Worried about being a nympho...
Hey, I guess this isn't really a sex topic, but I just wanted to get some peoples insight about something. I'm 17, a virgin and am relatively innocent. But I have an extreme kinky side that frightens me sometimes. My mom's a diagnosed nymphomaniac (addicted to sex) and I'm very worried that I may be one as well. I think that's why I've avoided sex as long as I have. I already masturbate at least once every other day, sometimes twice a day and that seems like a lot to me!
Also, I'm into S&M stuff. Like spanking, biting, being held down and what not. I like to do that stuff while making out, but I'm worried that it may freak out a future partner.
I'm also terrified about having sex and finding out that I'm just like my mom. Her addiction to sex ruined all of her relationships. It ruined her four marriages (problems being faithful) her friendships (she tried to seduce like every man and woman she knew) and her relationship with her children (when I said every man and woman, I seriously meant every man and woman. She and I haven't talked since she and her boyfriend tried to coerce me into sex games with them).
Maybe I just grew up with a really distorted view of sex and am frightened by it. But I still want it, and I'm totally comfortable with masturbation, and I love it. But bringing another person into my sex life would be a really big step for me. Plus, I'm worried they'd be freaked out by my S&M side. Even while making out I can get a little carried away, like I'll start biting and scratching. Luckily, the only guy I've ever done that with loved it and gave me the same treatment.
Does anyone have any ideas about my fear of sex? And what do I do if I am a nymphomaniac? Do you think I naturally like sado-masochism stuff or do you think that me being into that stems from my negative views about sex? I'm worried that I think I need to be 'punished' for enjoying sex, even now when I masturbate, I often scratch myself but the pain only makes it more enjoyable. Anyway, I'm rambling so I'll wrap this up. Any input or suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated! Thanks all :)
555Diana555
Replies:
Hm.
I don't think you have to be like your mother. If you're aware of the problem, you can treat it. Perhaps seeing a counselor could help you work through the worries you're feeling.
And don't worry about being into S&M! Lots of people are... just be educated about it and play safely.
Don't let yourself be terrified for too terribly long about bring someone into your sex life. Sex is a wonderful thing to share with someone else. You don't want to miss out on it because you're worried about being a nymphomaniac. You're not your mother.
Oh, and use a condom.
Ephemera
First off this is a sex topic.
As for your mom, no one has been diagnosed as a nymphomaniac since 1987 when the term nymphomania ( along with it's counterpart Don Juanism) was removed from the DSM-III-R which was at the time the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental disorders. Nymphomania does not exist. Likewise sexual addiction was removed from the DSM-IV in 1994. So it sounds to me as if at the very worst your mom enjoys sex very much. That she would want you, her daughter and a minor, to participate in sexual activity with her and her boyfriend is disturbing. That sort of behavior is not accepted by any society that I know of.
There is nothing abnormal about the frequency with which you masturbate. You should not be embarrassed or frightened by your own sexual desires. If you are seventeen years old and have not yet had a sexual partner that is fine. You may want to wait longer. Having sex with another person is not a kids' game it is something that requires a certain level of emotional maturity and security. You will know when you feel right about having sex.
It is very normal to enjoy the sort of activity that you refer to as S&M. There is a lot of biting and scratching that goes on during sex that I dare say most people would not consider S&M. If you and your partner both like it there is no problem. If you have a taste for this it most likely comes naturally and is not a result of a negative view of sex. I actually have friends who are into pretty advanced S&M and they all have what seem to be very positive views about sex. Before exploring more advanced S&M you should take time to get a handle on basic straight forward sex.
Lay your fears and worries aside. You are not a freak of any sort. I think you are probably a little bit confused and want some reassurance. I certainly understand how your mother's irresponsible handling of her own sexuality could cause you to feel this way. Your life is your own. Use your mother as an example of how you do not wish your sexuality to control your life or cause your relationships with your family and friends to become dysfunctional. Be who you want to be and have a wonderful yet responsible sex life as an adult. Part of this is feeling good about yourself and who you are.
I hope this helps you some. I am sure that before the day is done some very experienced, very sexy and sexual women will comment on this thread too. I bet they will have some good advice for you from the female point of view.
dlb
Your mother's issues are NOT your issues please stop making them so by thinking you're just like her. You aren't. You cannot be just like her.
Everyone considers everyone they meet as a potential sexual partner - the first 15 seconds, in fact, is nothing else. Most men of your age think about sex every 7 seconds if not more often and the young women aren't far behind at every 10 seconds.
Your frequency of masturbation is normal to the point of being boring. And what you consider S&M isn't anything very odd either.
You feel the way you do BECAUSE you have no real experience. You have stood on the sidelines and seen how your warm, generous, and fun-loving mother has been treated and betrayed by those who should have known what they were getting into. Frankly, why she didn't marry a swinger is beyond me.
Sex is not what you fear - you fear being abandoned/alone and you have deeply rooted trust issues. (Which is your mother's fault. Involving a minor child in adult sex is just wrong.) Sex in and of itself is not to blame for this. If you hit your finger with a hammer you do not blame the hammer and refuse to use one ever again do you? Of course not. That would be isilly. But isn't that what you're doing with sex? You are seeing yourself as a "victim of sex" when sex is not the problem.
Yes, what is in your head will affect your sex life and what you permit yourself to enjoy. You really should just give yourself permission to have an orgasm. Sex is good for you but it does require careful management.
Here are some guidelines for you.
- school/career comes first
- do not get pregnant
- do not get diseased
- it is NOT love
- YOU pick him, not the other way around
The Pill, condoms, focusing on building a rich and rewarding individual life for yourself, and learning what sort of man will suit you - should keep you out of too much trouble.
Instead of running away from your sexuality in fear and loathing - face it, accept it, and embrace it with joy. Once you own your sexuality - you control it, and it does not control you.
EvilEvilKitten
Wow, thank you to everyone who has responded to this thread. I'm still not playing on having sex in the near future, but reading all your responses has quelled my fears a bit and I'm starting to think more clearly about sex. My past experience with sex has tainted my view, but like all you said, if I am ready, the time is right and I am with the right person, then it can be beautiful. I'm sure that whomever I'll be with will have to be patient and understanding, but what you all said is very true, I'm not my mother and her actions don't need to dictate my own.
thank you very much :)
555Diana555