Bf is either lazy, selfish, or just bad at sex...
I love bf, he's lovely and we've been together for 3 years. However in this time a problem has grown to the point that it's driving me insane. He's terrible at sex.
I feel mean for saying it, and it's not entirely true. I've spoken to him, given suggestions (careful not to offend him or his manliness) and for a short time he I improves but then goes back to old habits.
I should explain to you what these are. We like role plays but he likes them more than I do, in fact he likes them all the time and all these role plays are about forced sex. I do enjoy the odd hardcore role play but doing it over and over again not only got boring but took a toll on my self esteem. If I refused to do a role play then he used to ask me to tell him dirty stories during sex these aren't all about forced sex but do you know how hard it is to tell a coherent story during sex without losing your libido?
He doesn't like foreplay, I have to beg to get any. I can count the times he's gone down on me with one hand. I'm always offering bj's but he won't return the favour, he's also not a big fan my bj's because I have a small mouth and a lock jaw problem so I can't keep it up for long. I do feel bad about this but there's nothing I can do to change that part.
I thought maybe the problem was me so I started learning everything I could and gave him the ride of his life. Started out with a strip tease and lap dance, I seduced him completely and blew his mind, he came like train! But he's never tried to return the favour even when I've told him what gets me going, even shown him.
I'm beginning to feel like nagging old wife.... But I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
I feel like he's uninterested in sex, he likes a wam bam thank you ma'am. I've even stopped faking orgasms and he still doesn't seem to care that I'm not getting any satisfaction out of it.
I'm really at the end of my rope. What should I do?
Really looking forward to you advice,
Muggy
Replies:
You need to stop 'pleasing him' and worrying about insulting 'his manliness'- if you don't stand up for yourself, he's not going to take you seriously - so JUST TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT. If he doesn't "get it", then drop him flat. Yes, yes I'm sure 'he's wonderful' but really, is he? He can't be bothered to please you and hasn't noticed you DON'T orgasm??!?! Doesn't sound so 'wonderful' to me. Most of these sorts of issues can be cleared up if you are being forthright and stick to your guns.
EvilEvilKitten
You're right, I should be more upfront about what I want. It's just difficult because I'm really struggling to tell whether it's genuine cluelessness, a revulsion for most things sex related ( he doesn't like messy) or if he really is just being a self centered A.H. When he's so supportive in every other area this seems uncharacteristic by comparison.
What I need is a sex montage so I can show him how awesome, dirty and messy sex can be... It doesn't have to be white bread.
Muggy
You're right, I should be more upfront about what I want.
Change is not always easy, yet he seems to be standing (reclining) for what he says he wants and to whose expense?
Making love is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. From your description it appears that he is doing things to you and nothing much for you.
It's just difficult because I'm really struggling to tell whether it's genuine cluelessness, a revulsion for most things sex related ( he doesn't like messy) or if he really is just being a self centered A.H.
Have you asked? Had a sit down conversation with him at a time when romance is not in the air/wind?
It sounds like he is typical when it comes to "knowing" what women want and unwilling to learn more in order to become a world-class lover. Call it pride/ego. This lad should understand that females are "wired" much differently than males and then strive to understand how to please and pleasure you. He has a misplaced ego.
Perhaps he should be told that it would do him (since he seems uninterested in you) a world of good to wake up every morning and ask himself: "self, what can I do today to make her day and/or rock her world" then do it!
Encourage him to read every article listed in the Index, add the information to what he knows, and then discuss all this with you. You do the same. Knowledge is empowering and we can never learn it all. That said, what is he afraid of or unwilling to do more and become better? Ask.
Not knowing any more than what you have shared, I cannot state that he is or is not self-centered, clueless, arrogant, and an ungreatful ass. Had I to make an educated guess: YES. Now, if you cannot not get him to open up, share, learn why he is so concerned about his pleasure and not so much about you, then you have a decision to make. Dating is all about learning about another person, their likes, dislikes, goals, objectives, quirks, etc. You know his; is he a good match for you? No? Then begin dating others who will come and go in your life until you find Mr. Right.
dancingdoc2
So last night I told him that I'm feeling unfulfilled in our sex life and that I need that to change. I think I got somewhere but it's hard to tell as he will always agree and say he'll work at it but usually he doesn't.I spoke to him about a year ago about needing more foreplay, he improved slightly but he never read the books and articles I recommended. I think the problem is he sees sex as just coitus. he's a very affectionate person who give me loads of cuddles and hugs yet when he become aroused he gets touchy feelly but more for his enjoyment than mine, he actually become less touchy with the rest of me, he'll often try to go straight to fingering me and looks perplexed when I refuse, I guide his hands around my body, I showed him what feels good but the moment I stop the hand zips back to my pussy to knock at the door. It's very frustrating.
Thanks for all your advice Doc, there some questions there that I will definitely ask him.
I think he is closed minded about sex, he's not keen on cunnilingus, the longest he's done it for me is about 10 seconds.... So just enough to get me really frustrated. He never wants to try anal, and he he's just not very adventurous. Is there something I can do to open his eyes to the world of sex? He just doesn't seem passionate at all.
He's agreed to do the body worship thing with me... Should we start with worshipping him or me?
Also with all the advice and articles should I leave him to read it in his own time or should we go through it together...
Ihmmm upon thinking about his personality he is a little self centered, rather clueless but I think the real problem is that he's lazy. I know that when he asks me to be on top it's not because he gets a special kick it's but because he has to do less....
Maybe he just doesn't want to do all the sexy things to me because it looks too much like hard work. O.o
.... That makes me sad.
Oh well, just having someone to talk to about this issue has really helped me think things through with a little more objectivity. You guys have really helped.
Thank you. :)
Muggy
Begin by SHOWING him - you body worship him while quietly telling him things like "see how good this feels?". The man has no concept how how UTTERLY AMAZING sex can be. Do his back first then pause before permitting him to roll over and say "I am much more sensitive than you are, just imagine how mind-blowing I would find you doing this to me." Some guys are just 'slow learners'. And if that doesn't work, then he's brain dead and may be discarded without regret.
EvilEvilKitten
I have bought lickable message oil in the form of a candle, silky lube, created a "mood" playlist and even bought a pretty glass dildo for the occasion.... Now I just need to set a night aside when we're both in the mood. I've taken on board everything you've suggested and am actually quite excited!
My bf also says he'll try harder to please me so I'm cautiously hopeful.
Thanks for all the advice.
Muggy
My bf also says he'll try harder to please me so I'm cautiously hopeful.
The two of you need to work together on his education. He may want to try harder yet without any concept of clue of what to do he will likely flounder.
Begin by SHOWING him
Let him see and explore your body--all of it. Take his hand/fingers and move them where you want, how you want, when you want, and respond with moans, groans, coos, "yes", "yes yes yes", "more", "oh wow", etc. so he can link your response directly to what he is doing for you with your help.
Whether each of you read the articles together or separately is an individual call. Do discuss the info in each, especially the articles that deal with fooling around and making out. He seems lacking in this area according to you. He needs to know about Necking, Petting, Heavy Petting, Foreplay, and how to integrate all of these. He needs to know and understand that while he and other males can be UP and ready within minutes, a woman requires time, care, and effort that might last half an hour in order to become turned on and highly aroused.
He never wants to try anal
You might want to read this article yourself. Try it on him ONLY AFTER you have him very very aroused and begging for the end to come. The more aroused a person is the more s/he is likely to welcome anal stimulation and a good prostate massage for the guy. If he doesn't stop you, then he may very well want to reciprocate after learning how great all this playfulness can be. Should he be squeamish about your finger being inside, then finish him off quickly while also continuing stimulating his anus and/or prostate.
As for sexual positions, have you checked out this section of the site? On the Home Page there is a section of illustrated animated sexual positions divided by category. Try some and see how he responds.
dancingdoc2