Relation turning sour because of frigidity?
Hello everybody!
While looking for help I stumbled onto this site and since it made a good impression on me I immediately registered.
My/Our problem is as follows:
I am since June in a relationship with a nice but insecure woman of 24. We both love each other, but there´s a big stumbling block:
She´s totally adversed to sex. Not because of me (at least that´s what she´s saying ;) ) but she never liked it. She said she doesn´t feel and never felt anything. Even when masturbating as a teenager. She only feels pain after some time but no lust or excitement. The pain is both physical and emotional. She´s even having problems with kissing, petting and holding hands. When we were visiting the Louvre we saw a statue of Magdalena with one bare breast. She said she was repulsed by it and hated this statue as it reminded her of sex.
At the beginning of our relationship she felt "obligated" to give me handjobs/blowjobs. As she obviously didn´t like it I said she didn´t have to. No she is drawing back further and further. And even holding hands seems too much to her.
Obviously, she´s got an issue with sex/intimacy.As soon as I ask her what´s wrong she turns angry/agressive and starts to cry. She doesn´t have an explanation except for her strict Catholic background and the fact that her mother was assaulted as child. She once said (without much conviction?) that she might have been abused as a child but couldn´t remember it. She discraded this thought with her next sentence but it still gives me the chills. Why would someone say such a thing "for fun"?
Even her mother (!) told her to loosen up.
I know we could seek professional advice together. But - and this might be my main problem - she only says: I don´t have a problem. I don´t need sex. It only makes me feel bad. And I don´t know how to persuade her to give it a try.
I asked her if she had told her gynecologist about it. But she only told him she had problems lubricating (which might explain the physical pain).
Her first (and before me last) relationship broke up because of this and her ex also tried to seek help. So I am at a loss. I love this woman but I feel more and more frustrated. We are both 24 so sex could play a bigger role in our lifes than it actually does ...
We are both leaving for a student´s exchange program for two months so I won´t be able to seek professional help before November.
But if anybody has any advice I´d be grateful.
Cicero
Replies:
I would suggest that she immediately seek counseling for her issues. You may also want to consider this for yourself, maybe a counselor could help you understand her situation. Couples counseling may help AFTER she begins to get help for herself. There may also be something medical that causes her to have this problem. She should deffinitely talk to a doctor, like Planned Parenthood, and seek counseling. Good luck.
sexykitty
It sounds to me like she's had some kind of bad experience in the past and doesn't want to remember or has tried to block it out so she can't remember... I'd do whatever you have to and get her into counseling ASAP.
mike
Thx for the fast responses. I am quite sure we need help in this matter. But as soon as I steer toward this topic she starts breaking down. Or threatens to leave me if I press the issue. Since she doesn´t want to be reminded of anything connectedI feel we are in a No Win situation.
She has an active dislike for psychologists and told me more than once that they wouldn´t be able to help her. As she is always telling "I don´t have a problem with sex because I don´t WANT sex (or even cuddling)" it is difficult to persuade her as her logic is "flawless" from her point of view.
Any hints about "whatever you have to do?"
I don´t know what to do. I´d like to drag us into counseling if it has even a small chance helping.
Thx
Cicero
Thats a tough one... I'd talk to her friends, maybe her parents (if you think they'd be any help) and see if between all of you you can talk her into it. Personally, if all else failed I think I would just literally do whatever it took to get her there. Lies, tricks, or whatever. She may hate you for it at that moment but if you can get her there it'll help her in the long run. All IMO, of course.
mike
I think she has something inside her that hasn't come out... i would suggest help for her... it is sad because a human needs sex and intimacy to live happy lives and tests have proven this.... I would say that if you love her as much as i think you do cuz i think you really do... get her some help there is something inside her that is not happy.... and this is sad... she needs to be happy... there is nothing you can do about it she has to do it on her own... i FEEL for her and i hope she gets better:)
She needs therapy and she is being stuborn and not getting it... drag her in there if you want to... she has to talk about things. I CANNOT LIVE LIEK THIS she has to say for herself and she has to go and seek help b4 she kills herself over this... she is very much a person of keeping things in and letting anyone in... she doesn't trust people... she reminds me of me sometimes... i can be that way and i know how she feels SHE NEEDS TO DO THIS SO SHE CAN LIVE HAPPY.
nodoubt16pb
Cicero, you can't help someone who does not want to be helped. She seems perfectly at ease with her choice to avoid intimacy. I suggest you need to take a look at your relationship and decide if you can make a long term committment to your gf.
Intimacy is a very important ingredient in any relationship. It may not be sexual intimacy, but it sounds like your gf doesn't want intimacy in any way shape or form.
I think you have a tough choice to make. Without a drastic swing in her personality I don't see you being a happy camper in a relationship with her.
?wiseman?
I agree with the prior posts. There is something TERRIBLY wrong! Yes, i said TERRIBLE!
It is human nature, its genetic, to want to procreat. We wouldn't have the equipment or hormones if they weren't there for a reason.
Clearly she has psychological issues that need to be address. When she says she dosn't "need" sex, thats just her trying to rationalize her own behaviour. The "desire" to be sexual pleased and to please her partner is CRUCIAL to any relationship.
You need to decide if you want to "invest" in her recovery, because it my take a long time before she gets thru this. And,since u are NOT married, you need to think long and hard about it.
All you have to do is read some ofthe other posts here from both men and women who live in "sexless" marriages/relationships and how they're either cheating or going to divorce/breakup. Don't be a statistic!
And, while you can't "Make"her go, if she does care for you...and does belive you when you say that you want her to be fully happy with your relationship, then she may need and untimatum.
She may not "need" sex, but if you tell her that you want to be able to express your love for her in a more intimate way, and if she's not able to "accept" that wonderful gift, then she is hurting you in a VERY deep way!
You may even need an intervention!
Good luck!
Rawbob
Once again thanks for the feedback.
Though it seems there´s no easy way out ... but I feared as much myself :(
I´ve got two follow up questions: Rawbob, what do you mean by intervention? I am not from the US so I am not sure what you mean by that. Is this something like an "informal guardianship"? Sounds harsh to me, that´s why I am asking.
Nodoubt16pb: You are right about it: she doesn´t trust people. She said that to me even before we came together.
"People will let you down if you let them close." I consider this to be a terrible outlook on life, though neither should you trust everybody. Yesterday she also confessed to me that she hurt herself with a razorblade when she was younger to "relax" in times when the emotional stress was too much to bear. She stopped two years ago.
And today she told me she felt overwhelmed by life and sometime felt as if it wouldn´t matter whether she threw herself in front of a car. Once again she soothed me by explaining: "That´s just figuratively." Still this makes me want to cry. Hearing all this makes me incredibly sad and I feel powerless to help the one I love.
She told me lots of things I don´t completely understand.
She doesn´t like children. She becomes aggressive as soon as someone asks her to help with the buggy (leaving a bus etc.). She can´t express her desires. She sees herself as having to play "roles": If you want to be a "good gf" you have to spend your time with your bf even if you don´t want to. You must have sex with him even if you don´t want to. You must fulfill the roles etc. WTF?
Her last relationship dragged on for three years even though she hated it. She had sex against her will with the guy though she never said "no" but simply let it happen. She says she felt as if she wasn´t inside her body when she was deflorated. But not out of sensation but rather as a protection.
Her first words to her then-bf after this was: "If I had a knife I would stab you!"
I knew she didn´t like "giving me a hand" but she never said "I don´t want to" even though I asked her if she felt comfortable about it.
Why am I writing all these intimate details? First of all this is an anonymous board. And then I am really at a loss. This is out of my league. What I learned the last days is clearly over my head. So if onyone out there has (or better: had) similar problems or knows another board that is good and more about psychological matters I would be really glad to hear from you.
I hope this doesn´t sound too pathetic.
Regards
Cicero
This situation as i said up there is a hard one... you should make a list of why you love this woman?
1. She doesn't show love back the way you would want her to
2. Why is she even with you if she hated people?
3. She probably think you are just liek all the other men in her life.
So why do you include yourself with someone who doesn't love you..... is angry and doesn't show love all the time?
I mean is she funny.... is she really kind inside.... to me she sounds like a very lost girl and she NEEDS HELP.... you are going to milk this topic until there is no room left.... YOU NEED TO GET HER HELP or YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS.... why live in pain and suffering and cry all day DO YOU LOVE BEING SAD AND DEPRESSED?
Say to yourself she either needs to attempt to get help for both our relationship and most importantly HER or you are gone.... why live like this? It seems as though you like to be torchered like this... like as if you can save her YOU CAN'T ! She can only save herself with guidance and support from you.... if she is not willing to help herself out for you... then she is not worth your time to be brutally honest because she doesn't love you intimatly she joins with you... i think... so that she has someone to hug and cling on for the pain she suffers and not you as a human.... and to top it all off you said she doesn't even do that! So why stick in with someone who is ....liek this?
nodoubt16pb
I'm in no way a medical expert... but it sounds to me like she's suffering from depression. It's probably treatable, if you can get her to see a doctor.
mike
I agree with Mike that she's suffering from something, maybe depression. It can be hard to admit to yourself that you can't handle things that everyone else seems to handle fine. Maybe print out some articles and leave them around for her to see. There are also assessment tests she can take to see if she matches the symptoms. Try to have her get help. Tell her you are there to support her and that you want her to be happy.
sexykitty
one small question:why did you let her give you a hand if you knew she doesn´t like, it even she doesn´t say it?!
You could also say "no.i don´t want to have sex neither until we don´t check what hold you closed..." or something like that.
Like everyone else said,it must happen´ something very bad to her and she is just blocking it so you need to get her trust and than to search for help.Noone would admit he/she has problem.You cannot drag her just like that somewhere,place her in front of that person and say "she has problem.solve it!"...
So,think what do you want.Do you realy love her so much to go slow...VERY SLOW with her!?
It may take years until she recovers but for sure she will need help and support.
Are you sure you want to be THAT ONE!
Choice is yours!
If you decide to help her,take your time.It will not go easy but you have to be patient!
Good luck to both!
flower
An intervention is when you, along with close friends of hers gather to confront her about her problem and bring her to a therapist or to a facility that will help her deal with her intimacy issues!
And belive me....her problems about sexual intimacy are VERY DEEP and are most likely having other effects on her life and those who'm she loves!
Rawbob