Husband doesn't want my germs...
I have been married for three years now. I think the last time we had sex was Nov. 2011. It's now 2013 and still nothing. The first year it was off and on but we enjoyed it. We've always had some awkwardness but it's been enjoyable. He tells me that it's because since I work with snotty kids all the time and they get me sick a lot, he's cautious cause he doesn't want to get sick. It's getting to the point where he only close mouth kisses me when he thinks I'm fully well. Now 2012 has been a horrible year for us cause we were trying to buy our first house through a short sale which took almost a year to get our house. We just moved in early january this year. He also hates his job and really depressed about it at times. He also had a condition a couple months ago with his private area but he was tested and it was solved with antibiotics. I gained weight from stress over the house and it makes me feel even worse that he doesn't want sex. I just don't understand why he doesn't care to have sex anymore. I always thought guys wanted sex at least once a week if not more. I can't quit my job. Do any other wives have this problem with guys not wanting to have sex cause they're scared of you getting them sick? I figured it might get better after we got over the stress of getting the house but it's been three months since we moved in and still nothing. What should I do?
concerned128
Replies:
Yes, I know I'm going to sound awful but sincerely - if you're in this marriage for the long haul - you're going to have to learn how to deal with periods of sexual famine with some grace. It happens to all of us. Yes, even to me.
- Men are not machines.
- Each person deals with stress in their way and in their own time.
- His being overly concerned about illness is a red herring but he doesn't want to deal with the real issue.
Don't push but every now and again give him a hug for no reason, ruffle his hair, little somethings that speak of oyur continued sexual interest but DON'T push.
Lose the weight by vigorous exercise or hard and fast physical work. Preferably where he can see you but even so. Do this for your health esp since you work with children.
Give it about 3 more months and then sit him down and DISCUSS the issue with him then. No assigning blame. Tell him how you feel and tell him what you desire from him and then shut up and listen to what he has to say. Sincerely try to reach a mutual understanding.
Come back and tell us the outcome.
We may have further advice for you then.
EvilEvilKitten
Well I haven't been pushing it. I'm trying to loose the weight but it's been really difficult cause I've just been so stressed. I don't really expect him to want sex all the time and you say you've had periods of no sex too but were they ever as long as over a year? I will try to get the weight off and see what happens before I do marriage therapy. It's not like he doesn't touch me. He cuddles with me and hugs me all the time. He kisses me close mouthed alot but at least he is kissing me and he does kiss me on the cheek. He just doesn't initiate sex. I haven't really initiated it either but I feel like it's usually me doing the initiating.
concerned128
but first get thee to a marriage counselor. His actions are not normal for any young male. Extreme germophobia is also a kind of mental issue. This is not something you two are going to work yourself around. You will need help. Keep in mind that marriage therapy can, at any moment, turn into divorce counselling. But get help!
Brandye
update..well I lost 27 pounds and wore a slim fitting shirt today. It took him maybe a few minutes before he noticed me and wanted sex! I'm so happy!
concerned128
well I think a counselor would make things worse and besides now that i know the issues I think things will get better as I lose more weight and feel better about my body.
concerned128
YOU still should go and see a counselor - to decide if you REALLY want to stay with a guy who would rather freeze you out than talk about the real problem.
EvilEvilKitten
I haven't been sick in a long time so he has been kissing me a lot more and he touches me all the time so he's not freezing me out. He's told me some reasons for not kissing me and they are valid so I can fix that. I haven't asked him this but I think he might be hesitant because I went off the pill at the end of 2011 cause I ran out and actually haven't gotten back to the doctor yet to get more. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want kids yet is the real issue and we both hate condoms. I actually finally got an appointment for sept 3 with the gyno. I'm going back on the pill but now that I think about it I wonder if the pill I was on contributed to all the weight gain in the first place. it could have been many things though. maybe I should try a different pill.
concerned128
well I think a counselor would make things worse
This is a outlandish statement; what facts do you have that this would be the case?
Never having met the professional and researching his/her credentials and track record, your statement has no basis in fact.
Granted, you may not click with every professional; however, to dismiss them and their training is childish.
...besides now that i know the issues I think things will get better as I lose more weight and feel better about my body.
Probably so, but why not look into this avenue of help, also, unless and until proven correct?
These people exist for a reason, it makes no sense to dismiss their training and insight out of hand.
dancingdoc2