OP: Is S&M justifiable?

I've been struggling with something lately: Is S&M justifiable?

Let me first say that as someone who enjoys a bit of "kink" and dominance/submission play, that I want to leave it in the bedroom. I want to have a healthy relationship with someone that has a dynamic based on independence and mutual respect. However, sexually speaking, I find myself drawn to the opposite. I enjoy sex in which I am in control and my partner is submissive to my desires.

The question is: Can you keep this dynamic isolated, both consciously and subconsciously, to the bedroom? and How, if it is possible, can you be to maintain a healthy relationship while enjoying S&M?

I'd really appreciate all of your opinions. I really don't know.


Posted: 03 Oct 22:51


Hey there Ephemera. How's it going?

BY S&M do you mean sex involving pain -spanking, whipping, pinching or clamping,hair pulling, rough and aggressive? I notice you mention being in control and your partner being submissive to your desires in your post. Do you mean things like telling here what you want and she conceding it - stroke me here, get on your hands and knees, crawl acroos the floor on your stomach until you reach my feet then worship me as a sex god? Just keep it "in the bedroom." It's only a game anyway. The only thing real about it is the new sensations that it brings to sex.

All the above is bedroom play, unless you do it in some other part of the house. Most B&D and S&M aficionados keep it "in the bedroom." If you enjoy that sort of sex and you have a partner who enjoys it what's the problem. Be happy. Kink out! You know I was restraining and subjecting willing partners to "physical discipline" for 20 years before I ever heard the term "domination and submission." Since then I have met a number of D/s couples. Most D/s people I have met believe that the D/s "dynamic", as they call it, extends to all parts of their lives tend to be adamant that it is not about sex at all; that sex is merely a part of it.

My wife and I are active members of the local BDSM community. We know several couples who tried the D/s thing and found that it actually caused problems in their relationship. Some couples found that switching made it better. In a "switch" relationship partners take turns being dominant or submissive rather than always being in the same role. The woman (submissive) in one of the couples came up with a brilliant, yet simple, solution. She was unsure whether she could continue in the D/S "lifestyle" until she realized that it is only a game. Hey I said that two paragraphs ago!

Now I know that some "real BDSM or D/S" people might read this and say "dlb has it all wrong, he is a mere kinkster, a bedroom player, not a real BDSMer because domination and submission is the whole point." For me the whole point is sex; sex involving different sensations and situations. Sometimes my wife and I extend the game outside the confines of our home, but in real life our relationship is also based on independence and respect as well as equality. While we belong to a community of people who know that I am very able with rope and bullwhips even they don't know what really goes on between us and the rest of the world has no idea. It's sort of a naughty secret between the two of us. My wife likens our BDSM activities to having an affair; a tremendous rush because it's something that most people don't approve and no one knows about it except us.

Keep it in the bedroom Ephemera. And remember-it is just a game that involves sex. Also if you are not familiar with the terms Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) they are mostly self explanatory, but you might want to look them up.


Posted: 03 Oct 22:51

I've always thought of it as a sort of game, but it seems extremely unlikely to me that it can stay in the bedroom. If you don't mind my asking, does your wife ever seem moody about it either before or post sex?

I'll look up those terms. Thanks.

It also seems like finding someone with these interests is hard. I mean, how do you bring up to someone you don't know that well what you're into, sexually?

This may sound weird, but to me, "normal" sex sounds only appealing with someone I really, really care about. Of course this is in combination with the D/S sex I mentioned earlier.


Posted: 03 Oct 22:51

My wife is most calm and complacent after an intense session of sex, especially a very good bondage and or discipline session. Perhaps that is the domination in evidence because she is usually very nervy and bossy. We do this because she enjoys it and my BDSM skills now extend to things I never imagined existing before we met.

I think should get to know someone quite well before engaging in BDSM sex. It is my way of thinking that a couple becomes familiar with each other in through vanilla or "normal" sex before moving into BDSM. You and I seem to look in opposite directions on that. But, I feel that the more comfortable you are with a person the kinkier you can get with the person.

You seem to be somewhat concerned that there is something wrong with your attraction to S&M. There's nothing bad about it. You just have to be tolerant of those who find it unappealing. If you can make contact with a local group you might find out about events or activities to help you work through some of these concerns. Also once they get to know you there is the chance of being invited to play parties and meeting people who might be interested in playing with you. Mind you it is usually looked frowned upon to use play parties as a way to pick up a date, but people do meet at them and relationships do grow out of them-or just the opposite.


Posted: 03 Oct 22:51

S&M isn't the issue really - your thought that " but to me, "normal" sex sounds only appealing with someone I really, really care about" is an issue.

Because, if you don't really, really care about your S&M play partner - do you have any real idea of what a hell you could get yourself into?

It might serve you better to address your apparent fear of emotional involvement in sexual relationships.

BTW - be aware that the real power is held by the the "submissive" because at a word from him/her - all play stops immediately and without question. Yes, the attitudes, etc. can permeate beyond the bedroom - depending upon those involved.


Posted: 03 Oct 22:52

You're right, EEK.

How does one manage to keep the attitudes in the bedroom? When I was in my longest relationship it didn't seem to be a problem, but in retrospect, I guess I wasn't as conscious of what was going on in her head.

And yes, I probably have some typical intimacy problems in regards to this. I've only slept with one person, to be fair, though. Maybe I just need to get my feet wet.


Posted: 03 Oct 22:52

Well there you go. You have only slept with one person. There is nothing like experience and learning from experience to make things easier each time around the track. And I still think you have some sort of repressed guilt,or abhorrence even, over what is a fairly common sexual taste.

Keeping it "in the bedroom" is not that difficult. It's a question of maturity. You can behave one way in the bedroom because you are lucky enough to have a partner who allows you to behave that way with him or her. You behave another way outside the bedroom because you are (hopefully) a mature, decent, respectable young gentleman. Among the people in the scene that I know, even the most severe, intense, sadistic doms are perfect gentlemen and very tender, respectful and compliant with ladies, especially their own, when outside of a scene.


Posted: 03 Oct 22:52

One simple way to Keep It In The Bed Room is to wear a collar. If the Collar is ON, Play Time! If it is Off Betty Crocker Better House Keeping. Or some other symbolic item, a bracelet or some such thing.
My own experience is that a Safe, Sane, Consensual, (or Two out of three). REQUIRES better communication between the partners than a Vanilla Marriage. For example, there are what I call 'Triggers', One Absolute 'Out There' serious Masochist I know can be spanked and whipped with any toy or whip or anything and She will Get the Big O several times during a session. Touch Her Butt with a leather belt and She will try and KILL you. The reason is that Her father used to beat Her with one as a child. So COMMUNICATE!
Also, EXPERIMENT. You do not know if you want a spanking to stop when you are cumming until you try it. If it works, great! If not, use the Safe Word and say oops, sorry about that.

Posted: 13 May 16:58

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