How do you know if you're asexual?
I typed something around this area sometime last night...it was a rant...and while I have not looked at whatever ramblings I have posted last night, there's a habit I have off linking two things that may not seem logical or may not link up at the time...
Then I thought about this...
In general human culture, we believe in the equal balance of two polar opposites....and so on and so forth.
I had come across asexuality four years prior...never understood it, never will. But then this idea hit sometime yesterday.
Asexuality has two textbook definitions. Asexuality meaning that one being can multiply without sex...or if it is applied to the human species, it is a human being who cannot feel attraction from either sex. Keep in mind the human commercialism focuses primarily on male-female relationships. Thankfully we have also opened the realms to same sex relationships too.
This being said...this is just something to seriously think about. Like being homo or hetero-sexual, asexuality should be a choice that a person should be ok with as well.
But I will state this, it's nothing that I can see something positive about...truly humans are not meant to live alone, but if this is also a sexual choice, it's one that should be
- Studied.
- Accepted.
- One choice that should not be forced upon anyone.
sensualGoddess
Replies:
An asexual person deserves just as much respect as any other. And I wouldn't agree that being asexual by definition also makes you a loner. Because I don't think sexual desire is the same as social and emotional qualities. I think asexuals could be just as capable of forming relationships. It may complicate things when finding a life-partner, but that wasn't an easy task to begin with ;) Platonic relationships have existed throughout history. So why wouldn't there be a match for them?
The way I consider homo- and bisexuality is as an (innate) nature. It is not a choice. You just are what you are. The only choice there is, is whether you live it and society lets you. For asexuality this could be the same. And I'd encourage everyone to be happy with who they are! Though there is a thing about asexuality that deserves a bit of attention. Since it is known that bad experiences could make people lose their sexual desires. There could be something that's blocking it.
Personally; I contemplated on whether I was asexual for some time. Because I lacked all sexual desire throughout my teens. I wasn't happy about it, but was considering to accept it. Yet in fact; this lack was caused by not coping with sexual trauma as a child. Only as I started coping and was able to recode my first imprint by beautiful sexual experiences, it became possible for me to desire and enjoy, even with multiple orgasms :) I'm still not sure how my sexual nature should be defined exactly, but I am sure I desire.
RedRoses
Good topic! You use the term "cannot feel attraction from ..." which I would change to "does not feel attracted to ...." We know humans can and do experience this feeling and, therefore, can; some of us sometimes, or all the time, do not experience this attraction. Why? Myriad reasons, some good and some bad.
There are those who choose to live a celibate life either because they do not feel the attraction or choose to ignore. This is sometimes escapism - simply avoiding the responsibilities that come along with personal or sexual relationships - and sometimes the absence of true sexual attraction. We each live with cycles of sexual desire whether with our menstrual cycles, stress of life, physical condition or psychological condition. Death of a loved one can leave one with no sexual desire for a prolonged period.
Some never develop this desire and that can be physical (we do not know the mechanics) or psychological. The latter can come from learning or experience. It appears that one can live a healthy, productive life without sex. It also appears that some without a healthy sex life are maladjusted and less satisfied with life than they may otherwise be. Once accepted, asexuality can be a manifestation of ones' own sexuality and abstinence can be healthy. If forced into sexual abstinence, it can be unhealthy and result in mental disturbance. The world's largest mental hospital for many years was for unbalanced nuns. Is this indicative of abstinence causing mental imbalance? Maybe, but more likely there was an intervening variable of mental imbalance causing both the avoidance of sex and the later mental illness.
I can only support your conclusions that asexuality can be arrived at by oneself but should not be forced by others. Religious teachings or unrealistic expectations and standards from ignorant, controlling bodies can be extremely hurtful. The fact that either homosexuality or heterosexuality appear, increasingly, to be genetic dispositions certainly leaves the possibility that asexuality can be similarly caused.
Brandye
it would be hard for me to believe that someone is completely happy being asexual unless the void was filled with something else. i say this because of the bonding feeling one can feel during sex. touch and affection is so important to us feeling happy. for someone to not want that there must have been an event that detours them away from sex. whether it is a physical abuse, or a mental and emotional one made by a SO or the person's peers that effects their confidence and convinces them that the risk to reward ratio is too high.
i do think that one can willingly be happy with abstinence if they give their life to God. though this has to be a personal choice because not all denominations agree that this natural or necessary.
big916
My guess would be for someone who is truly asexual (as in; arrived at by oneself), there is no "void" to be filled. Only when it was a conscious choice, like celibacy, you could perhaps say something else is needed to replace or transcend it.
I much agree to the feeling of bonding one can feel while having sex. But I'd say that touch and affection do not equal sexual desire by definition. I mean; people who are sexually oriented whether homo, bi or hetero, can experience pleasant touch and affection from people who we feel no sexual desire for. Like; parents, children, family, friends, etc.
RedRoses