Not wanting sex after no sex during pregnancy
Hi there, I've been having some issues on the past with my wife not wanting to have sex as much as I would like to, to the point that we almost stopped completely a little later after she got pregnant (9 months ago). We just had a little boy a week ago (I'm very happy about it) but the problem is that after having the baby she told me that she can't wait for the 6 weeks of abstinence to end so we can have sex.
You may say that I'm mad but some how I don't like this a bit, it has been so long since the last time we had sex that I had to found some ways to relieve myself and now I find more pleasurable to just masturbate than have sex with her. It's sad I know, but I don't feel any sexual attraction for her. Its not that she is not attractive, but she just doesn't put any effort in trying to please me, for me it's like she just stays there without any move or sound just waiting for me to do all the work, and no matter how hard I try, I can't not even make her blink.
So for me it's too much effort for nothing in return, my hand gives better sex. I already talked to her about this and told her how I feel, she agrees on that she doesn't enjoy sex, and told me that she was afraid that I would cheat on her for the lack of sex, but made no effort to improve sex (I suggested many things but she doesn't want to try anything).
So, my question is, is there a cure for this? did any one had a similar problem and how did you solve it? just any comment will be appreciated
regards
Matador
Replies:
I find it odd she did not want any sex during the pregnancy and now after a child, with the residual discomfort, cannot wait?
I think after the 6 weeks are up and her OB clears her, you both have to find a way to reconnect. It sounds as if you have been discouraged and given up. I really doubt you find her unattractive, it's your not being attracted to her for her lack of interest? Is it just resentment for non-participation?
Think back to a time when sex was fun for the two of you and try to rekindle some of those feelings and thoughts. You both have to make an effort to give sex a shot and both have to be active participants. I can imagine it's a major turn off if she just does not participate, if she is really turned on now then begin the discussion now while she is more receptive.
Don't be negative about it, tell her what you would like her to do and what would really turn you on. You both have 5 more weeks to get talking to get back to some normalcy.
sera300
Do what sera said and try to reconnect with her! if you are asking questions on this forum that should mean you still love her. There are subjcts on this forum about reconnection with a partner. read them and have a honest talk with her.
tikteka57
I understand where you are coming from. Does your wife come from a religious background? I ask, because both my wife and I do and it causes problems in the area of sex. We grew up in diifferent areas of the country but recieve the same type messages. Sex was bad and forbidden until marriage. If you have sex before marriage or ever masturbate in your life then you are going to hell. In my case these messages combined with my low self esteem caused me never to date or masturbate. In fact I was 18 and in college before I masturbated for the first time. The guilt nearly drove me nuts. But I got over it. My wife did have sex before marriage and she always had and I think still has the feelings of being a slut who is going to hell.
Anyway, she was my first partner and I was just so happy that someone would have sex with me that I overlooked how boring it was. Honestly, I have never enjoyed sex with her. There are times we have a hot session but I can count them on one hand. We have been together about 13 years. After she became pregnant with our only child things really changed. We did not have sex while she was pregnant. So for nine months it was just me and my hand. During that time though is when I started realizing what my desires and wants and needs for sex were. And in the 8 years since then the sex has been as exciting as vanilla ice cream. We have talked about it and she says she will try but always has an excuse.
We seem to connect on many levels just not sexually. I am not asking her to do anything kinky i.e. threesome, sex in public, but jsut to be more active and aware of my wants and needs. Sex to her is me doing all the work while she lays there and gets the benefits. Ultimately, it seems that the message she got is sex is for you to get pregnant and if it is for fun then it is all about you. If he cums then he is satisfied...what a crock.
All that to say that the only way we have made it is by trying to be open andhonest with each other and our wants and needs. Also, unfortunately it has slowly coming to the point of acceptance of this is what life is for us. I know that may not be helpful but jsut my story.
Say Hey
Have you and your wife really considered some counseling to perhaps enhance your individual sexuality and dispel some of the feelings of guilt?
I think it really may be beneficial to you both.
sera300
Too late to talk about the relief could have been given during pregnancy. Now it is time to move on. You need to accept that some women simply do not want anything to do with sex during pregnancy; others are quite different. There are ways she could have helped but that did not happen. She expresses interest in getting back to "normal" but your brief descriptiondoes not sound like "normal" was all that great.
It is also not unusual for new fathers to resent, at some level, sharing their wife's affection with another being and mythology is full of stories, some quite gory, of fathers and sons having terrible relationships.
I strongly recommend that you take advantage of the next few weeks of enforced inactivity to get some help from a counselor becaue your feelings have been festering a very long time. This may also be a time for her to polish up her oral and digital skills.
Brandye
Say Hey
Although your life and mine before marriage are very different, the result it is exactly the same, it is amazing how the things you wrote are so close to what is happening to me. I don't know how this problems can last for so long.
I do not come from a religious background but my wife does, I was very used to pretty much have all the sex I wanted (with other gf's) while she grow up having very little experience. We did had sex before getting married, we only did it twice and it was bad, but we got married any way, at that time that didnn't seem to be an issue for me. She was (and still is) a very attractive woman, and we did get along fine, I was thinking that, eventually, things were going to get better in bed. But nothing chaged, it is almost 3 yrs now and sex is no were to be found. Suddenly I found myself on that point of acceptance that you talk about.
My guess is that Sera300 is right, this could be just resentment for all that time with no sex, perhaps counseling is the key, but is hard to break it to her like: "Hey you know?, I don't feel like having sex with you any more, why don't we try couseling? Lol It's so hard to say things like that to some one you care about.
I could just pretend, go and try to have sex with her whenever she is ready and just cum in five minutes and go to sleep but I don't want to be such a jerk ...
Thanks for the input every one ...
Matador