OP: Preparing daughters for sex...

This is a great topic. I wish we had more like this.

I believe knowledge is power. Scaring them, as in the movie "Scared Straight" does not empower a person. Speak to the eleven year old with information that is age appropriate and in language or terms she will understand.

You can encourage both to ask questions, yet you should understand that they may not, so be prepared to inform them about matters of concern, importance, as well as the facts of life that they need to know. Now, having said this, why are you wanting to become involved? Are the parents involved? Guardians? Before taking this on, I would want the responsible adult's permission.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 04 Oct 02:45

The parents are currently going through a very nasty divorce and seem to be more caught up in their own issues than they are in their daughter's issues. I appear to be the only one to offer true support to these girls.
I love them with all my heart (more than I could ever describe in words here) and I want to save them the same heart ache, pain and worry that I went through at their age.

Dawn80

Posted: 04 Oct 02:45

Thank you for the additional information.

In addition to what has already been mentioned, I believe you can be of great value by giving the girls a value system to aspire to and live by. Neither has the ability to foresee the consequences of their actions predicting what will happen if they decide to have intercourse. The limit must be instilled in them to have boundaries and to stop making out at foreplay, be it a hand job and/or oral--and, this should be age appropriate.

Personally, I do not believe teens should date as couples until at least seventeen. They just do not have the emotional and mental maturity. Shucks, the average teenage relationship lasts only four months, and then it is on to the next person for four and so on. Emotions run hot in both girls and boys and they can be passionately in love and then hating the other person and breaking up. Fifteen y/o teens should be group dating and have supervision.

I said earlier that scaring the older girl is not what I would do, however I've had time to reconsider this and if it comes down to having sex or else "because I love him" then I believe any girl should be scared straight by the facts of life, meaning how her future can likely change, her plans, and not being financially or mature enough to raise another person.

Mother Nature plays a cruel trick on us, giving us the ability to create life at an early age, yet not developing our brain sufficiently for the responsibility for another eight to ten years. And, if this isn't torture enough, giving us run away hormones that drive our actions and emotions.

Let the girls know that they can come to you at any time with any problem or concern. Let them know that while you may be upset with them that this is much better than having no support at all from not talking to you.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 04 Oct 02:45

Dear Dawn, you cannot spare them. They will each of them go through the various torments. All you can do is to help them through it. You are their safety net.

That being said, tell them the TRUTH. Sex with good people is great but that sex can be exploited. There are other inherent risks - pregnancy and disease - that can be mitigated/avoided through using the proper procedures.

But poor partner selection - there's nothing that can be done about that. Women simply MUST choose their partners VERY carefully.
A bad date for a man is to not get any sex. A bad date for a woman is to end up lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Do not sugar-coat this. It may not have happened to you but you know it happens.

Males will volunteer their services but it is the female who selects. Whatever criteria you want to help them develop is fine - but make sure they understand that it is the female who holds ultimate power over this process. Males will apply pressure and may even threaten BUT if that case she has her answer as to his worth - he's NOT for her. If she does NOT want to, then don't. Fine. If she does want to, then you're going to have to get into details about those proper procedures I mentioned earlier. You are permitted to ask her why him and why now. She should be thinking about consequences of saying yes and why she wants to say yes to this particular fellow. Feelings are NOT good enough.

Please note: you're not saying NO, you saying THINK FIRST. Most of the bad consequences happen simply because when it comes to sex - no one's thinking this through BEFORE they get themselves into trouble. Consulting an experienced woman is always a girl's best first choice if that woman is understanding and level-headed. Good luck to you, Dawn! We're here for you!

Please note that I haven't passed on what my mother told me. But if you'd like to know - just ask.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 04 Oct 02:46

Thanks everyone! This has been really helpful! I don't want to play the "nagging doom-sayer" in their lives. I want them to know the truth...sex can be wonderful, but it can also be dangerous (in more ways than one). I also want to make sure that they are completely comfortable with coming to me ABOUT ANYTHING.
I know I wish I had an older female role model in my life for questions about sex when I was a teen (there are just certain things a teenage girl doesn't want to discuss with her mom). I just hope that I am that person for these girls.
Heck...who I am kidding??? I STILL have questions about sex that I can not talk to my mother about...and I'm in my twenties! (Thank goodness for this site).

Dawn80

Posted: 04 Oct 02:46

well, in my oppinion you can do all you like, give advice, give information ect ect and then it's up to them, when i was 13 my parents went through and extremly messy divorce and it was the worst experience of my life, but through it me and my mum grew very close in deed and we talked about sex regularly, the subject always facinated me but i did always believe i was going to wait for someone extra special ect ect and i promised my mum from the bottem of my heart that is what i would do. a year later i lost my virginity to a looser and i had never felt so shameful in my life. telling my mum was the hardest thing i have ever done, but i am glad i did.

all you can do is give them the facts, and know matter what you have to be there for them, because if my mum wasnt there for me i dont know what i would have done. just remeber kids make mistakes and dont judge them on that if it does come up that one of them has had sex.

you can tell them and advise them but you cant stop them.

lustforlove

Posted: 04 Oct 02:46

My Momma Done Told Me....

1. School comes first.
2. Don't think it is love.
3. Do not get pregnant.
4. Do not get diseased.
5. YOU pick the man.

Then she brought out the nursing textbooks and gave me chapter and verse; including a bit of info on which males were best selections. For example: the guy without friends is one you may select. My grandmother also got into the act by pointing out how one can most effectively arrange one's life for best effect. For example: marriage only after college.

I was then introduced to the ladies at Planned Parenthood.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 04 Oct 02:47

You and to get each alone & keep an open conversation with each. Do it when your doing something ordinary together...let them know they can ask you anything. I began getting this into the minds of my nieces at a very early age. One we have "girl talk" she fills me in on life and her friend at school..one question; "When you want to marry, do you have to kiss him?", this is from a 6 y/o. I simply said yes, you do kiss. Found out while I was on vacation she kissed him while on a kids ride....Both sets of parents were there; I was asked any idea where this came from?

The other which is younger...I tell her to wash well, need to be clean, wash your face, etc. I always keep an open conversation with each. Try the same with each separately...foster an environment where they want to talk to you. Do it casually---not always a sit down talk. Keep both close to you--and let them know they can ask you anything and it's between you and them...no breech of confidentiality, unless one is in significant danger (life threatening).

Additionally, you need to have the parents faith & trust in you. As said to me by a family member...tell the truth; we do not need to know the details unless there is eminent danger involved for one of them. This allows them to turn to a trustworthy source to confide in & not ratting them out. Guess what...probably the 15 y/o has done something; start probing. The 11 y/o is "thinking"! Get them to open up so they have your trust, teach, and lead by example. Aunts, uncles, and God-parents to kids have an obligation. Remember keep all age appropriate when you talk. The girls I have when they get bathed by me are told to clean their lady parts...they are young (at home it's called your privates) I call it no stinky "Kooters"...they laugh and get goofing around but they do it.

sera300

Posted: 04 Oct 02:47