Hi. I'm a guy, first of all, so I hope it's ok for me to post in here. I wanted to discuss something my girlfriend seems to be going through.
I am afraid that she has some very negative perspectives on sex. I don't know the full story, because it's very painful for her to talk about, and I think she's also afraid of what I will think of her, despite the fact that we have been dating for a year.
For starters, I believe her first time was at a very young age, like 14. And I'm pretty sure it was against her will, although she didn't describe it as rape. Since then, she has had a ton of ****ty boyfriends. Sexually, I don't know what most of them have done to her, or made her do. I do know that her last boyfriend before me slept with a prostitute while they were dating, and didn't tell her about it until months later. He was a major *******.
I know she also had a boyfriend in high school who once, when he was mad at her, held her over a set of train tracks and I guess threatened to kill her. Needless to say, I would never think of doing any of these things. It sickened me to hear her talk about it. Our relationship is much more open and trusting, and I think I have helped her self-esteem a lot. But there's still a lot of work to be done. And I'm guessing there's still a lot I don't know about.
Also, in freshman year of college, her parents found out that she was no longer a virgin, and they threw her out of their house. It was Spring Break and she had to spend the entire week at a friend's house. Her parents called her a whore, and when the semester was over, it was up to her to figure out how to get home from college (7 hours away), and then when she was home, they barely spoke to her the entire summer. They are back on speaking terms now, but they never apologized to her and I don't think they ever sat down and discussed it like they should have. They just let it go, and I know my girlfriend still resents them for this.
While there's not much I can do other than lending a sympathetic ear, I know that she really needs to talk to someone about these issues. They never seemed to effect our sex life (although once, in the heat of the moment, I think I called her a whore or something really bad. This upset her a lot, but I apologized profusely, and to this day I still feel terrible about it), but deep down I know she hasn't dealt with her emotions properly. She acts like she has gotten past all of it, but in subtle ways, I think these problems are still effecting her everyday life.
She should really see a counselor or a therapist, but how am I supposed to suggest that to her? I like to talk to her about these things, but I'm no therapist, and I may not be able to heal her psyche the way she really needs. Any advice about this?
plax_max_34
Posted: 23 Sep 23:38
Sit down with her, and tell her what you just told us. You love her, and you want to support her, but you're concerned about your ability to help and you wanted to know if she'd considered talking to a therapist. Tell her you'd be glad to go with her if she wanted support, and that you don't think she's messed up or has problems, but that you are worried about her and you want to make sure that she's happy. Stress that your concern comes from love.
JustAGirl
Posted: 23 Sep 23:38
The above poster replied exactly what I was thinking. Supporting and listening
to someone is so important. Although you may lack "therapist knowledge", your
understanding cannot be underestimated. Self esteem is something that generally
comes from within oneself. Important thing is to remember everyone has different
problems and that she is not alone and maybe that is one of the best gifts you could ever
give.
constantlylearning
Posted: 23 Sep 23:38
Hear Hear!!! I totally agree with JustA and CL. It sounds like you and your gf talk about this often. If you're afraid to bring it up for this purpose, next time it does come up, ask her if she's ever thought about getting counseling. Then go for the convo JustA suggests.
lnt1103
Posted: 23 Sep 23:38
I figure that if you are open enough and care enough about each other you CAN bring up the POSSIBILITY of needing therapy with a person that you love. You just have to do it properly. My gf had a few issues that she needed to work through, and I at one time did suggest the possibly of her needing to see a therapist. But, I only talked of the possibility. We talked about what her issue(s) was, and we came up with a plan to work on the issue(s). It was at that time that I talked to her about if OUR plan did not work, that she may to see a counselor, to help get past it. She was very open to it when talked about in that manner. In the end OUR strategy has worked wonders. She still has a ways to go, but she definently come alot further than I thought she could in a short time frame.
TnL329
Posted: 23 Sep 23:38
Sometimes being a "best friend" requires more work than being a significant
other. Your question and the way is was delivered seems to ooze compassion
and sincere emotion. Use that to do what feels right and Help Her. Also, just
listening and being there for someone can help more than you could ever imagine.
Knowing you are not alone and that there is another who is sympathetic to your
plight can really do wonders. I applaud you for caring enough for another person
to try and help. This world could use a little more compassion.
constantlylearning
Posted: 23 Sep 23:39
TnL-sounds like she is a very lucky woman indeed. I hope she's good at letting you know how special you are to her.
lnt1103
Posted: 23 Sep 23:39
