Does any of you experience a sense of sadness and loneliness after masturbating?
I'm in a LAT-relationship for 3 years now. My bf and I don't have sex often, only the first year it was regular. This has been keeping me patient at times, but not much frustrated. I simply keep myself pleased :o Yet over the past few weeks I have discovered an undesirable effect. Whenever aroused, I masturbate, which makes me happy for a few minutes. Followed by this incredible sense of loneliness. Alone curled up in a ball in my bed crying while everything just simply hurts. I can assure you: I didn't hurt myself... Has anyone experienced something similar?
Now I must admit I'm not in the happiest state of my life here. Actually: my life is a bit of a mess... I'm not the type of person that sits down crying "woe is me" or something, but this is a bit too much. Resume: my best friend recently died, I had an early miscarriage (to my sadness and his relief), all contact is lost with my family (sadly after years of struggle), work doesn't take my mind of things (used to love it, but it has become boring since the company changed strategy) and certainly not least: my bf's health is getting worse. I'm worried about him and would like to help him cope, but all he wants is to be alone. His way of (not) coping is to fight time doing all the work he wants to do. And while feeling so miserable; all I want is to be with him. And more than ever I hunger for a bit of warmth and intimacy (not necessary sex). For the past 2 months he's not interested at all in intimacy. Although simply being with him is just a relieve; it feels safe and secure. Which I reckon is truly a gift to have someone that allows me to be/feel that way! But both our opposed needs have been enforced recently. Which leaves us both very concerned for the other, yet both craving for the thing that would be best for ourselves and both feeling guilty. It seems to be a struggle without a way out... :(
Good news is that my sexual desires are still "up" (which is funny as for just a few years ago; I had absolutely no sexual desire ;)) Yet: as we nor I seem to be able to please myself properly, perhaps that good thing is starting to become a bad thing?
Any advice/ response / sharing is very much appreciated! :)
RedRoses
Posted: 06 Oct 02:11
Just remember that because it is in a book, on tv or even here on 101 does not imply 'truth'. People give good advice willingly but in the final analysis you believe and take on board what you want.
Where some of these psychological statements come from, how the research is gathered I know not. Maybe they come out of a cereal packet.
That which folks are saying on here regarding your attitude and perseverance is quite right. You will get through.
maupassant
Posted: 06 Oct 02:30
No worries Mau, I'm rather picky on what I believe and what not :) I sometimes get to the bottom of things, sometimes I just use what I call "brainteasers" and see what I'll make of that. These were the latter.
The quote on the tv show was actually sociotherapist specialized in body language, Frank van Marwijk (a little correction to my previous post in which I referred to him as psychologist). The book is a satire of Astrid Theunissen based on her own life; an attack towards today's Dutch men who want sex, but do not have the "balls" to have kids (according to her; not all men, but a hell lot ;)) Really fun reading material.
Anyways, those were my brainteasers, mixed with some prior knowledge gained through basic philosophy classes I attended in the past (like Descartes constant doubts about what reality is) and the psychology of perception which was part of my studies in university. EEK, your statement may be true, but I think the way we perceive things makes them meaningful to us as humans. I actually see it as a positive thing that whatever people consider to be real or realistic, is molded by our minds. Even if the facts stay the same, our perception of things may change. Which means the power the change, overcomes being an alleged victim of it :)
RedRoses
Posted: 06 Oct 02:30
Frankly, I'd much rather have a positive/optimistic outlook on life than not.
Why?
Although the world may not life up to my expectations - how could it?- it actually makes living with me easier.
For example - if upon coming home the first words out of your mouth are a complaint, then evening has been tainted from then on. If you focus first upon what was NOT accomplished rather than upon what WAS accomplished - you're going to drag the joy out of life and people who have enough to deal with, thank you, are NOT going to want you around.
JOY attracts.
Need I say more?
EvilEvilKitten
Posted: 06 Oct 02:30
EEK, that's what I mean by perception; how people are able to focus :)
You don't know me in daily life, but I can assure you: I smile a lot.
RedRoses
Posted: 06 Oct 02:30
Awww red i really feel for you, i live near some docks and there's a river running alongside them. I hope you don't mind me asking but do you have a dog red?? I only ask because when i'm feeling down, upset and stressed i take my dog for a walk up to the docks and the river and just sit, close my eyes and sort of meditate (i know it sounds daft but it's really relaxing) try it, even if you live near a field or a lake, just sit, "meditate" and think of all the good times you and your friend had, also another idea could be to try and persuade your guy to come with you one time (or more times if you like) just sit there and talk, you may find that it is a lot easier to talk and open up to each other and one thing could lead to another. Hope this helps.......
Babydoll200
Posted: 06 Oct 02:30
Thanx Babydoll! No, I don't have a dog. But I do meditate and I do love walks. So I can completely relate to what you're saying! I often write poems after those walks; the words seem to emerge with the steps I take :) I have recently experienced a moment of distance. Which is a bit sad, but in fact: good. Instead of the loss pressing down my chest, it has now given me space to breath more freely. It feels more like a part of me (my past) then a desire of desperately trying to revive it (even though I knew I couldn't, I couldn't help every cell of my body wanted it). I feel more energetic and calm. And typically; my bf seems to be more able to open up to me and be closer. Like; just this weekend we were having one of those long and open conversations we used to have; sharing deeper thoughts and emotions. It seems like we're getting to the calm and blue waters :) There are a few rocks and clouds coming up ahead, but with us being more strong, I feel more confident that we'll be able to guide this ship safely through it.
RedRoses
Posted: 06 Oct 02:30
Good, i'm glad to hear things seem to be on the up for you. I can relate to the writing after going for walks, i've wrote some of my best short stories either in my head while walking along and looking at all the derelict buildings (again you may think i'm weird but i'm fascinated by them) i don't just meditate when i'm outside on a walk either i often do it before i go to bed or if i have to do something which freaks me out, it's so relaxing. if you ever feel you need to talk again just pm me :)
Babydoll200
Posted: 06 Oct 02:31
RR, i wish i could say something to help, but not knowing you well, and with all you've gone through, i can't really do much, except say one thing.
Hold his hand. Remember when as a kid you were afraid to hold hands? it seemed so intimate and personal. It ALWAYS is, but most people forget that. Just talk a walk with him, hold his hand, and for a little time you can both forget about everything else.
Thecalliton
Posted: 06 Oct 02:31
Calliton, I can imagine. But I personally don't remember being afraid to hold hands or touch... I do remember as a child becoming afraid of touch that could be sexually intended and at the same time developing a craving for small hugs and touches (you know; how parents stop hugging you around 8-ish?). And later on I've seem to have developed a small personal space and I don't mind touching people.
And thanx for your concern. I'm doing a lot better. And he's too! He's one of those guys that just is cuddly; we seem to match in that aspect. That's probably why it also made me feel so lost, when he just stopped doing all those things that come so natural to him and really do make me feel good. But; we hold hands again now, not only he gives me cuddles and kisses but "asks" me for cuddles, pulls me towards him on the couch and we snuggle before we go to sleep. All those little things that matter so much! :)
RedRoses
Posted: 06 Oct 02:31
RR glad that some things are getting better and looking up. I'm so sorry that you had to go threw all that you have. i became a little teary eyed when reading about your abuse, i guess from imagining the pain and fear you felt and that i couldn't prevent it from happening. i have had to deal with some abusive situations and I'm happy that you have been able to disconnect pain and fear with orgasms. and I'm happy to hear that your bf is getting better with opening up with you and the two of you are sharing intimacy again. it is harder for men to deal with emotions and express them in a productive and healthy manner. i wish all the best for you:)
big916
Posted: 06 Oct 02:31
I'm so glad things are getting better for you RR, just for your information and anyone else who may be interested, i was reading a thread on another site i frequent and there is a condition called post-coital tristesse which refers to the sadness felt after sexual intercourse or masturbation.It is actually more common in males than females, and can last from 5-20 minutes.I believe there is a definition on wikipedia, but i'm not real good at posting links.
raunchy gal
Posted: 06 Oct 02:31
Thanx Big916 for your kind reply. Sorry to hear you've had to deal with abusive situation yourself.
And RG; those few words at the wiki seem very familiar! Certainly to what I have experienced recently. And to be honest I have deeply felt this way esp after the first few times we had sex. Feeling desperately confused and lonely, even though the sex itself was great and absolutely beautiful. Later on I got to experience a happy rush lasting longer, extending that moment we had just shared. But I must confess that bit of tristesse following, would be again strongly present when we would depart from eacho ther after. He got me overly upset once as he thought he could take me home after morning sex and it left me in a totally confused state (almost apathetic). And I couldn't tell him why... I've always thought I was weird and wrong for feeling that (like I shouldn't; I should be joy all over!) even felt guilty towards him for behaving so stupid and I've tried to hide it... It appeared we "fixed" it by just calculating enough we-time after. Funny, I hadn't thought of this at all when I started to feel like that after masturbating....
RedRoses
Posted: 06 Oct 02:31
Remember to breathe. ;)
EvilEvilKitten
Posted: 06 Oct 02:31
