OP: He's jealous of my sex toys... even through them away!?!?

I've been married for going on 5 years now. We're both 26. My husband & I have 2 kids. When we were first together and after we first got married our sex life was out of this world! After I got pregnant with our 2nd child, he's not interested. If I'm in the mood and try to get him in the mood, he gets mad. However, if I wait around for him, he's might get interested once a month. And when we do have sex, it's always the same positions. And I can almost clock it. I told him that I don't want to try to get him in the mood anymore because he makes it pretty obvious that he's not into it. I've told him that makes me feel like I'm forcing him and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I also used to have sex toys, so if he wasn't in the mood, no problem, I could take care of it myself. Well, when we were moving, he threw them away when I wasn't around. When I asked him about it, he said he felt like I was cheating on him with toys and I shouldn't have to need to use anything other than him. And even now, if he realizes it's been awhile since I "started" it, he accuses me of cheating.

Please help!:confused:


Posted: 06 Oct 19:56


Your description of events seems to indicate multiple issues. My first reaction upon reading your post was that you two could benefit from marriage counseling. This is not the place to begin looking for solutions.

How is the communication between you? Key to a successful relationship is in being willing and able to talk about whatever, no matter how sensitive, and bare one's inner feelings if necessary. If this is not happening then this becomes the first order of business.

Talking to each other should be done in a relaxed atmosphere and with no fear of being confrontational. The purpose is to exchange information and to learn. If he is hesitant or unwilling to engage, then do not keep this from engaging with him. Begin by making sure he understands that you are seeking information and not attacking him. If he will not provide answers, this should not keep you from voicing each of your concerns.

At the very least, he needs to know what concerns you, why these bother you, why you want to find solutions. You need to know where his head is at and why he has unplugged himself emotionally. There can be any number of reasons, ranging from stress, problems at work, feeling inadequate about this, that or the other; being out of love with you, other.

You also need to learn that if he does have a problem why he is not taking it upon himself to "man up" and find a solution. That said, let him know that you want to understand and work with him to this end.

If he is forthcoming, you may learn that this is nothing more than him being tired and now in a routine rut. If true, then the two of you need to get a day planner or calendar and mark out times to do various tasks and household obligations, date nights, and figure out how to eliminate his tiredness. This can be simply giving himself some quiet time by himself after work, time to devote to a hobby, or sport, before switching gears and getting into the husband and father roll. The same must hold true for you, also, whether you are a stay at home mom or not. You also need an hour or so just for yourself, whether you pamper yourself in the bathtub, go for a walk, etc.

If he confirms his love for you yet continues his unwillingness to demonstrate it, then I would look for physical causes. For this, he needs to see a doctor and to also have some lab work done. Men do not disengage from a relationship without cause or reason. If he is unwilling to voice what he is experiencing or fearful of, it is then time to get into counseling.

> he said he felt like I was cheating on him with toys and I shouldn't have to need to use anything other than him. And even now, if he realizes it's been awhile since I "started" it, he accuses me of cheating.

Two things come to mind: Either he is angry about something he refuses to give voice to; or, he has the mistaken belief that after this length of time, a marriage no longer needs nurturing and can just coast along. What are your thoughts on this? When a normal, healthy, vigorous, man discounts sex, something is wrong, either with him, or the relationship. Is he getting his proverbial rocks off with lots of masturbation--or not? If not and there is no other person, then there is every likelihood of depression? It's worth a thought or two.

Question: When you initiate some lovey-dovey moves, does your husband respond favorably, or, does he pull away? If the latter, this would suggest the need for counseling. If he refuses to talk with you, work on the issues, ignore or dismiss that a problem exists, poo-poo's counseling, etc., then there is not much you can do except to inform him of what you will do.

Understand that there may be an underlying and irrational fear that he is battling. True or not, he has to be willing to take care of business: you, and the family. Issuing an ultimatum rarely if ever is successful; however, informing him that failure to make changes or work with you will result in you doing (fill in the blanks): moving out, leaving him, etc. Having genuine fear of losing something he values may be enough to get him out of his rut, complacency, and, moving toward whatever goal is required.

After working with your husband on the information, above, please get back to us on how he is responding, reacting, and willingness to work with you.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:56

Sex is more often a symptom rather than the problem in itself. This indicates, as Doc suggested, much deeper problems. You get to a counselor and get him involved as well. If he is not willing, stick with the counselling yourself.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:57

Okay, I'm sure you love him, but he's KILLING that love as we speak. His bullying and controlling behavior is being caused by his insecurities. The ONLY thing you can do is let him know that you expected a husband when you got married, not a jailor. Continue calmly speaking by encouraging him to speak to someone trained to deal with his issues but as for you, the problems are his and you expect him to fix whatever's gone wrong with him. then get on with doing anything else you have to do and refuse to discuss the topic thereafter. Not until he's fixed what's going on in his head.

Yes, this sounds harsh, but, if you coddle him, and sweet-talk him - you will treating him like he's a chiild and telling him that he's right to behave this way - and he isn't right. He does NOT own you or your sexuality. That is NOT what marriage is all about.

Honey, you want a MAN, not a mouse.

Set the standard and expect him to meet it. If he doesn't, you know what you have to do next.

Also please review the sticky post found elsewhere in this forum, Warning Signs of Abuse. Sorry to say it, but he's following the pattern; this being the first step down the path - if you let him get away with this, things will only get worse. Remember you have two childrnen to protect and that may mean having to protect them from him. That is why you MUST step on him now and let him know you're NOT going to take what you do not deserve.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:57

It took me over 2 years to convince him to go to counselling. I had it set up to where we each had individual counselling, and we also had marriage counselling. He stopped the individual after he went twice. (Each week we'd alternate between sessions- he'd go, then I'd go, then we'd go together.) I continued mine. When we'd go to the marriage counselor, he wouldn't talk. When the counselor & I would ask him questions to try to get him involved, he answer with only a few words. He stopped going b/c he said that we were "ganging up on him". And as far as him masturbating, he never does. And I know that there's no other women involved. I've tried to talk to him about all this, in many different ways, and he either gets defensive or he won't talk about it. We used to have "date nights", but he stopped it b/c he doesn't like to go out or leave the house. The only visitors that he wants is his brother or parents. And he gets agitated if I go out or have company.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:57

You may have to pose the ultimate declarationa for his consideration: If you do not help work on our relationship I can only conclude that you are content with the way things are; I however am not. A husband who is plugged in and turned on will wake each morning and ask himself "what can I do today to make her life better"--and thus our lives. I am not content with the way things are between us and because your actions suggest you do not want to make things better, I believe we should separate.

Oh! and for your information, neither the counselor or I are ganging up on you; we simply want to be provide input and perspective and work to save "us".


Posted: 06 Oct 19:57

Thank you!


Posted: 06 Oct 19:57

Fess up, Face up and Fix up.

I am not ganging up on him - I'm telling him outright that he is letting his insecurities make a whiny baby out of him when he so could so easily be a man by getting rid of his fears - simply by facing them. Yes, this takes courage but if not now, when?, after she divorces you or you take up beating her or the kids?

Guy, step up or get gone. Do it now!

If you think I'm wrong: look at the facts 1. he controls her movements 2. he controls her sexuality 3. he isolates her fron HER family and friends. Then go and look at the warning signs of abuse. Notice anything? Yeah. That's why.


Posted: 06 Oct 19:58

Add a Reply!