Your description of events seems to indicate multiple issues. My first reaction upon reading your post was that you two could benefit from marriage counseling. This is not the place to begin looking for solutions.
How is the communication between you? Key to a successful relationship is in being willing and able to talk about whatever, no matter how sensitive, and bare one's inner feelings if necessary. If this is not happening then this becomes the first order of business.
Talking to each other should be done in a relaxed atmosphere and with no fear of being confrontational. The purpose is to exchange information and to learn. If he is hesitant or unwilling to engage, then do not keep this from engaging with him. Begin by making sure he understands that you are seeking information and not attacking him. If he will not provide answers, this should not keep you from voicing each of your concerns.
At the very least, he needs to know what concerns you, why these bother you, why you want to find solutions. You need to know where his head is at and why he has unplugged himself emotionally. There can be any number of reasons, ranging from stress, problems at work, feeling inadequate about this, that or the other; being out of love with you, other.
You also need to learn that if he does have a problem why he is not taking it upon himself to "man up" and find a solution. That said, let him know that you want to understand and work with him to this end.
If he is forthcoming, you may learn that this is nothing more than him being tired and now in a routine rut. If true, then the two of you need to get a day planner or calendar and mark out times to do various tasks and household obligations, date nights, and figure out how to eliminate his tiredness. This can be simply giving himself some quiet time by himself after work, time to devote to a hobby, or sport, before switching gears and getting into the husband and father roll. The same must hold true for you, also, whether you are a stay at home mom or not. You also need an hour or so just for yourself, whether you pamper yourself in the bathtub, go for a walk, etc.
If he confirms his love for you yet continues his unwillingness to demonstrate it, then I would look for physical causes. For this, he needs to see a doctor and to also have some lab work done. Men do not disengage from a relationship without cause or reason. If he is unwilling to voice what he is experiencing or fearful of, it is then time to get into counseling.
> he said he felt like I was cheating on him with toys and I shouldn't have to need to use anything other than him. And even now, if he realizes it's been awhile since I "started" it, he accuses me of cheating.
Two things come to mind: Either he is angry about something he refuses to give voice to; or, he has the mistaken belief that after this length of time, a marriage no longer needs nurturing and can just coast along. What are your thoughts on this? When a normal, healthy, vigorous, man discounts sex, something is wrong, either with him, or the relationship. Is he getting his proverbial rocks off with lots of masturbation--or not? If not and there is no other person, then there is every likelihood of depression? It's worth a thought or two.
Question: When you initiate some lovey-dovey moves, does your husband respond favorably, or, does he pull away? If the latter, this would suggest the need for counseling. If he refuses to talk with you, work on the issues, ignore or dismiss that a problem exists, poo-poo's counseling, etc., then there is not much you can do except to inform him of what you will do.
Understand that there may be an underlying and irrational fear that he is battling. True or not, he has to be willing to take care of business: you, and the family. Issuing an ultimatum rarely if ever is successful; however, informing him that failure to make changes or work with you will result in you doing (fill in the blanks): moving out, leaving him, etc. Having genuine fear of losing something he values may be enough to get him out of his rut, complacency, and, moving toward whatever goal is required.
After working with your husband on the information, above, please get back to us on how he is responding, reacting, and willingness to work with you.
dancingdoc2
Posted: 06 Oct 19:56
