical stuff out of the way, is there any position(s) that I should or should not be trying? I we have been checking out all the different positions on this website together. What are everyone's favorite positions and what positions does everyone dislike the most? So far we have only tried missionary and missionary - inverted. Some positions look quite complicated and possibly painful. I am very flexible and know that I can get into all these positions but not quite sure how it would feel with his penis inside me.

Any and all help would be greatly appreciated.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:04

I said: "explore and learn together in partnership" or words to that effect.

It is good that the two of you are investigating the many illustrated and animated sexual positions on the site. Try the ones that interest one or both of you for the fun of it as well as learning whether or not this one or that one will work for you long term or are just a passing fad.

People are different; couples are different, what works well for one couple might not work for another. There is no one right answer. The quip "try it, you'll like it" may or may not prove useful but until you give those of interest a try, you'll be left wondering.

Are you familiar with internet search engines and how to use them? Whether you use GOOGLE, Ask, or another, if you type in a word or term, they will search their database for information.

Using GOOGLE and typing in "spermicide brand" will present lots of options. In addition to gels that come in "toothpaste-like" tubes, there are films, foams, and, sponge. Do some looking around and if you have questions, I'll be back later today.

It sounds like you are enjoying your adventures.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:04

I realize everyone is different and will inevitably like different things. I was just looking for what other people like and don't like as to narrow down the most common things to try and not try. We will eventually explore beyond that but as for now, our time together in a intimate atmosphere is extremely limited. I wasn't looking for a manual or anything, just general information.

Now off to run my Saturday 15 miles, hope it doesn't rain on me.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:04

Yes, there is real spermicide
To be effective, vaginal spermicide should have 100-150 mg in your vagina. The spermicidal condoms put maybe ten in there and are more lubricating than protective. All the common "systems" put an adequate amount into your vagina. The most common, and most protective, is vaginal jelly and you need an applicator to insert it. But the "starter kir" first and then you will only need "refills." Vaginal suppositories are the most convenient to carry but they require about twenty minutes to melt and become effective and give little lubricating assistance. Vaginal foams also need applicators to insert. Vaginal Contraceptive Film comes in small, square sheets. It melts rapidly but some women have difficulty inserting it as it becomes quite sticky as soon as it becomes at all damp.

Condom and vaginal spermicide, whatever method, will almost equal hormonal birth control in effectiveness.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:05

Sex is vulnerability...
Not in the sense that you are in a loss of control to be taken advantage of (unless you want to lol).

I just mean you are literally and figuratively completely naked. Doing things with the bits of you that aren't "used" by the general public. Sex has a lot of embarrassment erroneously tangled with it, just for that sake. Just go ahead and get it out of your system, laugh at the goofy stuff that will happen. At some point if they're together enough both partners will eventually fart. Both partners will have drippy sweat. Both partners will have a drippy nose. If you eventually delve into anything anal, that opens another can of worms of "eventuallys".

All I can say is go ahead and laugh at it. When he's rough housing deep in the throes of passion and he pushes your tummy and BOOOP, all there is to do is laugh and draw him in closer. Leave the juvenile reactions at the door.


Posted: 08 Oct 23:05

You sound so cute the was you explain things. First rule it don’t hurt if you just relax and open up your legs. Try exploring with different things as your masturbating , as your rubbing yourself in heaven try using some smooth and thin like a veggie or something like that. Don’t be scared if you never had anything inside of you there will be your hymen there. Push on and watch the fire works happen, it’s better to try it alone the first time and dream about what his smooth warm bone is going to feel like. Just remember no sex without protection.

Posted: 31 Aug 02:32

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