OP: Wife wants threesome with another woman...

Now this is a fantasy most men have but and I would be lying if I said the idea didn't excite me at all but this situation has made me feel uneasy. She said she wanted to try something new and to spice things up and our anniversary is coming up in a month so that might be why she brought it up. This all happened last night so we haven't talked all too much about it but I did tell her that I was not sure if we should go ahead with it.

Now a lot of stupid questions started popping into my head like is she bi or a lesbian?

Is she having an affair and this is her way to clear her conscious?

Could she be suggesting this because she wants to bring another man into the bedroom as well to even it up? ( There are more)

I know most guys would say I should be happy and that I'm over thinking it but I can't help but feel bothered. I trust her and love her very much but I can't help but have these feelings. We're 26 now and have been together since our teens. I don't want to do anything that could put our relationship at risk.

It is a big fantasy of mine but sometimes things should just stay a fantasy. I just feel that even if a most/all of my concerns are invalid that this could potentially do a lot more harm then good for our marriage. After all there is a 50% divorce rate and I'm sure many of them never saw it coming.

How do you think I should handle this?

Chaox

Posted: 05 Oct 22:58

Replies:

Of course the thought of this can be exciting to think about, but to do?? You can do a site search with either search engine and learn about previous discussions on the matter.

In a nutshell, the general consciousness is to make this a fantasy that the two of you play out. It won't be exactly a three-some, however, she and/or you can take on the character of the third person like being an actor or actress in a play. You can have the drama without the trauma.
> She said she wanted to try something new and to spice things up and our anniversary is coming up in a month so that might be why she brought it up.

I would suggest learning if the two are connected. Personally, I believe an anniversary is between a couple--three is a crowd, and, what should be a romantic reaffirmation of the love the two of you have for each other gets tainted. If you do decide to proceed with this, do it at some other time.

>This all happened last night so we haven't talked all too much about it but I did tell her that I was not sure if we should go ahead with it.

You must absolutely have an action plan for what is and is not acceptable. One example is what are each of your roles to be.

Second, who is going to be the third person? Friend? Stranger? Acquaintance? How will you find and approach the person about this?

Third, safety and medical protection: are you prepared to show lab results for each of you showing a clean bill of health?

Fourth, can you trust this person to keep secrets?

Fifth, what interactions among you will be permissible? Will it be a free-for-all? Just the two women? Will the third person be able to have intercourse with you? Etc.

> Now a lot of stupid questions started popping into my head like is she bi or a lesbian?

She may be Bi-curious and desires to explore her sexuality.

> Is she having an affair and this is her way to clear her conscious?

I strongly doubt that she is having an affair. You'd know because an affair is rarely just about sex. How is your marriage? How is your relationship with each other?

> Could she be suggesting this because she wants to bring another man into the bedroom as well to even it up? ( There are more)

I'm not a mind reader. Ask.

> I know most guys would say I should be happy and that I'm over thinking it but I can't help but feel bothered.

As well you should be. As mentioned, above, having a crowd in the bedroom often ends up harming the couple's relationship.

> I trust her and love her very much but I can't help but have these feelings. We're 26 now and have been together since our teens. I don't want to do anything that could put our relationship at risk.

Asked and answered. Do the research, then have some heart to heart discussions, as noted. Success depends upon the script as well as the trust and strength of your relationship. Both of you need to recognize the potential for danger and be prepared to work on and fix any latent problems that might come up as a result. How the two of you handle this will often make a difference.

> It is a big fantasy of mine but sometimes things should just stay a fantasy. I just feel that even if a most/all of my concerns are invalid that this could potentially do a lot more harm then good for our marriage. After all there is a 50% divorce rate and I'm sure many of them never saw it coming.

I agree.
> How do you think I should handle this?

This should be included in your discussions as well as what you learn from previous forum discussions.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

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I recommend that the two of you read every article listed in the Index, discuss what you have learned, and add the information to what each of you already knows. Knowledge is empowering.

dancingdoc2

Posted: 05 Oct 23:00


Your concerns are valid yet they're also not the end of the world. Yes, it will change the relationship you have with your wife and she with you but whether it is for the worst or for the better, no one can tell.

What I can tell you is that in order for you both to do this and to survive as a loving couple, you MUST be able to divorce sex from love and not to get them confused.

In addition to reading the articles, and Q&As on this subject, I recommend that you find and then go ask your questions to those in your local Swingers/Lifestyle group. Yes, there is one. You can limit this to online chat if you'd prefer it.

There are also useful books on the subject. One of the best is The Ethical Slut.

You two do need to talk more and work it out in your own minds not only for your sakes but also for the sake of this additional woman who most likely doesn't want any drama from either of you. BTW, it is far easier to find an additional man, than an additional woman.

In my experience, this sort of involvement usually begins with the woman setting tight limits "only doing x" and only when she's there. Eventually it becomes "take him, just return him in time for dinner and in good condition" - they usually add the 'good condition' clause when its me but oh well. I just point out that my husband remains alive and well and still pats me on my head and thinks I'm a cute little fluffy-bunny.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 23:01


Hello and thank you for the detailed answers. You've given more for me to think about. I have talked to my wife with my concerns and we've decided to take our time to decide to make a choice.

She has told me that this was something she wanted to try and that she isn't interested in bringing in another man into the bedroom. She understands that she might change her mind on that in the future since we're human and that she realizes why I might feel guilty if I enjoyed the pleasure of another women in the bedroom and didn't reciprocate. She has also told me that she isn't bi or lesbian but does have some curiosity.

My wife has told me that if this were to happen in the future that we would all be tested to prove to each other we have a clean bill of health. She also has someone in mind. I would have to wear a condom if I engaged in sex with the other women (My wife and I stopped using condoms years ago) My semen would also not be allowed to enter her.

As EEK mentioned no matter what choice we make it could be for better or for worse only time will tell. I think we'll take a couple weeks at the least to decide if we're both comfortable in making this lifestyle change.

Chaox

Posted: 05 Oct 23:01


In all non-monogamous sexual intercourse CONDOMS are MANDATORY. I am glad you have accepted this.

I am also glad to hear that you two are thinking and taking your time. This is a big decision - well worth taking your time over. There's no rush.

EvilEvilKitten

Posted: 05 Oct 23:01


Communication is crucial in situations like these. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your wife about your concerns and fears.

Posted: 15 Jan 09:26





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