Is a breakup coming? we're growing distant...
So for some background information, I've been dating this girl for two years. We'll call her Naomi. We're both seniors in high school, and we've never had sex, or gone beyond light foreplay. She told me a few months into our relationship that she wanted to wait until she had graduated and had her own place before we actually had sex. I'm perfectly okay with this, and I've honored that request. I've never been pushy or aggressive about it.
However, a few weeks ago, she seemed to grow more distant. I started a job about a month before this, so I didn't get to see her as often. She also joined a club at school, and we haven't seen each other outside of school for at least a month because of this. We talked on the phone a few times during this period, but it wasn't really enough for me. I asked her if she was ever free at all, so that we could go get dinner or see a movie. Each time, she responded that she was free, but she was doing something with some other friends (males and females). I'm fine with that, I don't expect her to give up her life for me. What I'm NOT fine with is her going over to one of her male friend's houses and studying. However, that's not really fair at all to her. She had asked me if I was okay with her doing this, and I said I would be fine. In retrospect, I'm not fine at all. Apparently I have outrageous jealousy issues. I think it would be better if I could see her occasionally, but that doesn't seem to be happening. Recently, one of her friends told me that I should talk to Naomi more and I almost blew up on her. I don't see why it has to be my fault why we're growing apart.
Now to the main point of this post. I've been slowly going insane over the past two weeks, dreading her breaking up with me. I feel that it's unavoidable at this point. Just to be clear I do NOT want to break up with her. I consider myself mature for my age (Bet you've never heard that one before), and I'm relatively certain that I love her. I just want to know if there's anything that I could do to keep us from falling apart.
I'd appreciate any constructive response, and I can offer any other details that I left out (within reason).
Seriously Concerned
Replies:
Little bit more information
This is the first relationship that I've ever been in. This is her third, and she told me that she is a virgin, which I believe. I'm not sure how far she's gone exactly besides that though.
I'm sort of an introvert, and I have may have some signs of anxiety attacks. Whenever Naomi and I are in a situation that I perceive as intimate, I: Lose my appetite, experience mild to severe nausea, and my body temperature rises significantly.
We both have access to vehicles and we live within about 10 minutes of each other by car.
Seriously Concerned
Much as you adore this young woman, your life will soon change - totally. High school will end in 6 months; if you're going on to college, you'd better get your forms and applications in now; if not going ont to college - what are you going to do? I know you didn't ask for "The End of The World" but if you look at the lady's behavior don't you get a glimpse of someone preparing for a major change?
She's looking forward and you are looking backward. You want to preserve the relationship and she's beginning to wonder what is 'out there'. Regretfully, this is going to hurt - you. It doesn't matter how mature you consider yourself to be because the proof of your maturity is: are you building an independent life for yourself?
BTW, a gentleman doesn't know of a lady's promsicuity since that is none of his business, until she desires to make it his business by saying yes. A lady never needs to justify her saying no to sex - not to a gentleman. This young lady has treated you rather better than is required since she has shown some consideration for your feelings. But, your feelings do not give you permission to badger her into giving you more of her time and attention.
The facts never change - if he/she wanted to spend more time with you, he/she would BE spending more time with you.
EvilEvilKitten
It's a common time for relationships to run their course, when people start thinking about college. It's a difficult transition to bring one through, with changes in life goal, interests, ambitions, priorities, freindship groups, locations etc. You're learning a lot of things about yourself, and the same thing is happening to her. It's completely natural for you to grow apart during the coming year and I think that you should seriously consider just letting it happen. Parting ways amicably means you can remember your teenage sweetheart fondly in future years, instead of making her the girl you messed yourself up over.
I mean, you have to ask yourself why you are driving yourself crazy over this when you are only "relatively certain" that you love her and seem to be aware that things are drawing to a natural end. When really, as an intelligent person you must objectively know that there are plenty of fish in the sea, that you will love a lot of people in your lifetime (especially with college still ahead!) and not be able to stay with all of them.
So, with changes ahead and you being quite an anxious person; is the fear of breaking up really about keeping her? Or is it about you, and your insecurities, fear of change, worry you won't find someone else who'll have you, etc? Having her should not be the condition of your sanity, you should be able to handle that by yourself. So spend some time now focussing on your other needs and learning to take care of yourself independantly, throw yourself into your hobbies, see your own freinds, do well at your studies. Try dating people casually, no obligation. Just to see what's out there.
Breaking up isn't fun but it's not the end of your world either. Unless you choose that.
You'll be fine.
llovell
You simply cannot make other people bear your burdens, the foundation your happiness and validate your existence for you. Not only will doing so NOT make you happy, doing any of that is also ineffective. As you are discovering, other people, even loved ones, have their own lives, goals and opinions as well as burdens of their own.
The other thing I want to point out is: "the game is worth the candle". The chance to find love is worth all of the (reasonable) risks involved in the hunt. All relationship have their own trajectory and people grow apart as well as get together - just enjoy this - for it will make your life richer than otherwise.
EvilEvilKitten