OP: Swingers/Swinging???

Don't do it. Swinging is not the way to spice up your dreary sex life or to give your hubby the thrill of doing someone new. If you are not both equally wanting to do something like this then it will fail and you could end up with a whole lot of problems.

Even if you were turned on by the thought of you and him doing other people making it a reality and really watching it are a whole different story.

I speak from a vast amount of experience on this subject. Be careful.

Tessie

Posted: 03 Oct 22:45

If you're not comfortable with the idea than do NOT do it. If you do you could end up resenting your husband or get really jealous when you see him with these other people. Either way it's not going to end up good.

Just talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he loves you he'll respect your feelings and be understanding. If you want to spice up your sex life there are other things to try without bringing other people into the picture.

iamawesum69420

Posted: 03 Oct 22:45

I dont think its that our sex life is dreary. Its more we both grew up in religous households and no sex until marriage. Dating wasnt allowed until like you were 18. We have both grown away from this religoius sect. And he feels he has missed out on having sex and seeing other people when he was younger. Its kinda like he wants his cake and eat it too. Now he has this regret that nags at the back of his mind.

I know that if I allow the swinging to go it would ruin our marriage and/or at least make it even more difficult than it is now. He doesnt seem to understand that concept. I asked him what if he got an STD he says he wont b/c he will use protection. I asked what if you get someone pregnant he says I will just take care of the child.
He says he just wants the freedom to be able to see other women. and I told him thats what most married men want. And he blew up. He says he feels misunderstood. He says he has more love to give.

Granted on the flip side of this he doesnt mind if i see other guys or have sex with them. Even if i had wanted to I dont feel comfortable doing that b/c he would have the green light to do the same.

I do love him and i know he loves me and want him to be happy but this is so fustrating. I guess to him the grass is greener on the other side.

I have thought about seperating and getting a divorce but lack of finances have made that difficult and lack of courage.

Well i supposed this has turned into a vent. But giving off a little steam is always good i guess.

THanks

Phanto

Posted: 03 Oct 22:45

Well this is a good place to come to if you need to vent. I have many times. lol.

He needs to respect your feelings about this. If you don't want to swing then he shouldn't try to pressure you into it. He should be happy enough with just you and not need to have other women. Everyone has urges to be with other people now and again. That's normal. But he should be able to be happy being with just one woman. You.

iamawesum69420

Posted: 03 Oct 22:46

OK I will skip the remarks of your husband being a jerk. I know your venting and you love him and he must have good qualities too.

His thinking the grass is greener is not going to stop just because you get mad at him. Perhaps some compromises in your own sex life will help. Toys, roleplaying stuff like that.

From the way you explain it I would be damn insulted to be thought of like that. When I gave into swinging it was because of my husband wanting to see me do things not because I wasn't enough for him sexually.

Tessie

Posted: 03 Oct 22:46

Actually, the porno movie idea isn't far out... IF this was about sexual adventure, you could "swing" in many ways without actually involving other people... from something as simple as going out for an evening and sharing fantasies about who you each find attractive... pretending to be someone else... dressing up, role-playing...

But I don't think this about sex, really. Or at least it's not about swinging - he may be rationalizing and working his way up to having an affair.

You can't afford a divorce but he says if he gets somebody pregnant he'll take care of the baby - with what?

Frankly, it sounds like he doesn't really want to swing - he just wants to screw around. As for giving you the green light to fool around, it's easy to give some one permission to do something you know they won't do. He's your husband; he knows you.

I'm guessing that the religion thing was something you both shared in common... and have now abandoned. You may need to find something new in common because you are clearly drifting in different directions.

I think most who've tried it would agree: swinging is only for couples who have a very solid relationship. If he claims he wants to swing, why not tell him you'll consider it when you feel your relationship is strong enough?

WallyLlama

Posted: 03 Oct 22:46

Well..i agree with my fellow posters..and i'll add some additional thoughts:

1) SWINGING IS NOT LOVE IT IS SEX! When i read your first post, i was initally very understanding of how your husband felt....but as i read more of your posting, i got alot of mixed signals......especially his comments abdout if he got a woman pregnant - but when it came to STD's he was going to wear a condom!

Look, he's going thru mid life crisis. The feelings he has are real. He DOES feel like he missed out. He does feel like he was jipped out of things that others have - and since it was about religion, he's got alot of pent up anger and resentment. Unfortunatly, your marriage is also tied to those time so you're in risk of having your marriage fall apart just because of his feelings about the past decisions that were forced upon him.

This does NOT mean he does not love you.....but it does mean that the more he thinks about it, the more he's going to consider doing something without your consent.

I don't envy you. Because really, you really dont have any ability to change or modify his thinking.......the really only option is to beging peparing yoruself for a divorce. I know this sounds cold, but, lets review things:

1) You are NOT interested in swinging. You don't want to see him with other women sexually, and you don't want to be with antoehr man

2) He feels like he's missed out and is very self-centered when it comes to his sexual needs and exploration.

3) He's giving mixed messages about safe-sex ..and thats a danger to you..both from a disease and pregnancy standpoint!

4) There is also a risk that he's mixing up alot of emotions and MAY get emotionally involved with a woman he has sex with (with or without your knowledge).

So,you can eiether sit back and let it all play out in front of you, or you can take charge and just ask for a legal sepearation or even initally file for divorce (you dont' have to go thru with it, but it DOES allow you to get protected finanacially).

Rawbob

Posted: 03 Oct 22:46

My wife and I started down that path.....at my behest of course but it never came to fruition. I mean I have this visual of the types of people we could do this with but really they are hard to find. Its not that easy unless you lower the bar quite a bit LOL! At least in our experience. Lifestyle lounge is the best swinger site we've found for quality looking people and sincerity. AFF was kind of bogus and less desirable candidates.
I still want to do it but I don't want to sacrifice our integrity at the expense of forcing it.
If you do decide to do it make sure you do it with people who match your expectations or you will definitely get buyers remorse LOL!

maxrep

Posted: 03 Oct 22:47

As a guy I understand where the guy is coming from to a point. You obviously don't want to do it, so don't. I agree with some of the other posts on here about using toys and rolyplaying or something.

With that said, my girlfriend and I have amazing sex. She's been with a more experience than I have. She's been with about 6 guys and she was my second. We both have talked about threesomes and swinging and would like to do it. We both love each other very much. But there's this thing in me that's saying she's had all this experience and I haven't. She's had the threesomes with both guys and girls. She's done all these things I didn't and I feel really unexperienced around her. I don't suck in bed, she says I'm the only guy that's ever given her an orgasm, but I still want to do these things with her. Anyone ever seen "Chasing Amy"? Our thing is kinda like that, except for that fact that we both want to do it too.

Now with ALL that said, your husband is an ass. He wants to do all this and you don't. So don't do it. Now I hate to say this, but maybe he loves you enough not to it, but if he can't do it with you, he'll just do it without you. You have to make up your mind an what YOU'RE going to do.

chaoticdreamz

Posted: 03 Oct 22:47

When I was younger, my boyfriend and I did some swinging with another couple that we'd been friends with for years. Needless to say, it turned out badly! Come to find out, the guy I was swinging with was telling my BF that his GF wanted to do it more often, and he was telling his GF that my BF wanted to do it more often. In actuality, it was really HIM wanting to do it with me more often! His GF got very jealous and our friendship went south. Maybe some can do it and have no problems, but I really don't think it will improve your relationship, especially a marriage.

Fluffer

Posted: 03 Oct 22:48

Enough nonsense!!

We swing and it is the absolute BEST thing on earth.

But if you cannot get over your insecurities and jealousies - fine - stay out - we do not want you or your drama in our world.

For your general information: men wear condoms - always. Women take care of the birth control - that's is her responsibility. Most of the women who swing are also married so the question of support does not arise.

Swinging is all about sex - adult play with other people who you like and whose company in bed you enjoy. The Swinging world is ruled and run by the women - surprise, surprise. The Lifestyle only exists because we, the women, permit it to exist.

That should more than satisfy your control issues. How do I know you have control issues? Because that is exactly what you said.

"I know that if I allow the swinging to go it would ruin our marriage and/or at least make it even more difficult than it is now. He doesnt seem to understand that concept.

He says he just wants the freedom to be able to see other women. and I told him thats what most married men want. And he blew up. He says he feels misunderstood. He says he has more love to give.

Granted on the flip side of this he doesnt mind if i see other guys or have sex with them. Even if i had wanted to I dont feel comfortable doing that b/c he would have the green light to do the same."

Frankly, you DO NOT know that it would wreck your marriage because you have not tried it.

Basically, you feel insecure about your marriage and you do not trust your husband to continue being committed to you and your marriage should you ever 'let him off the leash' which is a shame because he trusts you and does not doubt the strength of your marriage.

So this honest and courageous man is getting it in neck because he trusts you. How damning is that, phato?

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 03 Oct 22:48

So, if there is not mutual trust between the partners in a marriage and if both partners are not secure with themselves and do not feel secure in the relationship I don't see how swinging could be good for the relationship. Swinging requires trust, self confidence, and individual security in a relationship.

dlb

Posted: 03 Oct 22:49

dlb - he feels happy and secure and he trusts her - so what's going on?

But this is often how couples work. They think about it, they explore their options and they take a look-see or not. Usually one half of the couple is more reluctant than the other - most of this is based upon hearsay rather than experience.

But how strong of a marriage can be it if she already KNOWS that this will destroy her marriage IF she doesn't already plan to wreck it?

"He just doesn't understand the concept."

Well, neither does she.

I am saying open your mind, relax, and think more about it, dlb. Not do it. IN fact, I specifically said stay away if she cannot "understand the concept".

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 03 Oct 22:49