OP: Gay or bi . . . are you out to others?

im 21 and bicurious/sexual whatever, and i came out at 18/19 depending on the person. Ive lost friendships because of it. I live in a mostly fundalmentalist christian community. But i feel much better not hiding who i am.

stormyxoasis

Posted: 30 Sep 07:03

There is a distinct difference between "coming out" and broadcasting the matter for all within earshot to know.

I have lead a monogomous existence within my marriage; although, before as a single male, I did have a few flings with guys, the first being a college roommate. As is often the recommendation given to anybody in a new relationship, I do not talk about past exploits with previous individuals, men or women. There is therefore no reason or compulsion to let the world know that I am bi-.

I am puzzled and perplexed why there is a need, reason, or compulsion for a Gay or Bi- individual to let family and friends know what their sexual proclivity is. Heterosexual people do not make a public declaration. If others know, fine.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 07:03

If you're in a relationship with another man (or a woman with a woman) that is your life partner and would appreciate others considering this person as such I think it becomes a bit of a necessity, doesn't it? Sorry, I'm not content with leaving people with the assumption he's my "friend"; that is demeaning to our relationship, which is not just about what we do in the bedroom. Heterosexuality is considered "the norm" and people are presumed (most of the time) to be straight; declaring yourself as such would be pointless. When people meet me on a casual basis they assume I'm straight, since there's nothing that would clue them in otherwise. And if that's the extent of our contact I have no "compulsion" to declare my sexual orientation. If it's someone with whom I'm going to have a longer or close involvement it's important they know this since they will be laboring under a misconception that directly affects how they would perceive me, my relationship with my partner and many scenarios that come up in social situations.

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 07:03

> If it's someone who's going to be closer however it's important they know this

Your reply is excellent and I agree. What I am bothered by the most is that Gays tend to flaunt the fact of their homosexuality to whomever they come into contact. Two good friends of mine are Gay, and, as both a dancer and a working professional by day, I sometimes associate with others and they all just keep putting the info out there in casual conversations or mentioning it in passing (over and over, again) as if the fact is somehow important to having any conversation or meeting with them, socially or business-wise.

Determining that a person is Gay is sometimes as simple as observing dress and/or demeanor; with others, it is not obvious. That is is or is not, shouldn't matter beyond the scope of your reply, yet that it seems to be is often annoying and awkward. It's not unlike me telling anyone who is listening to me regardless of the situation or setting that I am a "chocoholic" by maneuvering the conversation to include this fact that is otherwise irrelevant.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 07:03

There are gays that are like that, yes. But I take issue with your more sweeping generalization. You probably interact with many more that you have no idea are because they haven't declared and are not obvious. I can't prove that, of course, but a large percentage of gay men and women I meet in job or neutral social settings only state their orientation to me when they discover I am. Other people who have worked or interacted with them are oblivious to it, or have unconfirmed suspicions.

Being obnoxious about your orientation isn't limited to gays, after all. I can't count how many trying conversations I've been in with guys (unaware of my orientation) who go on endlessly about how "hot" every woman within eyeshot is and what they'd like to do with them (nudge nudge wink wink). I understand it's a form of (what they think is) breaking the ice or attempting to find common ground but it creates the same level of discomfort and annoyance for me that you experience in your situation.

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 07:04

Point taken....

dancingdoc2

Posted: 30 Sep 07:04

And from a woman ......

I have been bi- since my mid-teens but have lived portions of my life straight and portions as a lesbian. People who have known me only during certain periods of my life "know" me as straight or lesbian, often exclusively. At University, I was blatantly and obnoxiously lesbian until dumped by the Women's Rights leader for another woman; in med school, I lived with a male classmate.

During the last many years I neither hide my bisexuality nor flaunt it. Everyone in this small Scottish District is aware of my engagement and its ending with my finace's death and Eva's twelve year marriage. Similarly, any of them who are observant are aware of our long term relationship. Very few of them know we each have male contact, but some certainly do.

I have been asked and answered honestly. But even in this hotbed of religiously based sexual repression, no one seems overly concerned.

Brandye

Posted: 30 Sep 07:04

it depends on what you consider out.

if by out do you mean i have it posted on my myspace, then no. who i am attracted to is not the worlds business. but my closest friends do know. since my family is primarily catholic/slightly homophobic, they do not know that i am bisexual, though im sure they suspect.

currently im in a male-female relationship and have not had much experience with women other than the occasional kiss.

so to answer your question, im out as a bisexual to my closest friends, but not to my family.

retro love muffin.

Posted: 30 Sep 07:04

Gee... I haven't been here for awhile... anyway...

Yes, I'm gay and I'm out. I think it's important for gay people to be out and visible for several reasons.

First and foremost is individual self-esteem. If you are hiding who you are, it puts incredible pressure on you. You always live in fear that someone is going to find out. The relief when you no longer have to do that is wonderful.

Second, it is a lot more difficult for people to hate someone they know. When gay people remain "those people" or something more derogatory, then society doesn't change. When a gay person becomes "my son/daughter" or "my best friend", then we take one more little step toward a more inclusive society.

Another important reason is to be seen as role models. Straight people have millions of visible role models. For young gay people, not so much. It's critical that gay youth have someone to look up to and emulate. Nothing annoys me quite so much as to hear someone say, "I can't ____ because I'm gay." Objectively speaking, being gay loses you absolutely no opportunities at all... from any career you would like to having a family complete with children if you so desire. But for that to happen, young gay people need to see it happening.

Finally, I think it's important to be out because quite frankly I'm sick of the assumption that everyone is straight. I have an acquaintance that is bi-racial. She gets very upset whenever someone assumes that she is black. Not because she would dislike or thinks that being black is bad but because- to put it in her words- "it's like they are denying half of who I am". It's a little like that for gay people. There's nothing wrong with being straight, it's just not who I am.

Just my thoughts on the subject. :)

oberon

Posted: 30 Sep 07:05

I'll admit that just because I'm a gay man that doesn't mean that I understand bisexuals or transgendered people. While I AM accepting of both that doesn't mean that I automatically understand what they are going through or their feelings.

I'll also admit that as a gay man I would be very hesitant to become involved with a bisexual man. I could deal with a "one night stand" situation, but I don't think that I'd be comfortable in a relationship. I'd always feel that there was a part of his desire that I could not fulfill. I'm not very big on sharing a person I'm involved with so I would not be happy with an open relationship.

This is another reason that it is important for gay and bisexual people to be out and open about who they are. Honesty in a relationship is too important and when people aren't honest they end up hurting someone.

oberon

Posted: 30 Sep 07:06

I do a lot of volunteer work with a gay rights group where I live, and interact with transgender people a fair amount. Honestly, it's an odd situation . . . . politically, it makes every sense that the movement be "GLBT" but otherwise it's a bit like throwing apples in with oranges. The needs, challenges and roadblocks trans people face are significantly different than gay or bi folks. And by being lumped together it makes explaining to straight people who are trying to understand a lot more difficult. There are still a percentage of people that believe all gay guys really "want to be women" or all lesbians guys. And then you throw transvestites into the mix . . . lol.

I have tremendous empathy for the trans community, but I look forward to the day where we can have separate identities in all peoples' eyes and our individual needs can be addressed apart.

DVDBear

Posted: 30 Sep 07:07

I completely understand that, DVDBear.

I've always thought it a bit odd that transgendered people get lumped in with gay and bisexual people. Theirs is NOT an orientation. It's more of a medical situation. I always wonder why people cannot accept the fact that some people have a medical situation where they are not born into the correct gender. I mean, there are physical situations where people have the genitals of both sexes and it's very plain that it is a medical problem. Why not understand that sometimes the brain does not agree with the gender?

Theirs is a VERY different situation than gay and bisexual people. Trust me, I REALLY understand that "All gay men want to be women" misunderstanding. I am gay and I've NEVER want to be a woman. I admire women greatly, but I don't want to be one. I really enjoy being a man... LOL. I just happen to really enjoy being with a man. :D

oberon

Posted: 30 Sep 07:07

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Posted: 14 Jun 09:33