OP: Husband trying to hook up with transgendered men

For a while now, my husband has been regularly looking at transgendered and transsexual porn. He some times would print it out and hide it from me. In the past 10 years there have been a few times when I suspected he was meeting a transgendered person for sex. The reason I suspect it is that one night we were coming out of a store to our car and this flamboyantly dressed guy came up to us out of nowhere and started flaying his hand around asking my husband who I was and was I pregnant. My husband actually started explaining to this guy that I wasn't. I was shocked because this kind of scared me. I thought my husband would have cussed the guy out or threatened to hit him. When I asked him if he knew this person, because it seemed like the guy knew him, he got furiously angry and tried to push me out of the car. There were three other similar incidents like that in the past.

Anytime I have tried to discuss my suspicions with my husband he gets extremely angry and accuses me of being paranoid and not trusting him. The mere mention that I wonder if he has been with men sends him into a fury where he breaks things.

Just this past Thursday, I was checking one of our email addresses and came across a mail he had sent off to a transgendered dating site. In the mail he said that he had sent in a photo to put on his profile and wondered why it had not been done yet. So, I went to that site and put in the name he was using in the mail as login and the password he always uses for stuff online. It got me into his account. There was a lengthy profile where he checked off that he was bisexual, checked off his preferences for which kind of transgendered person, and checked off what type of penis he had. When it asked what he was looking for, he said he was looking to experiment and find a "lovely lady" to educate him.

He also posted a long post in a blog where he said this: "Retired from the military, in a job that makes me feel like I'm less then fecal matter. In a long term relationship that is more hate then love I finaly ask myself if I am happy and the answer is NO.
What is it that I'm missing is the second question. I used to believe I was hetro but now I even wonder if that is true. So many thoughts run through my head that most nights I fail to sleep, why can't I find happiness? Am I in the right relationship for me?
That is why I came here...
The ladies I've read bio's on are; happy, comfortable in their skin, proud to be who they are...
When I look at (sorry I have no better term to utilze) a transgendered lady I feel excitment, granted most of my contact has been only through porn, again I'm sorry if I offend anyone. Hence my wanting to learn more about the real life of ladies such as yourselfs.
So before I put my foot in my mouth and offend everyone in one fell sweep I ask a simple boon.
Help me understand you and life, please."

There was also an email that he sent to someone he wants to hook up with that says this: "To : ChristinaDarling
Subject : hello
Message :

I'm currently in Worcester for the next 14 days and would like to meet to see if we hit it off, my job keeps me busy untill after 7pm. I find your pictures sexy and would like to see the real deal. to put it frankly I'm a virgin to the TS world and would love an education.

I hope to hear from you."

From the dating site and the mails I was able to figure out that he also has a special mail account where he receives all this mail from the dating sites. He has 8 accounts with profiles. He has also received another mail just yesterday that says this: "Subject: Whats going on!
Date: Sat, 20 Feb 2010 10:01:33 +0800

wats up? Its xxxx from Facebook. I hardly ever use that site anymore but if youre still down to hook up and have fun you can hit me up on my msn msgr "

I left out the name.

All of this has completely devastated me. I am very hurt and feel horribly inadequate and worthless. I am worried that he might have exposed me to STDs and HIV. He works all the time out of town and never comes home unless it is a holiday or he has to do something in the office. I called him at his hotel and told him what I had found and how I felt about it. First he acted like he didn't have a clue what I was talking about, then he hung up on me when I read the emails and the blog. As soon as he hung up, he changed the logins and passwords to our online banking. He also called me and told me that he would be having the money from his pension deposited into an account I can't access.

Well, I felt that I had to go get tested right away to see if I have contracted anything. Then I went to an attorney.

I can't even describe how horrible I feel or how heart broken I am. I have been crying since Thursday, experiencing terrible anxiety and panic attacks, and just devastated and depressed. I can't understand why he is doing this. I have tried repeatedly to talk to him about it in the past. I even told him that if he felt he was no sure about his sexuality that we should separate so he could "find" himself. He always denied it and became so angry it scared me.

Yesterday he said that he did this because I don't trust him and he felt he might as well do it. He also said that I have misinterpreted what he had to say in the blog.

I really don't understand it. We have had major discussions and arguments in the past months about his need to have a set of friends that I would not know. He says he wants to be able to go out doing things with people without feeling like he needs to tell me about it. He made it very clear that he doesn't want these "friends" to know about me. He also has said that he wants separate checking accounts with his own money.

I'm saying all this so that you can understand the whole scenario. It seems to me that he wants to be married but have a separate secret life of hooking up with transgendered sexual partners. With a separate bank account, I would not know what he was spending on.

Why would he want to be married and carry on like this? Why would he want to hurt me so badly? Are transgendered and transvestite people so sex crazed that they will allow them selfs to be "picked up" and used for one night stands by guys who have a need to use them for their fantasies? The whole thing is so sick. My husband says on the websites that he likes to "watch" what they do to him. To me it seems like the transgendered partner wants to be "submissive" and he wants to feel powerful by watching him be submissive.

The thing is that I love him so much. We have been married for 15 years. I'm 55. We don't have children. Now I just feel so tired and old, useless, worthless, and inadequate. I feel so horrible that I just want to disappear into some hole somewhere and never come out.

Today he sent me emails threatening suicide and blaming it all on me. He says he wants me to die. I know that I can't be married to him while he tries to discover his sexuality, but I still care for him. I just don't know how I will get through this.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:48


You will!! One day at a time, you will get through. Wait until you hear from Kitten and she'll set you straight. No man is worth your sanity or your pride.

Your husband is a very confused man. None of this is your fault, I can't stress that enough. Do not let him get in your head. Telling you that your mistrust drove him to it is utter horsesh*t. He has caused you enough pain and it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. Get this mess behind you as soon as possible. Their are a lot of good men out their and you need to go find one.

I'll leave everything else that needs to be said to Kitten. Good luck!!

Buck Naked

Posted: 06 Oct 19:49

I agree with Buck totally. As much as you love him, your husband has been deflecting the attention from himself and burning you with this type of treatment. This is emotional abuse, and I can say that you're worth more than this. No matter how much you love him, you need to stand up for yourself and realize that you aren't to be treated this way. He is wrong, and this is a very bad situation for you to be in. I'm not sure if it's a divorce lawyer you called, but I hope to god it is.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:49

Robe - what were you thinking?!?!?!

Are ya nuts, girl? You were 40 years old and you married THAT?!?!?!
Time you grew a spine!! Sic your attorney on the lout and take him for all he's worth. Be done with the worthless male.

Stop with the "oh woe is me" stuff. You're not 13 and this isn't high school. I remain unmoved.The facts remain unchanged. You messed up big time. OKAY so caulk it up to experience and DON'T do it again.

Because you may be 55 but you're not dead yet.

Now's your chance to build the life YOU want to have. So get on with it! Get out there and get a new house, a new career, a new circle of friends - build the dream life you always wanted - you can because now you're FREE!!

Now stand up and say it: HALLELUJAH!!!! FREE AT LAST!!!

Repeat as necessary.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:49

This may or may not make you feel better but the purpose is to help you understand what you are dealing with. "Transgendered" refers to women (or, less frequently, men) who have undergone surgery to have physical characteristics of the gender they believe themselves to be rather than those they were born with. These women spend a few years, a lot of money and undergo multiple surgeries and other procedures to achieve this. Most of them are really earn their status as women in ways we genetic women cannot identify with. These women will visit sites on the internet quite different from what you are describing. There are likely some few who end up as prostitutes but the vast majority simply seek anonymity as the "new" women they have become. The sites these women visit are usually mutual support sites assisting one another in being the women they want to be.

There are also those women who go part way and, with hormonal treatment and, perhaps, transplants and electrolysis, remake themselves to appear as women while not having the complete surgery. These women, too, often have no interest in prostituting themselves, they only wish to conduct their daily lives as women. This is usually done anonymously and the fewer people who know, the more successful the woman is being. Most of these women have no real interest in sex or putting themselves in a position where their secret will become known.

The sites you have seen are of another nature entirely. They are transvestites and curious men who have found a way to share, quite openly, their mutual interests. You will find responsible transvestites who are completely heterosexual and some who are homosexual. They share the desire to appear in public as women, sometimes full-time and sometimes only on selected occasions in selected places. Some of them will put on a business suit, or work clothes, and go to work the next day as the men they are.

Then you will find those cross-dressers who are using their interest to make a living. They are hustling the curious men who are willing to pay to see someone with breasts and a penis. Or, in some cases, those with breasts and wonderfully concealed male parts. These are the dangerous sites. Your husband is playing with fire. You are, too, as long as you hang around.

You and I are very close to the same age. We are too young to be dead and too old to put with the crap you are choosing to live with. Back to the solicitor and get the divorce rolling. Retrieve what you can, materially, rebuild your self-dignity, recognizing that HE has a problem; YOU do not. He can cast blame wherever he wishes and threaten what he wants. GET AWAY!!!!


Posted: 06 Oct 19:50

Wow, I just read your whole post and I really truely feel for you! Your husband is an asshole - simply put.

To yell at you? To get angry? To throw things? To act hostile?

Aside from everything else, that right there is a sign that this guy doesn't deserve to be with a woman and certainly not you. He has serious anger issues and self esteem issues. But to get angry at you in the manner he has is completely unacceptable. I'd divorce his ass just for that.

Then for him to bad mouth you and your marriage on his dating site profile...like seriously? This dude has way more issues than trying to hook up with transgendered men. He doesn't love you. In fact, I think he doesn't really give a single hair on his back about you. Leave him. I don't care how old you are sweetheart, he is not worth the trouble and you deserve much better. I love my wife to death and would never talk to her like that.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:50

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