OP: Our sex drives don't match....

I feel like this is a common complaint, but me and my wife have an active sex life however I find myself wanting it every night where she is really only in the mood maybe twice a week. I end up frustrating her a lot by bugging her for it when she is not in the mood. Anyone have some suggestions or ideas how to either speed her up or slow me down?


Posted: 05 Oct 09:23


Your situation is really quite typical of younger couples, say, those in their twenties. It balances out over time or other issues take its place.

The male body has an imperative for ejaculation: The storage space for sperm and, especially, semen is limited while the production continues all the time. Young men are absolute semen machines. The excess semen needs to be released because there is more being produced. This is the basic cause of wet dreams. We women have no similar imperative. We engage in sex as a desire rather than a need. Both men and women need to recognize this and a mutually satisfactory middle ground needs to be found or negotiated. I she aware of this difference?

As a much younger woman I did live with two different men for extended periods. I am perfectly happy with one or two times a week; they were ready every day. Each night as we retired, I wiped my hand down their fronts. If there was any sign of an erection, I took care of that however I chose - digitally, orally, vaginally. A several minute and not unpleasant experience. In return, each week or so we had a long, langourous session that met my needs and made me feel special.

OK, not a resolution for every couple but certainly a point of beginning for negotiation. I have always found that to have been time well spent and properly reciprocated - he got what he needed and I got what I wanted.


Posted: 05 Oct 09:24

Yes. You can go back thru the archives and find many men wanting and asking what to do, yours is just one more....

> me and my wife have an active sex life however I find myself wanting it every night where she is really only in the mood maybe twice a week.

"My wife and I".... I gather that you are a young man in your prime and as one, you have a healthy sex drive. The solution to your concern is negotiation and communication. Talk to your wife about your concerns and negotiate a plan that is doable for both of you.

If she is not in the mood, she can without much effort on her part take care of your needs with your understanding that you do not have to arouse and help her climax when she is not in the mood. This is important for both of you to understand. You can hug and cuddle her and whisper sweet nothings in her ear yet not try to turn her on so to speak. Women are often satisfied with this level of intimacy during her off days as well as a prelude for more to follow on her on days.

Encourage her to take matters into her own hands so to speak on her off days. Doing so will relieve your pent up sexual energy and keep the two of you in a loving caring mood all week long.


Posted: 05 Oct 09:24

My wife and I are the same. I would suggest not "bugging" her. If she feels like you are pressing her, it could cause her to want it less. I am in my 30's and still have the drive from when I was 18. Take matters into your own hands, and it will be ok.


Posted: 05 Oct 09:24

if your wife hears you saying "me me me" all of the time she's liable to say no. "It is your sex drive, deal with it." is another possible response. It isn;t that she doesn't care for you it is just that she feels invisible to you.

Well, what did you expect? She was brought up to "say No" etc - we have discussed this before. Most men make the mistake of NOT marrying a "slut" and then harry their wife for sex...DUH!

TALK to her and don't WHINE or BLAME..the LISTEN to the woman and see what you can work out.


Posted: 05 Oct 09:24

We have differing sex drives she is a once a week woman as she says it feels more special that way.Me I said I would prefer 2/3 times a week. What we do is full sex once a week with me wanking over her in between or her laying there and letting me play with her used knickers. She also knows I look at porn websites which she doesn't mind either. Its all about give and take and learning to meet each other half way.


Posted: 05 Oct 09:25

I have been married 5 years and I want sex every day and my husband does not
I am okay with that but there are fantasies I crave to so with him but he is not open to it such as him masturbating in front of meand I would love for him to ejaculate in or on me and lick it off. I do not want to cheat but I am so frustrated.


Posted: 05 Oct 21:28

You married someone with a lower sex drive and no interest in sexual play. How do you know he's not into your fantasies? Did you ask him? Did you give him time to wrap his mind around the concepts you wish to introduce? Did you ask him why he says "no"? For example: licking sperm, even his own, might just strike him as being a bit "homo" or "ick". Have a quiet, calm chat with him about sex in a relaxed sort of way, listen to the man and try to understand what he's actually saying and take him at his word. See what's inhibiting him and then see where you two can go from there.


Posted: 05 Oct 21:29

I have him asked him to masturbate in front of me and even told him I would touch and kiss on him while he did it but he just says he doesn't ever see that happening. We do have good sex lives but he just can't get on the level that I would like to be on.


Posted: 05 Oct 21:29

1. Accept what you have and STFU.
2. Not accept what you have and keep nagging him about it.
3. Counselling.
4. Opening the relationship.
5. Divorce.

The stop gaps of an affair and/or pornography aren't recommended.


Posted: 05 Oct 21:30

> I have him asked him to masturbate in front of me and even told him I would touch and kiss on him while he did it but he just says he doesn't ever see that happening.

Before expounding on the male view I do want to state that I agree with both of EEKs posts.

* Relationships and especially the romantic and sexual aspects require both communication and feedback.
* Making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other in partnership.

It may very well be that you have a guy who is bashful and/or inhibited. If so, it may well take years for him to mature out of his present comfort zone. Should this be the case, communication is one way to learn where his head is and for boosting his confidence.

Something else that you can try is to masturbate in front of him, spread eagle and in full "glory" of his eyes and while doing so, encourage him to kiss you here, there, and wherever you ask him to. After a few of these sessions, let him know that what is good for the goose is also very good for the gander---hint, hint. (It's worth a try, even if you have to move his face and/or hands to where you want his attention.)

Question: Does your hubby spend time arousing and titillating you with his fingers and tongue?

The reason behind the exercise, above, is to try and help his confidence level and break his self imposed insecurities. This is accomplished by him seeing how well you respond to what your fingers are doing to yourself and how you wiggle and squirm, ooo and ahh, from his touching and kissing. If he sees that you are not bashful or inhibited from what you do to yourself, just maybe he'll be willing to try himself w/you!

Next: take matters into your own hands at some point. Work on his penis and scrotum and if you are comfortable, his anus or inside to massage his prostate but only after he is very aroused. Do not rush the process. As one of the articles listed in the Index outlines--keep your guy wanting by bringing him near the point of no return and perhaps begging for you to let him climax. You might tell him that if he wants that he'll have to take over and do it himself. My guess is that he will because you've got him so prepped that he will lose his inhibitions and just go for it in order to have that long overdo (to him) climax. It's worth trying and even if this does not work, at least you should be enjoying yourself by making him wiggle, squirm, stretch, pant, yet never reaching the end--at least in your hands. Hint, hint.

If this does not work, then do help him climax over any objections, and when he does, ooo and ahh, as you lap up his semen and let him see your very happy facial expression.

Lastly, I encourage the two of you to familiarize yourselves with the articles listed in the Index (View Forums) and either together or separately read each one in turn. After each article is read, discuss what each of you has learned and then add it to what each of you already knows. Knowledge is empowering.

I hope this is of help. Good luck.


Posted: 05 Oct 21:30

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. We're very happy and everything is practically ideal except for one thing, I have a bigger sexual appetite then he does which I guess is odd since its supposed to be the other way around usually. Don't get me wrong he's great in bed still when we do the deed. When we were engaged and the first couple years of our marriage we were having sex twice a day or more. Now we're having sex 3-4 times a week which I know is normal. The thing is my libido hasn't diminished. I don't like initiating more then he does either. Is this just the regular decline a sex life after being married for a while? I haven't gained weight and am in excellent shape so if you're going to say something like I got fat don't bother answering.

What can I do to get his sex drive back to where it was before?

Any ideas on what I can do to get him excited all the time. I know the usual ideas of lingerie and role-playing but any other ideas? What I'm really concerned about is that if it keeps on declining until we're having it on a monthly basis. I guess I should initiate more as well.

As for masturbating I feel uncomfortable doing it unless its a playful thing for my husband. I don't know why I feel weird about doing it by myself now. The other thing is that I sleep better after sex as well. I'm not one of those women who shoo away my man because of a headache. In fact there's nothing like a great O to cure a headache and relax before bed. Do you think its weird that my sex drive is higher then my husbands?

Btw we're both in our mid 20's and healthy (no drugs/meds, smoking and only the occasional cup of wine.)

Thanks in advance


Posted: 06 Oct 01:17

Are you sure you didn't get fat? :p.

Let's be serious though. You have to rid yourself of the misconception that men are supposed to want sex more than woman. This is believed because woman are only "proper" if they shun sex. But lately its been shown many women are just as, if not more physical, than men.

Second, have you bothered to talk to him? This question has been getting asked nearly weekly and so far the conclusions are as follows.

A.) Sex has run its course and the "new play thing" craze that a man has with a new partner is gone.

B.) You guys just have mismatched drives. But still 3-4 times a week is a lot more than most couples it seems.

C.) You are both getting on in age and this is causing loss in sex drives for hormonal reasons. Men lose their libido with age and women tend to gain.

D.) He is suffering from stress. Be it from the pressures of work, himself, or even you. His boss could be a douche lately, he could be feeling unattractive or self conscious about his skill in bed, or maybe yyou are being nit picky. Not accusing you just saying that sometimes we can be a little hard on our significant others without realizing it.

E.) Health issues. Could be anything from depression to heart issues.

F.) He has decided to become a woman.

Okay maybe the last one hasn't been the case but the other ones are all legitimate reasons as to why the drive could be diminishing.

If you want some ideas on how to spice things up try using the search function. And read the stickies under "Married and LTR".

And finally learn to please yourself. Not all orgasms need be through your partner. And it is nothing "bad". In fact you most likely played with yourself as a child before you even knew what you were actually doing. Its been documented.

Now that being said, if you can learn to please yourself, then on nights you can't get some or are feeling extra antsy you can take care of yourself. Sure its nice to have se, but I have jerked off before bed when in a relationship. My stamina and desire is much higher than anyone I have met and usually they can't go more than 3 times (if I'm lucky) in a night. So a little solo play, sometimes made even better by my partner kissing me or gently touching me makes it an even greater experience and we both go to bed feeling good. She's satisfied and I'm satisfied.


Posted: 06 Oct 01:17

You don't like initiating sex yet you don't like masturbating so I'd say you're out of luck until you change your attitude towards either.

Yes, the twice-a-day sex does diminish upon further acquaintance but you have to remember that previously you two were more frantic and uncertain about each other's affection whereas now you two have more assurance. Still 3 to 4 times a week is a nice normal sexual schedule.

We've all heard about roleplay and lingerie but neither will sustain an increased interest for long - they too become boring after a while.

But would you say you know EVERYTHING about your husband? I doubt it. Your husband most likely doesn't know everything about you either. Now is the time to investigate! This is where The Program and Body Worship come into play. Find, read and then do.


Posted: 06 Oct 01:17

A man peaks in his sexual performance at eighteen and a woman at twenty-eight. Roughly every other day is quite typical at your ages.

Either take charge of his body as Evil suggests or take care of yours'. Since about age thirteen, I have masturbated regardless of other sex in my life.


Posted: 06 Oct 01:18

From the perspective of a guy in OP's husband's shoes, I will say a couple of things. If he's anything like me, it's probably a similar case.

My wife likes to have sex far more often than we do have sex, but it always seems like we're stuck not doing it for one reason or another, and most often I find myself using the age old stereotypical female response of "I'm too tired." It would help quite a bit if she tried before 11:30pm when my alarm goes off at 5:30 and I'm facing 12 hr work days. I cannot confirm it, but I think she has that same dislike for initiating that you do Dirac. If she would set aside that inhibition and be more forward in initiating sex, we'd probably have sex daily, but as it is, once a week or less has been more the norm. Maybe it's time for me to start being more proactive about it as well, but that's how it has been. I would strongly encourage you to be more forward and initiate when you feel sex is appropriate, but he seems to be missing the cue. It may result in more frequent sex.

EDIT: Forgot to mention, we're 26 and married 3+ yrs to put it in perspective


Posted: 06 Oct 01:18

I'm in the same boat as the poster but I'm a newlywed!! Before the wedding we were having sex roughly 3 nights a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But a job change a month before the wedding has changed things. He works nights, I work days, and we live with my dad because my husband had hurt his knee at his previous job so money is short right now. While he wasn't working we had sex alot. We've talked about it and have stated the obvious-all the changes going on. He's a wonderful lover and I've told him so but we just don't hit the sheets. It's hard enough to get time alone with our work schedules let alone living with my dad. I've tried explaining that while oral and manual sex is wonderful I still want penetration. But when we go to bed we go to bed. I just don't know what to do. I've tried initiating and I've made him cum so I don't think he has a problem there. I feel like he's no longer interested in me but that's not what he says.


Posted: 06 Oct 01:19

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