OP: I told my partner what kind of porn I watch and he took it personally. Am I the asshole?

I am sorry this is long but something weird happened and I don’t really know how to handle it. It has caused a strain between my partner and I, and I am starting to worry that I may have fucked up? My partner (M29) and I (F27) have been together for 4 years, and we really are best friends. We have an incredible relationship full of love, laughter, adventure, and honoring each others weirdness. The only real problems we have had seem to stem from my partner’s jealousy, usually in situations that I had no idea would cause a reaction.

So this weekend we were enjoying a night in, having some drinks and watching TV. Somehow we had gotten onto the topic of porn. We have never watched it together and have only had minimal conversations about it. I know that his preferences are what some might consider “vanilla” (straight couple, P in V, shot from dude's POV). My preferences on the other hand tend to stray into spicier territory. For a little context, I am a queer person, very sex positive, have an extensive education in gender and sexuality, and feel no shame about my relationship to porn or masturbation. I do not conflate my porn preferences with my actual sexual preferences in real life. Sometimes something just turns me on to watch but isn’t an actual fantasy that I want to act out.

Things were gearing up towards sexy time and we were talking about maybe watching something together. After talking about his preferences I mentioned that I sometimes enjoy watching content that involves multiple partners at the same time, like DP and gang bang. Again, I do not look at the people in these situations and think “Wow I wish that was me!” It just turns me on to watch and I thought I was in a safe space to be honest.

Well he got real weird real quick. He wouldn’t even look at me. He asked me why I would say that, why it turns me on, and let me know without any prompting that he would not do group sex. I kinda laughed because it all seemed a little silly to me. I told him of course I wasn’t asking for group sex, that is just turns me on to watch, and that what I like to watch to get off has nothing to do with how I feel about our sex life or our relationship. I thought I had made myself very clear but the mood was dead and gone, so we went to bed.

The next day he was sullen and distant. He said it was just a bit of a hangover but I knew something was wrong. After almost a whole day of it I asked him if he was angry with me. He said he was processing what I had said and was not angry, but didn’t know what to do with what I had shared with him, and that he didn’t want to talk about it yet. I respected that boundary and let it go for another day.

Last night I couldn’t stop thinking about it so I brought it up again. It all came out then. He went off and basically said it was insensitive of me to have told him that information because I know how jealous he can be. He said he hasn’t been able to get hard all weekend because every time he closes his eyes he thinks about me getting railed by other dudes. He seemed genuinely disgusted with me, which cut really deep. I again tried to make it very clear that the porn I watch his NOTHING to do with him, and that I don’t like being slut shamed for something that I am not asking for and have never even tried. We had a really circular argument about it that just ended in us both giving up and me going to bed early.

He is still distant, we had zero sex this weekend which is very out of the ordinary, and I am still mixed up about it all. Was I genuinely in the wrong for sharing that information with him? Should I have kept it to myself? Am I the asshole for not having thought about it?

Any advice on the situation would be appreciated. I don’t want this to fester and become something insidious between us, but I don’t want to keep picking at the scab either. I don’t know what to feel right now.

EDIT: Wow I was not expecting all of the comments that came in. I have read every single one of them and I want to thank all of you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me, regardless of whether you think I was in the right or the wrong. It has been super helpful to get completely outside perspectives on the matter.

As of right now my partner and I are good. We have gone back to baseline but there is plenty more to be discussed. I will take all of the great suggestions you have given me and use them to create more open and honest communication with the person I love. But I will also not give into shame or pressure about who I am and what I like to watch during my alone time lol.

Posted: 28 Sep 09:03