OP: BF is sexting other girls...

does he sext with you? or just other people?

"just joking" is a very immature response to your issue. It's not like this was something that happened by accident. The fact that he does it repeatedly and makes a concerted effort to hide it from you is that main issue here. Let him know that you find it unacceptable and that if this is something that he wishes to pursue that you intend to break up with him and end the relationship. Sexting is just a new first step in the move to commit adultery or in your case (although you're not married so it's just cheating)

in the context of your conversation, you might ask him how he would feel if he were to discover that you were sexting with other guys?

hot-texan

Posted: 06 Oct 01:04

he doesn't sext with me at all. in fact our sex life has noticeable diminished since i found this out. i've already told him that i find it unacceptable and he knows exactly what my view point is on the issue. now that he knows that i know...its as simple as deleting the texts! so i don't even know if he's still doing it or not (obviously he says he doesnt). in the end i'm still super uneasy and jealous. not really sure how to deal with these feelings as, like i said, i'm not sure if he is still doing it. i'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt but the question of his immaturity towards the situation as you said bothers me as well...

xh0n3yx

Posted: 06 Oct 01:04

if he's going to such great lengths to hide all of this from you, the obviously there is a problem. You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you won't put up with it and that you expect him to be 100% honest about this issue and that you expect to have access to his phone records via his phone account on the web (not what texts are still on his phone - they can all be deleted in a couple of button pushes)

if he's not willing to make this commitment to you then you can either tell him that you expect an open relationship in which you can go out and seek friends to sext and have a fling with or you need to cut your losses while they are still minimal

hot-texan

Posted: 06 Oct 01:04

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT demand access to his phone records. BAD IDEA which will solve NOTHING.

How did you find this out to begin with? Were you snooping? If so, that's Problem One because it shows there was a trust problem to begin with. This would be further confirmed by a demand to keep tabs on his phone from here on out.

Granted, a "it's just joking" attitude is immature. Because to you it's not a joke, and if he can't see that and address it to your satisfaction, that's Problem Two. But you react to immaturity with maturity. Not further immaturity, e.g. HT's suggestion about phone records. All that proves is that you're Possessive Jealous Stalker-Girl.

You have to decide for yourself how big a deal this is. Then you have to fish or cut bait. Decide how much you trust him and what method of addressing the problem satisfies you. If you can't trust him enough to leave his phone alone, and/or if you can't figure out a way to move forward with the relationship in a mature, communicative manner, cut him loose.

Relationships are built on trust. If you can't trust him simply because he's him, get out.

lnt1103

Posted: 06 Oct 01:04

I never said demand the access, but if you are still suspicious to the point that it's making you completely uncomfortable, then making the request isn't so far fetched. If he is working to rebuild that trust with you, then such a request isn't unwarranted and his openness will help rebuild that trust in the relationship.

hot-texan

Posted: 06 Oct 01:05

Sorry, when I read "tell him you expect access to his phone records", that pretty much says "demand" to me.

lnt1103

Posted: 06 Oct 01:05

Why are you still with him and calling him YOUR bf?

Because he is NOT your bf, he's just some guy who's gotten some girl to move in with him and give him immediate free access.

Face it - you snooped and he lied.

That's not a relationship that's going to go anywhere.

Move out and kick him to the curb.

Then: STOP SNOOPING - you only demean yourself to no real benefit.

BTW - sexting is little more than swapping pornography live.

So it wasn't the sexting - it was the lying. He should have never moved in with you without informing you BEFOREHAND that he does this. This is an example of Lying by Omission - failure to disclose something important.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 01:05

In order for a new relationship to move away from dead-stop and progress forward each of the two people involved must give some initial amount of trust that then normally will broaden and deepen over time with mutual respect, reliability, reliance, integrity and confidence of each of the partners, increases. Clearly he has broken the trust.

Regardless of this fella's level of maturity, this seems like a clear case of wooing a girl, bedding a girl, getting her to move in and be a "domestic" for his personal care and upkeep, and placing her on a pedestal. Having done these things, men practicing these behaviors now believe they are free to go off and play with friends to the exclusion of "taking care of business" at home. This worsens when the couple have a baby and the infant/child and the mother sit at home or on the front stoop while he regularly plays with his friends outside. Oh! yes, and then there is the situation where he becomes glued to the TV--or worse, the computer monitor playing games for hours on end, or, "sexting" and E-mailing other people for untoward purposes.

Are any of these situations happening in your household, or, is your guy pretty attentive and engaged with his sexting being your only concern?

dancingdoc2

Posted: 06 Oct 01:06

Doc and Evil have given good advice. I prefer her direct approach - but beyond the curb.

In this day of cyber sex, which I cannot find interesting, sexting is getting there.

Brandye

Posted: 06 Oct 01:06

to address everything i have NOT asked to disclose his phone records to me as i've always been very trusting and i do believe it will lead me nowhere. i simply found out because one day he told me he was expecting a phone call from one of his friends as he hopped in the shower. so when his phone went off i looked at it. his text msges open up right away and i saw a glimpse of what this girl was saying. obviously in turn, that made me a bit curious and i went through his phone. (yes i snooped, and i admit to that but i didn't purposely go through his phone). that being said, i havn't snooped again. it jsut makes me uneasy knowing that bit of trust is gone.

Doc: i definately don't feel that any of what you mentioned is going on in my household. other than this incident, i never had any reason not to trust him, he's very attentive and caring and even though he had an immature attitude towards the situation he still goes on to be just as he was.

which in turn is why i'm confused about how i should feel about the sexting, i feel as though i'm overreacting but can't help but feel mistrust now

xh0n3yx

Posted: 06 Oct 01:07

EXCUSE ME? How did you NOT purposely go through his phone?
You caught a glimpse and then you HUNTED THE TEXTS DOWN.

Stop lying to yourself. You snooped. Instead of 'taking the high road' and thereby being moral, mature, and in a position of strength - you debased yourself and your position by proving he was right not to trust you and right to not be honest with you.

This relationship is over. Neither of you has the courage to be honest.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 06 Oct 01:07

what i meant by i did not purposely go through his phone was that i wasnt sitting here and just browsing through his phone for no reason. i ADMIT that i did snoop after i saw it, there's no denying it and i'm not trying to be the innocent one saying i didn't snoop. and as for you saying he has reason not to trust me; well he was very clearly taking advantage of the trust i had for him before anyways.
you're direct reasoning to just end the relationship surprises me a bit, it has nothing to do with either of us being cowards and lying to ourselves or each other. other than the sexting, nothing else about our relationship bothers me. if everbody were to instantly break up over some kind of issue with the relationship, there would BE no relationships. you said so urself that sexting is just sharing live porn. if ur view point was this, would you really kick ur bf to the curb cuz he was say...sharing links of porn online?
dont' get me wrong, i totally see what you mean about how i pretty much gave up my position of strength in the way i went about it and confronted him but now he obviously knows that i know he does it and how i feel about it.

xh0n3yx

Posted: 06 Oct 01:07

ok, say you don't ask to see his phone again.

how do you think you'll be able to re build the trust which is now shattered. Does he know that your trust is gone. Does he know that every time he picks up his phone that you suspect something. What steps is he willing to show you that he is trust worthy?

both of you need to examine where you want the relationship to go and how you're going to get it there

hot-texan

Posted: 06 Oct 01:08

It's important to remember that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to be upset about this. Sexting can be a sensitive topic, and what may seem like harmless flirting to one person can be hurtful to another. Trust your instincts and how you feel about the situation.

Posted: 08 Mar 02:19

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Trust is crucial in a relationship, and finding out about the sexting must be incredibly hurtful. I remember when a friend of mine faced a similar situation. She discovered her partner was sexting others and felt betrayed, just like you do now. She had to decide what boundaries were important to her and communicate them clearly.

Posted: 13 Jun 12:58