OP: Husband trying to hook up with transgendered men
For a while now, my husband has been regularly looking at transgendered and transsexual porn. He some times would print it out and hide it from me. In the past 10 years there have been a few times when I suspected he was meeting a transgendered person for sex. The reason I suspect it is that one night we were coming out of a store to our car and this flamboyantly dressed guy came up to us out of nowhere and started flaying his hand around asking my husband who I was and was I pregnant. My husband actually started explaining to this guy that I wasn't. I was shocked because this kind of scared me. I thought my husband would have cussed the guy out or threatened to hit him. When I asked him if he knew this person, because it seemed like the guy knew him, he got furiously angry and tried to push me out of the car. There were three other similar incidents like that in the past.
Anytime I have tried to discuss my suspicions with my husband he gets extremely angry and accuses me of being paranoid and not trusting him. The mere mention that I wonder if he has been with men sends him into a fury where he breaks things.
Just this past Thursday, I was checking one of our email addresses and came across a mail he had sent off to a transgendered dating site. In the mail he said that he had sent in a photo to put on his profile and wondered why it had not been done yet. So, I went to that site and put in the name he was using in the mail as login and the password he always uses for stuff online. It got me into his account. There was a lengthy profile where he checked off that he was bisexual, checked off his preferences for which kind of transgendered person, and checked off what type of penis he had. When it asked what he was looking for, he said he was looking to experiment and find a "lovely lady" to educate him.
He also posted a long post in a blog where he said this: "Retired from the military, in a job that makes me feel like I'm less then fecal matter. In a long term relationship that is more hate then love I finaly ask myself if I am happy and the answer is NO.
What is it that I'm missing is the second question. I used to believe I was hetro but now I even wonder if that is true. So many thoughts run through my head that most nights I fail to sleep, why can't I find happiness? Am I in the right relationship for me?
That is why I came here...
The ladies I've read bio's on are; happy, comfortable in their skin, proud to be who they are...
When I look at (sorry I have no better term to utilze) a transgendered lady I feel excitment, granted most of my contact has been only through porn, again I'm sorry if I offend anyone. Hence my wanting to learn more about the real life of ladies such as yourselfs.
So before I put my foot in my mouth and offend everyone in one fell sweep I ask a simple boon.
Help me understand you and life, please."
There was also an email that he sent to someone he wants to hook up with that says this: "To : ChristinaDarling
Subject : hello
I'm currently in Worcester for the next 14 days and would like to meet to see if we hit it off, my job keeps me busy untill after 7pm. I find your pictures sexy and would like to see the real deal. to put it frankly I'm a virgin to the TS world and would love an education.
I hope to hear from you."
From the dating site and the mails I was able to figure out that he also has a special mail account where he receives all this mail from the dating sites. He has 8 accounts with profiles. He has also received another mail just yesterday that says this: "Subject: Whats going on!
Date: Sat, 20 Feb 2010 10:01:33 +0800
wats up? Its xxxx from Facebook. I hardly ever use that site anymore but if youre still down to hook up and have fun you can hit me up on my msn msgr "
I left out the name.
All of this has completely devastated me. I am very hurt and feel horribly inadequate and worthless. I am worried that he might have exposed me to STDs and HIV. He works all the time out of town and never comes home unless it is a holiday or he has to do something in the office. I called him at his hotel and told him what I had found and how I felt about it. First he acted like he didn't have a clue what I was talking about, then he hung up on me when I read the emails and the blog. As soon as he hung up, he changed the logins and passwords to our online banking. He also called me and told me that he would be having the money from his pension deposited into an account I can't access.
Well, I felt that I had to go get tested right away to see if I have contracted anything. Then I went to an attorney.
I can't even describe how horrible I feel or how heart broken I am. I have been crying since Thursday, experiencing terrible anxiety and panic attacks, and just devastated and depressed. I can't understand why he is doing this. I have tried repeatedly to talk to him about it in the past. I even told him that if he felt he was no sure about his sexuality that we should separate so he could "find" himself. He always denied it and became so angry it scared me.
Yesterday he said that he did this because I don't trust him and he felt he might as well do it. He also said that I have misinterpreted what he had to say in the blog.
I really don't understand it. We have had major discussions and arguments in the past months about his need to have a set of friends that I would not know. He says he wants to be able to go out doing things with people without feeling like he needs to tell me about it. He made it very clear that he doesn't want these "friends" to know about me. He also has said that he wants separate checking accounts with his own money.
I'm saying all this so that you can understand the whole scenario. It seems to me that he wants to be married but have a separate secret life of hooking up with transgendered sexual partners. With a separate bank account, I would not know what he was spending on.
Why would he want to be married and carry on like this? Why would he want to hurt me so badly? Are transgendered and transvestite people so sex crazed that they will allow them selfs to be "picked up" and used for one night stands by guys who have a need to use them for their fantasies? The whole thing is so sick. My husband says on the websites that he likes to "watch" what they do to him. To me it seems like the transgendered partner wants to be "submissive" and he wants to feel powerful by watching him be submissive.
The thing is that I love him so much. We have been married for 15 years. I'm 55. We don't have children. Now I just feel so tired and old, useless, worthless, and inadequate. I feel so horrible that I just want to disappear into some hole somewhere and never come out.
Today he sent me emails threatening suicide and blaming it all on me. He says he wants me to die. I know that I can't be married to him while he tries to discover his sexuality, but I still care for him. I just don't know how I will get through this.
Posted: 06 Oct 19:48